


Lather, Rinse, Repeat

by Ima1



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Clexa, F/F, Happy Ending, Not as angsty as it sounds, Temporary Character Death, Time Loop, minor mentions of violence and death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-20
Updated: 2018-06-18
Packaged: 2019-04-05 03:42:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 52,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14035416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ima1/pseuds/Ima1
Summary: Lexa's life couldn't have been going better until her girlfriend, Clarke, dies unexpectedly and she wakes up in the past. She is now forced to repeat her life as she attempts to change history.And again, and again, and again.





	1. #1 - aka, The Original Version

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!  
> I hope you enjoy this little story of mine, let me know what you think. Comments are more than welcome :D

It’s a random day of junior year. So random, in fact, that she doesn’t even know what day of the month it is except that it’s a Thursday. There are no quizzes today, no assignments due, no approaching midterms. Nothing but one of those rare days at the beginning of the semester where the sun is still shining and hot and she actually allows herself to enjoy the day without putting any pressure on herself to excel.

 

When she sees her, it’s another random moment. Just a turn of her head while Lexa walks down the path towards the cafeteria, just a glimpse of blonde hair and striking blue eyes that meet her and then, just as quickly, return to the brunette in front of her. Just a moment of appreciation of beauty, perhaps a rapid flash of curiosity, a slight desire to see a smile on her face, wondering if it might make it more beautiful. And just like that, it’s gone. She’s just another face in the crowds, another thing to add to the list of small things that make Lexa smile today. Just another beautiful element of nature.

 

There is nothing special about it. Nothing that stays engraved in her memory. Just another random day.

 

She doesn’t even think she might see her again. In fact, she doesn’t even contemplate that she might want to, doesn’t waste one millisecond thinking about any future encounter. Doesn’t think about her at all. She was just another pretty face in the crowd, one that is quickly forgotten. 

 

Lexa enjoys her rare day of feeling no responsibilities, enjoys the sun touching her face and tanning her skin, enjoys the warm grass under her feet, her friends that make her smile, sometimes even laugh. 

 

She goes to class and not once her mind returns to that random moment. She starts getting more assignments, has to prepare for quizzes then midterms, then finals, and repeat. She spends her holidays with Anya and her family, she works at her part-time job,  she interns, she graduates. 

 

She meets Costia, falls in love. She’s as happy as can be. She has a job she loves, she works her ass off to be the best in her team, she starts to get more and more responsibilities, more appreciation for her talent and dedication, she gets promoted.  

 

She asks Costia to move in, they’ve been together for one year and she loves her like she hasn’t loved anybody. She works harder, she gets results, she feels accomplished. She builds a career, swiftly making her way to the top. She has her eye on the goal and she will reach it. One day she will be president. 

 

It doesn’t work out with Costia. They love each other but, as time passes, they both feel something is missing. It’s a mutual breakup, as amicable as they can be. It still hurts, though. But, slowly, she moves on. She loses a girlfriend but keeps her best friend. 

 

She still works hard, harder perhaps. She doesn’t have a relationship that requires her time anymore, so she devotes most of her time to her job and she succeeds. She’s one of the best. She gets promoted again. She’s happy. 

 

Something is missing, but she’s happy nonetheless. 

 

Anya forces her to date. Forces would perhaps be too harsh a words for someone other than Anya, but her sister basically threatens to whoop her ass if she doesn’t get back out there. Lexa is not scared of her (she is _not_ ) but she still relents and dates. They’re okay, they’re not Costia, which is okay, but they’re also not that something that she’s been missing. Still, she dates. It’s fun, something to distract her mind from work, some mindless conversation, and physical connection. It’s nice. The women are nice, they’re beautiful, they find her intriguing and mysterious (their words, Lexa would never describe herself as such) and a couple of them want more than just the physical but she’s not interested. It just doesn’t fit. She lets them down gently; she moves on to the next one.

 

Anya has been dating, but like, serious dating which shocks Lexa at first. She still remembers the days her sister would have no compunctions about kicking out whichever guy or girl had had the misfortune of falling asleep in her bed. It was funny to watch, she won’t lie. It was as if, for some unknown reason, they thought that Anya would be any less scary after they had slept with her. They were all sorely mistaken. Lexa would often make it a point to be in the living room earlier than usual whenever her sister brought someone home during their college days just so that she could have a nice laugh at the poor sucker’s expense. It usually made her day.

 

But now Anya is dating. As in, has had a girlfriend ( _girlfriend! Anya!_ ) for the past four months and wants Lexa to meet her. Lexa is shocked and makes the mistake of wondering out loud if her sister has been vajazzled. That earns her a swift and powerful punch to the shoulder which leaves her bruised for a week. Lesson learned. Anya in love is something to not be messed with.

 

Lexa meets Raven and she understands why Anya is so smitten, she has finally found an equal. It melts Lexa’s heart to see the way Anya looks at Raven, how the engineer can stand her own against her sister’s glaring, how Anya lets Raven tease her and only pretends to be angry, but her shining eyes completely give her away. She doesn’t make the mistake of telling her sister how love struck she looks though, she’s learned her lesson. (She thinks her shoulder might never recover.)

 

And then Raven is having a party at her house and Anya is going, of course, and Lexa is somehow dragged along. Something about working too much and needing to get some action and “a good pair of boobs in your hands and a pussy in your face to help you release all that tension.” Lexa really hates the word ‘pussy’ and Anya knows it, and she particularly hates being so crass about sex, but she still reluctantly agrees that it would be good to let loose. It’s been a few weeks after all.

 

It’s a small party, for which she is glad. She’s not in the mood to deal with throngs of wild people, her college party days are long gone (and those were rare and far between). She’s surprised to see Lincoln there, but apparently, that’s how Anya met Raven; because their cousin’s girlfriend is one of Raven’s best friends. 

 

She gets introduced to Octavia and her brother Bell-something (it’s a weird name, she felt bad after asking him to repeat it twice and decided to ask Anya later), there are Monty and Jasper and Harper and Murphy and she doesn’t try to memorize any names after those but it’s about twenty people, a relaxed ambiance, good music, so, overall, not one of Anya’s worst ideas.   

 

The blonde comes in late. Lexa’s talking to some girl who she thought she could hook up with because she was quite attractive but then realized there was zero going on in her head so now she’s just counting the minutes until it’s polite to ditch her. She notices her coming in and greeting everyone with a tired smile, Raven shouting something about her getting that “sexy Griffin ass ready to party ASAP” (Lexa checks, it is a sexy ass) and the woman flips her off before heading to one of the bedrooms.

 

When she comes back Lexa has long since ditched the other girl, whatever her name was, and is now leaning against the wall nursing her only drink for the night and just pleasantly observing the transformation. Gone are the scrubs and messily tied up hair, replaced with some jeans and a mildly revealing top, hair down and light make up on which accentuates her best features. She looks beautiful in a comfortable way, like she didn’t actually put much thought into her outfit but knows it works for her anyway. (It does, it definitely does.)

 

She watches as the woman makes her way around the room, properly greeting everyone and spending a few minutes to chat, the tiredness in her face mostly gone and a bright smile in its stead. Eventually, she catches Lexa’s eye and Lexa makes no move to try to pretend she hasn’t been watching. The woman smiles coyly and Lexa smirks in return, watching as she heads to the kitchen to get a drink. 

 

Somehow she’s distracted by Anya whose drunken brain decides Lexa must hear something right this moment because it is “sooo important, Lexi!” It’s not. Learning about all the ways that Raven is awesome in bed is definitely not important at that moment, or any for that matter.

 

But that drunken conversation is all it takes for Lexa to lose sight of the blonde and she can’t help but feel a slight pinch of disappointment. The woman made her…curious. Definitely curious. And curious is probably the best thing Lexa can feel towards another woman, something which she has only felt once before. It’s an elusive feeling.

 

She decides to take a breather in the balcony after a while of pointless small talk with Bellamy (she finally got his name), the fresh air feeling good in her lungs after the stuffiness from the heating and booze inside. She’s happy to find a couple of chairs there and sits down, closes her eyes after some time spent stargazing and just enjoys the calm in her head. It’s been some time since it’s been so quiet inside her mind, it’s usually bubbling with concerns. The quiet is good. 

 

“You do realize it’s November, right?” a husky voice drags her back to the moment. 

 

She opens her eyes to find the blonde woman eyeing her bare arms with a raised brow and amusement gracing her lips. She has nice lips. And very pretty blue eyes. Lexa is even more curious.

 

“I like the cold,” she tells her evenly.

 

“Still, I can’t in good conscience let you catch a cold,” the woman says as she hands Lexa one of the blankets that she only now notices where neatly folded in the corner.

 

Lexa’s lips quirk up slightly in amusement but she takes the blanket nonetheless and wraps it around herself.

 

“You do know that a cold is caused by a virus, right?” Lexa asks her, biting her lip slightly to contain her smile.

 

The woman rolls her eyes and sits next to her on the vacant chair, blanket tightly wrapped around her own shoulders.

 

“And you do know that cold temperatures lower your immunity and make you more susceptible to catching said viruses, right?” she retorts in the same teasing tone Lexa had used. 

 

Lexa smirks, her curiosity rises. “Touché. Doctor?”

 

“What gave me away? The science talk or the scrubs I came in with?”

 

Lexa’s lips lift gently and she says, “The concern for a perfect stranger.”

 

The woman smiles and offers Lexa her hand. “Clarke.”

 

“Lexa.”

 

“There we go, no longer a stranger,” Clarke says with a grin.

 

The blunt side of Lexa wants to ask if the ‘perfect’ still remains but, instead, she goes with, “But still concerned?”

 

“Only if you plan on doing something reckless again,” Clarke warns.

 

“Hmm, you have some strange standards for recklessness if forgoing a jacket counts.”

 

“It does if it’s below forty,” Clarke says with mock seriousness. 

 

“Fine, I shall promise not to endanger myself in such grave manners.”

 

Clarke’s grin brightens and it might have magical properties because it makes Lexa melt a little. 

 

“Much appreciated.”

 

Lexa gives her a smile and turns back to look at the city view. It’s gorgeous really, perhaps not as gorgeous as her present company but she thinks ogling Clarke might not leave the best impression. 

 

“So you’re Anya’s elusive sister, huh?”

 

“Elusive,” Lexa says contemplatively as her eyes return to Clarke. “Is that your way of saying antisocial?”

 

Clarke chuckles and her eyes shine with playfulness. “Your words. But no, just that Anya and Lincoln have been talking about you for ages but we’ve never met.”

 

Lexa nods because it’s true. She’s also heard about Anya and Lincoln’s new friends a lot for the past several months. 

 

“I work a lot.”

 

“So I’ve heard. Also sounds like an excuse an antisocial person would make,” Clarke teases her, tongue slightly poking out between her teeth.

 

Lexa chuckles and gives in. “There’s a small chance that you might be partially right."

 

“Well, I’m glad you could make it this time,” Clarke says as she stands up. “Maybe you’ll make it next time as well.”

 

“I just might,” Lexa says with a smile before Clarke goes back inside with a coyness in her lips.

 

Lexa could go after her. She could. Part of her desperately wants to chase that woman until she has a taste of her lips and her skin and has her writhing beneath her. She also knows that Clarke probably expects her to do just that.

 

She doesn’t go. 

 

Instead, she stays for a bit longer in the balcony, breathes in the not so clean city air and focuses on clearing her mind once again. Then, she goes back inside to tell her sister and the others goodbye, knowing that Anya will want to spend the night with Raven. 

 

She catches Clarke’s eyes and smiles slightly as the woman waves goodbye from across the room, and then she’s gone. 

 

She could’ve gone after her. She could’ve tried to hook up with Clarke tonight, she might have even succeeded. She doesn’t want that, though. Clarke makes her curious and curious is as good as it is rare and Lexa wants it. So she waits. There’ll be another chance, she’s sure, and she’ll satisfy her curiosity little by little. Clarke isn’t the type of woman Lexa would have mindless fun with, so tonight was definitely not the night to chase.

 

Lexa goes back to work, goes back to her routine, goes back to getting her head filled with bubbling thoughts. Clarke is now part of those thoughts. It’s a curiosity she has yet to sate. 

 

Naturally, the next time Anya invites her to do something with Raven and her friends, Lexa agrees, perhaps slightly too eagerly. 

 

It’s just a get-together at Bellamy’s, a barbecue to appreciate the rare sunny weather, despite the cold. Most of the people there she recognizes from the previous party at Raven’s (and Clarke’s, - Anya has informed her they’re roommates). 

 

She feels bad for barely having spoken to her cousin’s girlfriend and for only having met her at the last party so she makes an effort to talk to Octavia and she finds that she actually likes the girl. She’s fierce and opinionated and caring and Lexa can see what drew him to her. Lincoln gives her a grateful smile for her approval and she is happy for him. He has the gentlest heart and Lexa has seen him get terribly hurt already, he deserves something nice like this. 

 

She makes a mental note to spend more time with her family and friends. It sits with her the wrong way that Lincoln has been dating Octavia for almost a year and she basically only just met her. 

 

Clarke arrives late again, she apparently had an unplanned shift at the hospital, according to Raven, and Lexa won’t pretend that she isn’t glad she came and that she wasn’t a bit disappointed when she got here and there was no sign of her.

 

Clarke spots her immediately and sends her a bright smile which does something to Lexa’s insides. Again, Clarke talks to everyone briefly and Lexa watches, until eventually Clarke makes her way to her and sits next to Lexa on the couch, a plate full of food on her lap which she digs into straight away.

 

Lexa watches with amusement as Clarke eats, moaning appreciatively at the food, and a small smile plasters itself in Lexa’s face. She has no control over her lips whatsoever.

 

“God, I was starving!” Clarke groans after she’s cleared the plate.

 

“There’s more food, if you want,” Lexa teases her and chuckles when Clarke contemplates it before shrugging.

 

“Nah. Later, maybe.”

 

“They don’t feed you at the hospital?” she asks with a playfully raised brow. Clarke makes a face at that. 

 

“Cafeteria food sucks. I usually have lunch there, regardless, but I knew Bell would make his famous burgers so I thought I’d save some space in my stomach.”

 

“Sounds like a reasonable plan,” Lexa eyes her dubiously.

 

“Oh, I’d go hungry for a whole day just for these burgers,” Clarke says with mock seriousness. “Not more than a day, but I’d definitely give it a solid 24 hours of fasting.”

 

“High praise for the burgers,” Lexa says with a chuckle.

 

“Don’t tell me you didn’t like them,” Clarke counters, aghast.

 

“Didn’t try them.”

 

Clarke gasps dramatically and lifts a hand to her chest. “The sacrilege!”

 

“I’m more of a pork chops kinda girl,” Lexa adds with a smirk, amused at Clarke’s clear love for food. 

 

“Okay, I’ll let it slide ‘cause those are pretty awesome as well. I might have them for dessert in a bit.”

 

Lexa can’t help but let out a laugh at that and Clarke looks at her with gleeful eyes. 

 

“I’m glad you came, Lexa. I’ll show you how much fun we can be.”

 

Lexa is tempted to tell her she only came for her. 

 

She doesn’t need to tell her, though, because, in the end, they spend most of the rest of the afternoon together, talking about anything and everything and Lexa can’t remember the last time she’s laughed so much. Anya shoots her a few befuddled looks which are quickly accompanied by knowing smirks and Lexa does her best to ignore her. It turns out she is enjoying herself very much.

 

Much to her sister’s amusement, Lexa gets Clarke’s number and they message back and forth until Lexa finally asks her out (under threat of violence from Anya, but that is neither here nor there).

 

They go on a date, it goes really well, they kiss, that goes even better, they go on more dates, they have sex, glorious, amazing sex, they date and they date.

 

They are together for almost two years and Lexa is finally complete. She found what was missing from her previous relationships. It’s not something that can easily be explained, if at all, but it is something she just feels. 

 

Being with Clarke just feels…right. She completes her. They complete each other. They have a level of understanding unlike anything Lexa has ever experienced.

 

She’s happy. She’s really, really very happy.

 

Then her world comes crashing down when two police officers knock on her door telling her her girlfriend died in a hit and run on her way to the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't be sad guys, nobody dies in this fic! Promise! :D


	2. #2

It’s one of those dreams she has sometimes where suddenly she’s just catapulted into a situation and she has no idea how she got there or what is even happening. She knows she’s walking and that it’s sunny and warm and, as she turns her head around, she sees her. 

 

 _Clarke_.

 

Her lungs constrict immediately while her heart is beating faster than ever, threatening to jump right off her chest and she halts completely in her tracks.

 

It’s not a dream at all. It’s a nightmare.

 

It’s the worst possible nightmare because she had just fallen asleep after coming back from the morgue to identify her dead girlfriend. She knows this because Anya had all but forced her to lay down and take a sleeping pill and the look of agony on her sister’s face was so close to matching her own feelings that she relented. 

 

So it is undoubtedly a nightmare because Clarke is _dead_ , and now she’s seeing her, here, in a dream. 

 

She can’t stop looking, though, even after Clarke has turned away from her again after showing no signs of recognition and is now talking to Raven. (A younger-looking Raven. Odd. A younger-looking Clarke as well. Her sleeping brain works in strange ways.)

 

Still, she’s locked in place and she stares, absorbing everything and simultaneously begging for this dream to both end and never do. It’s a strange conundrum. 

 

She’s jolted out of her thoughts when someone crashes into her and she doesn’t remember feeling pain like this in her dreams but, hey, this is a strange dream as is. Maybe her grief is manifesting itself in unusual dreams.

 

Once she takes a second to properly look around she notes that she’s at her old college. Why would she dream of Clarke and Raven in her college, anyway? She now knows that they all went there at the same time but they never met, it was a pretty big campus. 

 

She turns around and Clarke is still there, still talking to Raven, and she decides that, if this is the only way she’ll get to see her girlfriend from now on, then she’ll take it. So she moves forward and heads towards them, stopping just as they turn around and look at her quizzically. 

 

A whispered “Clarke” leaves her lips and she’s so unused to hear that amount of pain in her voice that it stills her, and yet it’s not even close to how she’s feeling on the inside.

 

Clarke looks at her curiously but shows no sign of recognizing her and Lexa doesn’t stop the tears that come to her eyes at the cruelty of her brain that it couldn’t even let her have this, just a moment in a dream where her girlfriend is alive and well and _knows_ her. 

 

“Uh, you two know each other?” she hears Raven hesitantly ask.

 

A “Yes” escapes her lips just as a “No” leaves Clarke’s.

 

Both Clarke and Raven give her confused looks and she ignores them in favor of staring. She is, unabashedly, staring, looking at the love of her life and just taking everything in while she can, because who knows if she’ll ever get a dream like this again. It’s just so _vivid_. 

 

Clarke almost looks real.

 

“Uh…well, we have to go, Clarke,” Raven says, her curiosity turned to suspicion now.

 

She doesn’t have the brace on her leg, Lexa vaguely notes. How odd that she’d picture Raven without it when she’s only ever seen her with it when she’s out of the house. 

 

“Yes. We should go,” Clarke says, her brows furrowed in confusion as if she’s desperately trying to remember something. “Uh…bye.”

 

Lexa doesn’t say anything. She watches them leave and doesn’t try to stop them because she is too stunned to chase after her. She knows how those dreams go, after all, she’ll be stuck for the whole dream chasing something unattainable and she doesn’t have the energy for that. 

 

Instead, she sinks down onto the grass and lets the tears fall freely, people going past her constantly but all ignoring her and her pain and, before she knows it, it’s dark and the dream still hasn’t ended. 

 

She thinks maybe the quickest way to end this nightmare is to head home, maybe walking with a purpose will make her wake up. She dazedly makes her way to her apartment off campus which she shares with her sister and quickly gets into her bed without bothering to check if Anya is home in this strangely realistic dream. She wonders if falling asleep within a dream works, but she’ll soon find out.

 

Well, it worked. Kind of. She did sleep, but it didn’t end the dream. Strangest of it all, she dreamed. A dream within a dream, how Inception-y of her brain. 

 

She lays in bed for a really long time willing herself to wake up but nothing budges. Eventually, the hunger is overwhelming and she can’t ignore it any longer. She hasn’t eaten anything since she started this strange dream but she doesn’t know why she’s hungry because she’s never hungry when she dreams and she never eats in her dreams. Regardless, she gets up, goes to the bathroom, takes a minute to note how strange it is that she actually feels her bladder empty instead of the perpetual fulness of her dreams, and then heads to the kitchen.

 

Anya comes in while she’s in the middle of devouring her second bowl of cereal and she halts in her tracks and gives Lexa her typical big sister once-over, her critical eyes taking everything in.

 

“What’s wrong?” Anya asks, her features full of worry. 

 

She just looks so _real_. And younger. Why does everyone look younger in this dream, herself included? 

 

“I can’t wake up.”

 

“What?” she asks confused.

 

“I can’t wake up Anya, nothing I try works. I just can't wake up from this nightmare,” she tells her between frustration and desperation.  

 

She wonders as she says it if she really wants to wake up, because waking up would involve dealing with her grief, planning a funeral, calling all their friends and family and informing them that Clarke is dead. At least in this nightmare, Clarke isn’t dead. She doesn’t know Lexa, sure, but she’s alive. 

 

Maybe that’s why she’s not waking up; because deep down she doesn’t really want to.

 

“Lexi, you’re not making much sense,” Anya tells her softly, and that’s two big red flags right there, a testament to just how horrible Lexa must look. One, Anya only calls her Lexi when she’s either drunk or worried; and two, she only uses that voice when she’s trying to soothe Lexa. “Your eyes are all puffy. Did you cry yourself to sleep?” 

 

Lexa nods and looks down, unable to meet the concern in her eyes.

 

“Why were you crying?”

 

“You know why, An,” Lexa whispers brokenly.

 

“I don’t. Will you tell me?”

 

Maybe dream Anya isn’t aware yet. She’s getting really fed up with her dreammates having memory loss. 

 

“Clarke’s dead, Anya,” Lexa tells her, with an unbelievable amount of effort just to utter those words. It leaves her completely hollow.

 

Anya looks at a loss, her gaze quickly flickering from one point to another trying to make sense of Lexa’s words. “I don’t… Is he a friend of yours?”

 

Lexa looks up at her disbelieving. “ _She_! She, Anya, my girlfriend is dead and I can’t wake up from this dream where no one has caught up.”

 

“Lexi…Girlfriend?”

 

Then Lexa breaks down completely, a mess of sobs on the kitchen floor while Anya is trying, to no avail, to calm her down, her arms wrapping protectively around Lexa as she runs circles on her back and fingers through her hair until eventually Lexa is only softly crying and the dream still hasn’t ended. 

 

She doesn’t understand. Usually, when she cries this hard and feels such sorrow in her dreams, she’ll wake up. Crying, with tears running down her sleepy eyes, yes, but she’ll wake up nonetheless. She doesn’t wake up now, which leads her to believe that she maybe is awake after all. Crazy as it sounds (and it does sound one hundred percent crazy).

 

“An,” she clears her throat after her voice comes out as nothing more than a rasp and tries again. “You don’t know who Clarke is?”

 

Anya gives her a concerned look, her brows furrowed in confusion. “No, Lexi.”

 

“What about Raven?”

 

“Who’s that?”

 

Well, _fuck_.

 

Apparently, she’s in some kind of Peggy Sue Got Married type of situation.

 

She’s back in her junior year as it turns out. And now that she’s been through it again, she remembers. She’d seen Clarke before they met at Raven’s party. She was just another girl on campus, another random face which Lexa thought was beautiful but forgot about it soon after. She never thought about it again and she had no idea that when she’d met Clarke is was the second time she was seeing her, and she was pretty sure that neither did Clarke because they were always talking about how funny it was that they’d gone to the same college for four years and never ran into each other. 

 

Well, apparently they had, sort of, and Lexa was going to take advantage of that.  

 

Lexa has to deal with a very concerned Anya who barely leaves her side for the next few weeks and looks at her as if she might break down once again at any moment. She tells her some very unconvincing story about still being asleep when the meltdown happened and that everything is fine. Anya doesn’t believe her, obviously, because her sister is extremely perceptive and has the best bullshit meter. But still, eventually, she forgets about it.

 

Then, there’s the matter of Clarke. 

 

If this is some miraculous do-over, then Lexa wants to take advantage of it and spend the most amount of time possible with Clarke, so she decides she won’t wait six years to meet her again.

 

There’s still the problem of her coming across as some crazy girl when they first met this time around, so she thinks the best possible course of action is to take it slow. 

 

Now that she knows Clarke’s there, she actually sees her everywhere, even when she’s not looking. Lexa takes this as a good sign and does her best to convey the message that she is, contrary to popular belief, completely sane. She hangs out with her friends, goes to class, studies at the library, has her meals at the cafeteria, and all around does her best to be in Clarke’s line of sight when she’s looking like a regular person. She has hopes that this subliminal sort of message will get her good results.

 

Clarke notices her, of that she’s sure. Lexa catches her looking at her often but she’s not sure what to make of the girl’s expression. It’s a mix of curiosity and something that could either be suspicion or interest. Really, it could go either way.

 

With some subtle probing on Lexa’s part, they end up at the same random frat party in the middle of the semester. Lexa is not usually one for these parties but she’s been doing a lot of unusual things lately to get her girlfriend's attention, so what’s one more odd thing, really. 

 

To say it does not go well would be a terrible understatement. 

 

Somehow all the pep talks she’s been giving herself for the past months get tossed away as soon as she sees Clarke up close and she becomes some fumbling teenage version of herself that never existed in either reality. It’s ridiculous, to say the least. Luna laughs at her with no mercy and no matter how many times she encourages Lexa to go talk to Clarke, she can’t get her legs to move. There’s just so much pressure. This is her _girlfriend_ , or future girlfriend, the woman Lexa was prepared to spend the rest of her life with and she came across as completely unstable, possibly stalkerish, and now she can’t take the risk of messing it all up.

 

Naturally, she misses her chance. She feels like she should have remembered this detail because she knows how the story went the first time. Clarke met Finn in her junior year, they dated for a couple of years, he fucked it up, the end of that chapter. She’s just been so overwhelmed with this whole second time around thing and trying to find a way to get closer to Clarke that she didn’t think to consider the way things naturally progressed the first time. 

 

So she sees Clarke kissing Finn and she kind of throws up a little in her mouth and then she leaves. 

 

In the end, it takes weeks and weeks of thinking and overthinking and reading so many quantum physics books that she’s sprouting theories out of her ears for her to reach a simple conclusion: The Clarke she new, the Clarke she fell in love with, had to go through all those years of dating other people and getting her heart broken and all those other experiences in order to become the woman she met at that party. If one thing went differently, who knows what could’ve happened. Sure, maybe Lexa would be lucky and they would have that many more years together, but maybe they would also screw it up for however many reasons. 

 

So she leaves it be. She watches her girlfriend from afar, watches as she falls in love and lives her life without her. For now.

 

She meets Costia again after her graduation, but she doesn’t have it in her to be with someone else. She hasn’t since Clarke died and she just can’t get herself to do it. She’s been close, Anya often tries to set her up, take her to a bar to meet someone. She’s never gone further than a kiss and even that left her feeling terribly guilty, both for having kissed someone other than her girlfriend and for having enjoyed it, for having felt the need for that type of human connection she’s been without for years.

 

Costia flirts with her at first, of course she does, she’s the same woman as before. Lexa is not. She gently lets her know that she’s not interested but they become friends (or remain friends, in Lexa’s case. This is all too complicated for her brain sometimes).

 

Costia was her best friend before and she’s her best friend now, and Lexa does love her, which is why it breaks her heart to see her friend in an abusive relationship. But it took her a while to see it, she’s ashamed to admit. 

 

At first it was the emotional manipulation, the way Nia would get so jealous of Lexa and make Costia feel guilty for spending time with her, make her feel bad for having a life outside of their relationship, make her tell her where she was all the time, who she was with, what they did, letting her know she had to be home at a certain time, constantly checking her phone and going over her messages and social media accounts. 

 

It’s strange because, were Costia dating a man, Lexa would have seen the signs much sooner, which is a statement to how fucked up their society is. And then there are the unexplainable bruises and the flimsy excuses, and Lexa is helpless and frustrated and so, _so_ angry.

 

Costia never says anything, though, and Lexa sees her best friend falling into an abyss without being able to do anything. When she catches on to what was happening it is already too late. The day the police call her is the second time in her twice-lived life that her heart completely shatters. 

 

It gets harder to focus on the now after that, to not get lost in another spiral of what ifs. Because the truth is, Costia’s death is her fault. She may not have wielded the weapon but she put it in her path. Lexa’s rejection of their past, her inability to have a relationship again, is what led Costia to fall into another relationship, one which ultimately cost her her life.

 

It gets really fucking hard, to be honest. 

 

Her only consolation is the light that she can almost see at the end of the tunnel. She spends her days immersed in her work, even more than the first time around and she is quickly the best because she has done it all before. Nothing changes, she’s the only variable that’s different. It makes life easier in some ways, infinitely boring and hard in others.

 

Her heart is almost on the brink of exploding the day of Raven’s party. She’s been waiting for this day for six years, six very lonely, heartbreaking years but she has to believe that it was all worth it. And when she sees her, when she looks to the door just before she knows she’ll arrive so as not to miss even a single second, she thinks that it was.

 

She hasn’t seen Clarke in so long. At first, she kept looking for her after they graduated, but she quickly gave up when the longing proved to be too much. She looks absolutely stunning now, even with dirty scrubs and a tired look on her face. Lexa can’t take her eyes off of her.

 

She’s nervous, she’s extremely nervous for someone that has inside knowledge of how the whole thing will turn out. She can’t help it. But when Clarke smiles at her, that beautiful heart-melting smile, everything within her settles. She’s right where she is meant to be.

 

It’s easy, it’s so easy. They fall into each other seamlessly. This time Lexa follows because she can’t _not_. 

 

She didn’t realize just how starved of human affection she’s been after six years of celibacy and no more than a couple of chaste kisses here and there. And, she’s embarrassed to say, she’s incredibly rusty. She’s a fumbling mess of nerves but they laugh about it, Clarke has always made her feel so calm and at ease. She’s also, predictably, horny as fuck and one touch almost sends her over the edge. It’s ridiculous, it’s embarrassing, it’s hilarious, it’s _amazing_.

 

It goes quicker this time. Lexa is not holding back one bit and she’s happy no note that neither is Clarke. Almost as if she knows that they have so much time to catch up on. 

 

They’re the butt of Anya and Raven’s jokes, constantly mocking them for giving lesbians a bad name with their stereotyping (Clarke’s constant protest of “I’m bisexual” perpetually countered by Raven’s “Then act like one!”). They don’t actually care.

 

They move in together after about seven months, a practical decision seeing as they spend most of their time at each other’s apartments anyway. 

 

Lexa is so incredibly happy that she doesn’t think anything will bring her down. Her relationship is better than it’s ever been, there are almost no unnecessary fights. Lexa already knows everything that upsets Clarke and she’s already been ‘trained’ in her ways and, though Clarke hasn't, Lexa can’t really find it in her to care. This is her second chance, she won't get silly things like using coasters or leaving paint splatters everywhere get in the way.  

 

Her job is going spectacularly as well. She’s _this_ close to becoming a congresswoman and she can barely wait. She’s been working for this for so long. 

 

She didn’t think it would happen, but the truth is, it did. Somehow, amongst all the happiness, she _forgot_. 

 

It’s not until there’s an unexpected knock on her door that dread fills her and she’s immediately catapulted to eight years ago and her brain finally clicks on the date. 

 

She forgot. 

 

How on earth could she have forgotten?

 

Her hands shake and she’s crying before she even opens the door because she _knows_ , she knows where this is going and she can’t stop berating herself for having gotten lost in all the happiness, for not having remembered that there was a ticking time bomb attached to it.

 

She doesn’t actually hear them, it’s the same two police officers that came to her last time and a part of her mind that is close to losing it finds the coincidence, or lack thereof, hilarious. 

 

She calls Anya on autopilot. She can’t see the body, not this time. She doesn’t wish it on anyone and especially not on her sister, but she can’t do it herself.

 

It goes almost the same way, the main difference being that this time Lexa is mostly numb, the shock to her system too great. She takes the sleeping pills diligently, her mind praying and praying that when she wakes up she’s back again, that she gets another chance.

 

She doesn’t even feel herself fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a bit heavy on the angst, but it gets better!
> 
> Let me know what you think :D


	3. #3

Lexa comes to much the same way as last time, only she rushes out a breath in relief this time around.

 

She sees Clarke, and she is momentarily at peace.

 

She came back. For some reason, she gets another chance, _they_ get another chance.

 

She’s grieving, of course she’s grieving, but she has a goal in mind and she won’t allow herself to get distracted this time. The third time’s the charm after all.

 

She leaves Clarke alone. Sure, she watches from the edges (mildly stalkerish but she doesn’t think this counts as such, it _is_ her girlfriend after all), but she never once makes contact. She doesn’t go to any parties where she knows Clarke will be, she doesn’t try to run into her at the library or the cafeteria, she just goes on with her life like she did the first time.

 

Well, almost like the first time. This time she plans on using her knowledge to her advantage much sooner. If she must wait patiently for her private life to get where she wants it to, the same needn’t be said for her professional one.

 

It could be considered insider trading (well, technically, it _is_ ) but she doesn’t actually care. She takes more business courses than she did last time and she uses all her knowledge of the markets in the future to her advantage. If she must go through all this again, she will do it comfortably. And, she’s happy to report, all the money she’s making makes her more than comfortable.

 

She almost loses it when she sees Costia, alive and smiling and happy. She missed her best friend so much. Even during the first time, after they broke up, they remained close. Costia was the second person she told about Clarke (Anya was the first but she’s not sure that counts because Anya literally saw it happen) and her and Clarke were really good friends. It was unbelievably hard not having her around the second time.

 

So she is definitely not letting the same thing happen again. Costa flirts and Lexa flirts back. It’s easy, it’s nice, it’s that warm cup of cocoa that reminds you of your childhood and comes with such fond memories.

 

She doesn’t feel guilty this time. She’s the only person she’s been with besides Clarke after a decade and she, strangely, wouldn’t have it any other way. She’s not in love with her, but loves her. She will always love Costia, even though she loves Clarke more.

 

It’s taken many years to realize that one type of love needn’t overcome the other. They can both coexist. And she sure as hell won’t let Costia fall in with Nia again, she won’t lose her, not this time.

 

She likes this third version much better than the second, at least when it comes to the waiting part. Now she has Costia instead of being alone, and the comfort it brings cannot be easily put into words.

 

When the time comes, they break it off, just like they did the first time. And, just like the first time, they remain friends. She needs this, she needs certain things to remain a constant. Her sister, her best friend, her parents. She gets her strength from them.

 

Lexa is giddy with excitement when she meets Clarke again. She barely contains herself but she pulls through with some smooth lines, if she says so herself, and she wastes no time before finding her way back to Clarke’s heart and her bed. Not necessarily in that order.

 

She remembers this time. She knows it’s coming and she’s prepared for it. She knows the day it’s supposed to happen and she makes sure that Clarke doesn’t leave the house that day. She doesn’t. Lexa breathes easily for the first time in a while when she wakes up the next day to her living, breathing girlfriend.

 

She doesn’t take into account the universe.

 

Lexa’s not someone that believes in fate or any of that nonsense, which might be ridiculous coming from someone who’s come to accept these do-overs as a real thing and not a product of her grief-stricken imagination. Still, she doesn’t really believe in fate.

 

Fate has a different idea.

 

They go out to the grocery shop after breakfast and Lexa insists on coming with because she is not taking any chances. A car comes swerving out of nowhere when they’re walking on the sidewalk and, somehow, Lexa makes it out alive. Clarke does not.

 

Lexa sleeps and wishes with all her heart for this to stop.


	4. #4

She wakes up again.

 

She’s still on repeat.

 

Lexa wonders if there’s a way to get in contact with whoever is responsible for this colossal bullshit and get them to stop screwing with her. She needs it to stop. She needs for her girlfriend to be alive, not to have died two different ways in two different situations.

 

Clearly, there’s a problem with the connection because she gets no reply to her demands.

 

Also, she turns fifty.

 

How fucking weird is that? She’s fifty years old and also twenty-six. She’d imagined her fiftieth birthday would be spent with Clarke, that they would grow old together. Instead, someone’s pressed the repeat button on her life and she’s stuck.

 

She decides to celebrate nonetheless, you only turn fifty once right? Yeah right, life’s a prankster.

 

But she perseveres. That is just the type of person she is. She won’t be thrown down without a fight. She gets back up to fight another day.


	5. #5

She thinks maybe the problem is her.

 

Much as it costs her, maybe if she’s not in Clarke’s life, this won’t happen.

 

It’s worth a shot.

 

She doesn’t break up with Costia. This time she needs her more than ever and she’s maybe being a little selfish and possibly keeping her from the person she’s meant to be with, if there is such a thing, but she’s okay with being selfish for once.

 

It hurts her more than anything to be in the same spaces as Clarke and not be with her, to see her flirting with someone else, to see her dating Niylah. She’s not sure if it would hurt more or less if she didn’t look so happy. The thing is, she’s seen her _happier_. That is what perhaps hurts the most.

 

Her consolation is Costia, always by her side, a constant source of comfort even if she doesn’t know how much she helps Lexa. She wishes her best friend could understand just how important she is, especially considering the pain she puts her through.

 

Anya confronts her once. Her sister is way too perceptive and Lexa has had many, _many_ years of proof, so it’s a bit ridiculous that she thought she could get away with going unnoticed.

 

“You have a girlfriend, Lexa,” she tells her out of the blue one day when Costia isn’t with her and Clarke and Raven are laughing in their apartment’s balcony while Lexa watches from the living room couch.

 

“Your point?”

 

“My _point_ is, why are you looking at her like _that_?”

 

Lexa raises a challenging eyebrow. “At Raven?”

 

“Don’t try to be smart with me, little sis.”

 

Lexa huffs out a breath of frustration before she leans back on the couch and pointedly ignores her sister’s gaze while she deviates her eyes from watching Clarke.

 

“I’m not looking at her any other way than I would any other beautiful woman, Anya,” she tells her with pointed nonchalance.

 

“You have Costia.”

 

“I am aware,” she grits out through clenched teeth, struggling to control her temper. “It doesn’t mean I’m blind, and Costia is more than okay with just looking. She knows I love her and I would never do anything to betray her trust.”

 

There are moments in the dark of the night where she’ll wonder if what she’s doing to both of them is fair, if she’s just using Costia, and she hates herself for it. Then she thinks that, if it were the other way around, she would be grateful that Clarke had someone to lessen the pain of her absence, and she manages to sleep a little better.

 

Anya levels her a critical gaze before saying, “Good.”

 

That’s the end of that but Lexa is more careful from then on to keep whatever look Anya saw off her face. It’s a feat that proves troublesome considering she’s quite sure she oozes love for Clarke, but she’s nothing if not determined.


	6. #6

She failed. She doesn’t even know how she failed, but it happened nonetheless. One minute she’s there, dreading the day and hoping to wake up in the same bed, the next she’s here.

Clearly, staying away brought nothing but pain and no positive results, so no more of that nonsense. She will be with her girlfriend, goddamnit.

She doesn’t so much care for the possibility of screwing up the whole timeline this time because she really just fucking wants to be with Clarke, for however long she gets.

Lexa “randomly meets” her (with extra, _extra_ quotation marks) at one of the beginning of the year parties. She all but drags a bewildered Luna with her and almost feels bad when she ditches her for what her friend calls “So your type of girl, it’s gross.”

She confidently makes her way through the crowd and she’s pleased to see she catches Clarke’s eye, and interest if her expression is anything to go by (it is, Lexa has learned to read her like no other), almost immediately.

This Clarke is so…young, there is really no other way to put it. Barely twenty years old and at the height of her party days. Still, Lexa is hopelessly in love with this and with every version of her.

Clarke is eager to lead them to her dorm and Lexa is equally eager to follow, the brief thought that this doesn’t feel quite right immediately quashed beneath how much she misses her girlfriend after eight years of not even a single kiss from her.

This Clarke is different. She likes things slightly different, is much more eager to take the lead and Lexa is happy to let her. She can see that Clarke is only just getting comfortable in her sexuality, only beginning to explore beyond the basics. Lexa is more than happy to broaden her horizons.

It’s good, it’s really good for a while. The problems begin when Clarke wants nothing more than hooking up. At first, Lexa was happy to go with it, anything to have Clarke in her life, even if it wasn’t just how she wanted it. But, truthfully, she wants more, and Clarke won’t give her more.

She never thought Clarke could break her heart so thoroughly with something other than her death. It’s not worse than her dying, and she won’t be as dramatic as to say it is even close, but it is way more painful than she thought was possible.

And the thing is, she doesn’t _get it_. She doesn’t understand because in the original timeline, and all the subsequent others, Clarke had always had Finn. They had dated, _dated_ , for more than two years. So really, the only variant is her. _Lexa_ is the one that Clarke can’t commit to, and it not only makes no sense, it leaves her completely heartbroken.

Costia is a relief after that, a breath of fresh air in a way she had never needed before. Lexa had never needed Costia to get over her broken heart because Clarke had never broken her heart before.

Who would have guessed, sixth time reliving the same thing, and there were still new things to come.

She’s fearful when Anya starts dating Raven because she knows her time’s up. She’s let go of Costia, it wouldn’t be fair to her to get in the mix of that drama, but she’s still not ready.

Anya takes longer to introduce them because she knows that the Clarke that is Raven’s roommate is the same Clarke that broke her sister’s heart in college. She’s scared and Lexa tells her to “Relax, it’s been a long time, I’m sure we can all be grown-ups about it.” She hopes.

This time, meeting Raven goes differently because they had already met. Were friends even. Of course, Clarke got her in the “divorce”, so they haven’t spoken since.

“Damn, Woods, look at you! And those cheekbones. I should’ve known they’re genetic!” Raven teases her with her usual charm and Lexa is immediately more at ease, her fondness for the girl shining through.

Truth is, Clarke not wanting her in college broke her heart in more ways than one. She didn’t just lose her girlfriend, she lost her friends as well. Not completely, she knew, she’d see them again of course, but it had been nice to have them in her life so soon and at a time when she was still recovering after eight years without Clarke.

That was one of the hardest things about all this bullshit. She not only had to wait for six years for Clarke, she also had to wait the same amount of time for the rest of their friends, Raven especially. Hence why she clung so much to Costia, she was the only one who was always with her for most of it.

“Well, I’m sorry you got the worst looking one out of the two of us, Raven,” she smirks, earning a well-placed punch to the arm from Anya (damn, the woman seems to be getting stronger and stronger in each time loop).

Raven laughs, and, when their eyes meet, Lexa can see the apology in them and she wastes no time with awkwardness and pulls her in for a hug, completely ignoring how uncharacteristic this show of affection is for her.

“Missed you, Woods.”

“Missed you too, Raven.” More than she’ll ever know.

Anya looks at both of them with a mix of happiness and relief and Lexa is, once again, reminded of just how much her sister is in love with Raven.

The meeting with Clarke happens eventually. Not at the same party, Lexa wasn’t ready, but at Raven’s birthday party a couple of weeks later.

It’s…well, awkward is probably the right way to put it, though it doesn’t fully describe it.

The apartment is full of people, which her sister insisted would be for the best, and Lexa is inclined to agree. Clarke looks gorgeous, as ever, and they do a little awkward dance about how to greet each other until Lexa rolls her eyes at their idiocy and pulls her in for a hug.

It’s strange. She loves her so much. She’s basically sure she’s in this maddening loop because of just how much she loves Clarke, and yet she’s still so hurt. She thinks it hurts more because she knows what she was missing, something Clarke will never know. She’s also still incredibly angry at herself for having decided to fuck with the timeline because this mess is entirely her fault.

“It’s good to see you, Lex,” Clarke tells her with a small smile, her face marred with guilt which Lexa is not sure makes her feel better or worse.

“You too, Clarke.”

She doesn’t have it in her for more at the moment, so she goes to the balcony, a place that has come to mean so much to her in that apartment. Here, she feels like herself, she clears her head, gets in touch with her feelings. Here, she meets Clarke, again and again, and again.

This time is apparently no different.

“You’re gonna get sick, Lex.”

“I like the cold.” It’s something she’s said more times than she would’ve liked.

“Still, I can’t in good conscience let you catch a cold,” she says as she drapes a blanket gently over Lexa’s shoulders.

Apparently, even knowing each other, the conversation will go the same. She can’t help her next line, almost vibrating with anticipation as she waits for Clarke’s response.

“You do know that a cold is caused by a virus, right?”

Clarke rolls her eyes and sits next to her on the vacant chair, a blanket tightly wrapped around her own shoulders.

“And you do know that cold temperatures lower your immunity and make you more susceptible to catching said viruses, right?”

Lexa feels like laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation. Five times they’ve said the exact same things. Five times has Clarke given her the exact same eye roll. It would’ve been six if she hadn’t thought that avoiding Clarke last time would’ve kept her alive.

“I’m sorry, Lexa.”

This is new.

Lexa straightens up in her chair but keeps her eyes on the skyline, unable to face those piercing blue eyes which have a nasty habit of disarming her.

“I was stupid and immature and…scared,” Clarke says with a shaky breath.

“Scared of what?” Lexa can’t stop herself from asking because this she needs to understand. Why Finn but not her? She’s been going over and over it for more than four years.

“You.” At Lexa’s single raised brow she continues. “You were so…intense.”

Lexa can’t help but scoff. “ _Intense_?”

“Yes. There you were, looking like that, all confident and just so sure. Of yourself, of your future…of _us_.”

Lexa has to put in a great effort not to burst out laughing at that. If there is one thing she is not, it’s sure. She knows nothing about this fucking life that keeps using her as a lab rat.

“I wasn’t. Not of everything.” _Just of us_ , but she doesn’t say that because it wouldn’t even be true anymore.

“Well, I wasn’t sure of anything. Not my life or my degree or…”

“Me,” Lexa supplies softy when Clarke doesn’t finish. She has to look away then, afraid of what her face might reveal.

“You said you loved me,” Clarke says with a certain degree of uncertainty, as if the time passed would’ve made the words any less true.

“Because I did.” _Do_.

“I wasn’t ready for that,” Clarke tells her softly and Lexa looks at her trying to understand.

“For being loved?” Lexa asks disbelievingly.

Clarke shakes her head slightly, her lips twisting one way and the other as if she’s trying to find a way to say what she means.

“Not just any love, Lex.”

“I don’t follow.”

“You…You’ve always looked at me differently. There’s just so much there…I- I wasn’t ready for all that back then.”

Oh.

 _Oh_. Okay. Now she gets it.

Anya and her parents have always told her that she’s an open book to those who know how to read her eyes.

Clarke is right. It was too much. She’s got years and years, decades if she cares to think about it (which she doesn’t), of love for this woman and it was too much to put on a twenty-year-old.

It’s on her, really, she knew Clarke was different, she knew she was younger, more immature, but she still pursued her, she just wanted any little dose of her she could get.

Clarke will never understand it, can never understand, but Lexa is the one that needs to apologize.

“You did nothing wrong, Clarke. _I’m_ sorry."

Clarke shakes her head and lets out a little laugh.

“For what? Loving me?” And if Lexa didn’t know any better she’d say she looks hurt behind the veil of teasing.

“For my poor timing,” she tells her.

Clarke frowns and looks adorably confused and Lexa can’t control her hand when it decides to move over and squeeze Clarke’s softly.

“I’m not mad, Clarke.”

Clarke smiles at that, relieved, and they go back to looking at the stars in silence.

It takes longer in this loop. They tiptoe around each other, each too afraid to hurt and be hurt. It goes slowly, but it does go.

Raven almost cries when they tell her they’re trying again and tells them how relieved she is at not having to choose anymore. Clarke looks guilty but Lexa kisses her reassuringly and she sees her features relax.

Anya is not so happy about their relationship this time and sends constant threatening glares Clarke’s way. Lexa is 99% sure there were also verbal threats involved but she has no way of confirming it since they’re both tightlipped.

Costia is less friendly towards Clarke as well, having borne witness to the results of their breakup the first time. She’s not as scary as Anya, but Lexa wasn’t aware she had it in her to be so protective of her. It’s nice, she has to admit; it feels good to be so loved. It would be better if her girlfriend and best friend got along like they usually did, but, alas, she can’t be too picky.

But it’s okay in the end. Her heart mends and she’s happy. Clarke is happy too and Lexa is glad to have her Clarke back. It really does make a difference.

She fears this date like she’s never feared anything else in her (very long) life. It’s the culmination of more than eight years of dread and she’s still hoping for another outcome. She doesn’t want to risk the roads or cars this time so they book time off work and Lexa takes them to a cabin she bought in the woods a few years ago. (Technically, a cabin she keeps buying over and over again, but, details.)

She likes to come here once in a while, to recharge, to think, to wait. It’s safe.

Supposedly.

It’s the stupidest thing ever. It is so ridiculous that Lexa is in near hysterics between laughing and crying because all Clarke did was trip. She’s a clumsy person, she’s always tripping. Lexa is always making fun of her and she always catches her.

Almost always.

Clarke trips and she hits her head on a rock and…that’s it. It’s really fucking stupid and Lexa almost loses it.


	7. #7

 

Lexa doesn’t want to ever talk or _think_ about loop number seven.

 

 

 

She should probably mention how grateful she is for her parents and Anya and Costia and the rest of her friends and family, though, she doesn’t want to be rude.


	8. #8

Anya thinks she’s gone crazy. Lexa is inclined to agree. She’s still going, though.

 

“What about your degree? Your future? You’ve always wanted to be a politician, Lexa!”

 

“I’ve changed my mind,” she counters, though she hasn’t, not really. She just really needs a break.

 

“Changed your mind?! You never change your mind! For anything.”

 

“Well, it happened. And, if I change it again, college isn’t going anywhere, I can always go back.”

 

“But-”

 

Lexa lifts up her hand and Anya takes it with the finality it’s meant. She’s made up her mind, she won’t change it, no matter how many times Anya tries to get some “sense into her”, as she says, or how many times their parents call after Anya pretends to have given up on it.

 

She goes.

 

It’s freeing, really, to get away for a while. She decides a road trip through the country is in order, she’ll figure out the route as she goes. She doesn’t have much money to begin with but she’s already started investing in the stock market as she’s been doing since loop number three so she knows she’ll be alright. Her parents, well-meaning as they are, are hoping that she’ll come back when she runs out of money. They might be waiting a long time for that to happen.

 

She doesn’t know why she hasn’t done this before to be perfectly honest.

 

After all these years of living and reliving the same things, she’s glad to see something different, to get away from her routine. From constantly thinking about Clarke and looking for her everywhere she goes in the city. Granted, Clarke is obviously always on her mind, but this way it’s more a subconscious presence than a constant ache.

 

The last loop almost broke her. She doesn’t think she can keep her sanity without taking a break.

 

She misses Anya and her friends, she misses Costia too, though it’s still too early to meet her. Still, she keeps going.

 

It’s been a year of traveling across the country and she’s seen most of what there is to see. She keeps in touch with home with regular phone calls or messages, mostly so that she doesn’t run the risk of having Anya track her down if she goes too long without showing signs of life.

 

She decides to travel through South America next. She’s always wanted to go and now is as good a time as any to put those language skills to the test.

 

It’s amazing. Everything is so beautiful, the culture so different yet so familiar at the same time due to all the immigrant communities back in her city. The women are beautiful are well, and she enjoys her fair share.

 

It was something she’d never quite done before; to allow herself to just let loose and relax, to fully unwind, to live in the moment, to pursue a beautiful woman rather than ignore the desire. It was liberating.

 

Gone are the days where she would feel guilty over kissing someone else, over needing the physical connection. She’s come to terms with the fact that she is only human and it’s okay to seek comfort from someone else, to try to keep the loneliness at bay for a little longer. None of them are Clarke, and they’re not Costia either, but that is more than fine with her.

 

She has love in her life already, they’re just in different chapters of the book at the moment.

 

She comes back home with a tan, a ton of stories, and a bag full of souvenirs. Anya - stoic, impassive, reserved Anya - almost chokes her to death with a hug. Her parents are no better.

 

“Were two years really necessary for this ‘finding yourself’ hippy bullshit?” Anya demands, her scorn trying to hide how much she missed Lexa.

 

Lexa rolls her eyes but smiles brightly anyways.

 

“I wasn’t trying to find myself, Anya, I just needed a break.”

 

“From _life_?” she asks dubiously, clearly having spent the past two years trying to wrap her head around what could’ve possibly made Lexa want to leave.

 

If only she knew.

 

“From your annoying ass,” she teases and her sister punches her good-naturedly.

 

She goes back to college, much to her family’s relief, but she decides she doesn’t care about appearances anymore and she takes all her remaining credits in one semester. She’s done the courses so many times already she can ace all the exams without even studying. Also extremely beneficial is the fact that they’re always the same. _Every. single. time_.

 

Her faculty advisor looks at her like she’s crazy. Her parents give her much the same look. Anya tells her she doesn’t need to prove herself. Lexa proves them all wrong.

 

She meets Costia during the semester. Usually, by this time she would be working, but it’s okay, it works out like it usually does. Costia is convinced she’s a genius, Lexa tells her Raven is the genius but the joke goes over her head.

 

That’s another annoying thing about these time loops. She’s got so many inside jokes with herself. If only the people around her knew what was happening, they’d think she’s funny.

 

She _is_ funny, dammit, it’s just, usually, life sucks.

 

Anyways, she laughs by herself, she’s used it.

 

She’s determined not to have a repeat of last time, or any other time in fact, but last time specifically was a disaster of epic proportions she desperately wishes she could erase from her mind.

 

She and Clarke take the week off and Lexa is still trying out options that will keep Clarke alive so this time she decides to visit her parents.

 

It’s a quick forty-five-minute drive and Clarke is excited to have the days off and relax in the country house. She looks really beautiful with the sun catching her hair in the window, sunglasses pulling her hair back from her face elegantly.

 

“You’re staring,” Clarke points out with a smirk.

 

“Well, you’re beautiful, it’s your own fault I stare,” Lexa retorts cheekily.

It’s also possibly one of the last images she’ll have of her before something else happens, so Lexa does stare and she stares constantly, always trying to capture everything about her.

 

“I can’t wait for your mom’s cooking, Lex, Indra’s pies are the best!” Clarke says with a joyful smile, the prospect of good food always making her happy.

 

Lexa chuckles before saying, “Don’t let my dad hear you, he’ll get jealous.”

 

“Aw, Gus knows I love his stew, it’s in my top ten. After your mom’s pies, of course,” she adds seriously.

 

“Of course,” Lexa agrees with a laugh.

 

One would think after seven times she’d be used to it. She’s not.

 

A fucking allergic reaction, for crying out loud. Apparently, the countryside has its drawbacks, including an abundance of bugs, which can cause severe anaphylactic shock if one’s allergic, and a hospital that is just too far away.

 

A fucking allergy.

 

Lexa is almost 100% sure the universe has something against her.


	9. #9

She promised Costia last time that she’d take her to see the world one day, so she decides now is as good a time as any. She’s also concluded that last loop was one of the best ones so far in her pre-Clarke time, and it was mostly due to her deciding to let loose a bit more and having some fun. So she’s taking this traveling thing as a necessary part of her repetitive life. It’s a question of mental sanity as much as anything else.

 

At first, Costia is reluctant to leave her job, but Lexa convinces her to take a sabbatical and the university guarantees she’ll have her job waiting for her when she comes back, so they go.

 

They chose Africa this time, partly because it’s a beautiful continent and partly because Lexa wants to give Costia an opportunity to connect with her heritage since she knows it’s important to her. She can’t count the number of times over the past decades she’s heard Costia wistfully say “One day…” Always one day. Now is the day.

 

It’s a mix of incredible and heartbreaking. They focus on the central and southern countries and are mesmerized by the beauty and the people. Nature, the animals, the weather, the cultures, everything is just so different than what they’re used to. The people are usually so friendly and welcoming and Lexa is happy to look at Costia and see a constant smile on her face. It’s also a fun experience, she never got to travel with her best friend before, and they get up to a lot of adventures.

 

But it’s heartbreaking in the sense that there is so much poverty, so much pain, and misery. She knows they don’t see it all, that they’re sheltered from the worst of it, but there’s no denying that it’s there.

 

It’s a much necessary wake up call. One she should have had many loops ago but she was too distracted by her own pain to do much more than finance a few community projects here and there. No more.

 

She’s sitting on buckets of money and she plans on putting it to good use. She knows she can’t fix everything, she knows the problems won’t go away with what little help she can give, and she knows these are not her people, but she has people at home that need help which she can give, and she can also do something here, small as it may be.

 

Costia helps her chose an organization that works with empowering young girls, giving them a proper education and means to try to make the best out of what life gives them. It’s not much, but it’s a start.

 

They go back home and Lexa starts working on developing her own projects to help her people. It makes her feel accomplished, useful, like she’s finally making good use of these extra chances at life. There’s also a hint of shame that comes with it, for how long it took her to see that she could’ve been doing much more to help her people. But she’s vowed to keep things going.

 

For the first time in a long while, she feels happy with her life sans-Clarke. She will feel happier once she’s with her again, certainly, but she is also happy now and that counts for more than she can say.

 

She tells Clarke about the new things she’s got going on and it’s an exciting conversation, not only because it’s something different that Lexa gets to share with her, for once, but also because Clarke shows a real interest in the organizations and Lexa loves that look she gets when she’s excited about something.

 

She takes Clarke back to Zimbabwe when she goes to check on her project with the girls. It’s her and Costia’s thing, which Clarke respects, but she still wanted to check it out and Lexa is happy to oblige.

 

They come back and Clarke is so full of ideas about wanting to build a clinic there and how to get the funding and she works on it for weeks on end.

 

And then she gets sick. It catches Lexa completely off guard this time. It’s too early, they still have at least 53 days left, but, apparently, parasites don’t really care about timing.

 

The doctors say she caught malaria there but the parasite can remain in the bloodstream for months without showing symptoms, and, by the time they find out, it’s too late. It’s already in the brain and Lexa loses her.

 

And it’s not fucking fair. There was still time left.

 

It’s not _fair_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hang in there, guys. It starts getting lighter after this. Less death talk, more fun :)
> 
> Also, that moment when you're staring at your screen for five solid minutes searching for a word which is stubbornly only coming to you in another language...the struggle is real :P


	10. #10

Her time is almost up in this loop and it’s her twenty-eighth birthday but it’s also her hundredth and so Lexa is celebrating.

 

Who would’ve guessed she’d ever make it to a hundred years old, let alone in a constant time loop that is threatening to make her insane but still manages to make her practically ageless.

 

She’s like a vampire, minus the fangs and bloodlust.

 

(Maybe a slight bloodlust for whoever is responsible for this particular brand of torture.)

 

She also might be slightly more than just a little bit drunk when she loudly proclaims to the dinner table, “Happy hundredth birthday to me!”

 

Definitely more than just a little bit drunk.

 

Everyone bursts out laughing and Anya turns to her and makes a move for her glass, which in turn has Lexa frowning and pouting as she protectively holds it closer to her chest.

 

“I think you’ve had too much to drink, little sis. I know twenty-eight can feel old but you’re not a hundred just yet.”

 

“Am too!” Lexa stubbornly responds, affronted at their not taking her Very Important Proclamation seriously.

 

“So is this your way of telling us you're a vampire, Woods?” Raven asks her through a bout of laughter.

 

“Should I be scared you’ll try to bite me, babe?”

 

“Oh don’t even try to hide it, Griffin, you like it when she bites!”

 

Clarke laughs and winks at Lexa. “Sure do.”

 

“This is serious, guys!” Lexa insists. If she already said it, then she’s going through with it, she’ll get them to believe her. Why would she lie, anyway? She never jokes about serious things. “One hundred is a big milestone!”

 

“Sure is sis, we’ll party like crazy when we get there, canes andwalkers and wheelchairs and all.”

 

“I’m already there!” Lexa pouts, affronted at their mocking when this is some very serious business.

 

“Okay baby, maybe we can switch you to water now, huh?” Clarke asks her softly as she motions for Lexa’s drink.

 

Lexa looks at those vibrant blue eyes and relents. She gives it to her because she can't really deny Clarke anything, but her drunken brain is not giving up. She _will_ get the respect she deserves, she’s their elder, dammit!

 

“I can prove it!” Lexa loudly proclaims with an ill-advised jerk to stand up from her chair, which she immediately regrets and swiftly slumps back down, much to everyone’s amusement.

 

“Okay, commander, prove it,” Costia taunts her but Lexa takes it a serious challenge.

 

“Easy!”

 

Well. Maybe.

 

She’s a bit too drunk for her thoughts to flow as easily as they usually do so she takes some time juggling around in her memories.

 

Her eyes widen when she's sure she's hit the jackpot. “How do you guys think I made all that money in the stock market, huh? I knew everything that was going to happen,” she tells them, satisfied with her flawless logic.

 

“Babe, that just means you’re really smart with numbers, and maybe you shouldn’t proclaim you knew everything that was going to happen in the stock, I wouldn’t want you to go to jail,” Clarke tells her, amused at Lexa’s drunken state which is such a rarity to her.

 

“Oh, she’d rule prison, though,” Raven snickers.

 

Octavia nods in agreement. “No doubt. She’d be the boss bitch.”

 

“More like someone’s bitch,” Anya teases her with that infuriating smirk that Lexa just wants to smack off her face.

 

“Would not! I’d definitely be the boss bitch!” Lexa proclaims, affronted.

 

“That’s not the point, hun,” Costia says with her Lexa smile.

 

Lexa looks back to her and blinks rapidly, her sluggish brain trying to get caught up. “Oh, right. And the point was…”

 

“You were trying to prove you’re one hundred years old, somehow,” Costia indulges her with amusement twinkling in her eyes.

 

“Yes! Because I _am_!” she exclaims, reenergized in her fight to be taken seriously.

 

“And how do you suppose you can prove that?” Bellamy asks with a dubious eyebrow up, barely counting his laughter.

 

“Uh….Aha!” she shouts too loudly and everyone kind of does a little jump. “You,” she says as she points to her sister, “Fell in love with Raven the first time you spoke to her.”

 

Anya blushes furiously but rolls her eyes and crosses her arms over her chest. “Everyone knows that,” she mumbles shyly.

 

“Yes, because you’re so obvious, but… _But_! You also knew after your first date that you wanted to marry her!” Lexa finishes with a triumphant grin.

 

Anya sputters, head going from Lexa to Raven, her cheeks flushing even redder and Raven is doing no better, looking suddenly sheepish and pleased at the same time. The looks exchanged between the both of them making Lexa sure it’s a conversation they will readdress later.

 

“You- I- I never said such a thing!”

 

“Well not this time, but I got you drunk a few loops ago and you confessed,” she adds nonchalantly with a Cheshire grin, oblivious to everyone’s confused look at her explanation. “And you,” she says as she turns to Costia, “have the biggest crush on that actress from that zombie show, the brunette with the green eyes and the cheekbones and the pouty lips, what’s her name?”

 

Costia’s cheeks darken and she mumbles some name under her breath that Lexa doesn’t catch but nods in satisfaction before moving on to her next target, ignoring the confused looks around the table.

 

“That proves nothing, baby, she’s been obsessed with the show for ages now,” Clarke interrupts her with amusement, causing Costia to look even more embarrassed.

 

“I love zombie shows, okay? And she’s _really_ hot _,_ ” she grumbles, caramel cheeks flushing even darker.

 

Lexa pauses for a moment to think and then an evil grin comes to her lips. “I know you went to that con a couple of months ago and you had her sign your little fan book with all the lesbian edits.”

 

Costia’s eyes widen comically and Raven bursts out laughing followed quickly by everyone else.

 

“No way, Cos! I can’t believe you’re such a fangirl!” Anya cackles.

 

“Guys…have you _seen_ her?” Costia defends herself before turning her glare on Lexa. “One best friend you turned out to be. How do you know, anyway?”

 

“Because I went with you. Not this time, a few loops ago.” Shewaves a dismissive hand and ignores the open mouths and confused eyes on her and points to Lincoln. “Panty incident.”

 

Lincoln’s eyes widen and he looks to Octavia who looks as equaly perplexed.

 

“No,” he says dreadfully.

 

“Oh yes.”

 

Everyone gives them confused looks and then there’s a multitude of “Whats” and “What are you talking about” and “What panty incident?.”

 

“Don’t you dare tell them!” Lincoln pleads, mortified.

 

“How the hell do you know about that?” Octavia whispers in a shocked daze.

 

“Oh please don’t tell me you two have some spicy panty fetish. Actually, _please_ them me that’s the case!” Raven teases, absolutely gleeful in their humiliation and then promptly bursts out laughing at their embarrassment, Lincoln doing a poor attempt at trying to deny it without explaining the story.

“Don’t laugh, Reyes, I know about Finn.”

 

Raven’s face drops and she looks incredibly pale when she glances at Lexa and everyone on the table turns from one to the other, the mood suddenly sobering up.

 

“What about Finn?” Clarke asks suspiciously.

 

“It’s nothing, babe,” Lexa tells her, immediately realizing she shouldn’t have said anything and feeling a wave of guilt wash over her.

 

 _Fuck_. She needs to sober up. Maybe shut up while she’s at it.

 

What’s the point in all this, anyway? Prove to them that she’s been stuck in a time loop only to have them forget about it in a few weeks when they reset?

 

Yeah. It’s a useless endeavor.

 

She takes a long gulp of water to try to get her brain back to normal. She’s suddenly not in such a party mood after all. Not that she really was, to begin with, it was more of a sad event full of self-pity, but still. She’s wallowing even deeper in it now.

 

“How do you know about that, Lexa? No one knows,” Raven asks her, voice shaky with suspicion.

 

Lexa shrugs noncommittally.

 

“Knows what?” Clarke asks, an edge in her voice.

 

“Finn was an asshole, is all,” Lexa tells her with a reassuring smile. “He tried to hit on Raven but she told him to fuck off.”

 

She shoots Raven what she hopes is an apologetic look and Ravens nods gratefully but still eyes her wearily. Thankfully, her drunken face can still perform basic communication functions.

 

“He what?” Clarke exclaims as she turns to Raven for confirmation. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

“I didn’t want to make it worse.”

 

“How do you know all this, Lexa?” Anya asks her suspiciously.

 

Lexa groans and rubs her face with her free hand, suddenly exhausted.

 

“I told you, this is my hundredth birthday. I’ve done all this before. Kind of been stuck in a time loop for a while,” she notes simply.

 

More than a while, if she’s honest, but that’s too depressing to think about.

 

Clarke looks at her with a mix of confusion and worry. “What are you talking about, babe?”

 

Lexa shrugs dismissively. “Just some complicated quantum physics bullshit that I don’t understand the reason behind, myself, but has me reliving the same things over and over again. Like ‘Groundhog Day’, only it’s years instead of days. Thank god,” she adds. She would’ve gone crazy for sure by now if that was the case.

 

“What?”

 

“How?”

 

“No way.”

 

“That’s impossible!” Bellamy exclaims.

 

“Well, she just proved she knows things she couldn’t otherwise, dummy!” Octavia tells him with a well-placed smack to the head.

 

“You’ve been repeating your life on a loop?” Raven asks her, disbelief being slowly replaced by her innate curiosity.

 

Lexa shakes her head and immediately regrets it after the room starts slowly spinning. Fuck, she’s drunker than she thought. “Not my whole life, just eight years. From twenty to now.”

 

Everyone looks at each other and at her, no one daring to speak for a while. Lexa can almost feel their thoughts, from disbelief to suspicion to confusion until, slowly, it starts morphing into shock and even pity.

 

“Lexa-” Clarke starts and then immediately cuts herself off, staring at her with open horror.

 

“Lexi…” and there it is, her sister’s concerned voice. “How long?”

 

Her voice comes out just barely a whisper she says, “This is number ten.”

 

There’s a weird collective breath being sucked in, Clarke audibly gasps next to her and grips her hand tightly, her face pale white and tears in her eyes.

 

It has Lexa swallowing hard and forcing a small smile on her face while she shakes off their response.

 

“Hey, none of that, it’s my birthday, remember? We’re celebrating tonight!” It’s a weak effort at best, her voice wavering and the attempt at levity all but unsuccessful.

 

She gets a myriad of dubious looks, until Raven, bless her, breaks the ice.

 

“Well, you look fucking hot for one hundred, Lexa,” she tells her with a smirk, and her voice is slightly shaky but Lexa pretends not to notice and everyone lets out a little, broken laugh, the mood getting lighter by the second, though the heaviness in the air is undeniable.

 

“Right?! Thank you!” Lexa shoots her a grateful look and she turns to kiss Clarke softly on her cheek. “Don’t think about it, babe, just be here with me,” she whispers softly in her ear. She can’t have this conversation with Clarke right now or she won’t make it through the night.

 

Clarke looks at her with her eyes full of tears which she stubbornly refuses to let fall and Lexa kisses her on the lips in appreciation.

 

“Let’s drink, bitches!” Octavia yells as she pops open another bottle of champagne.

 

Lexa has never been more grateful for her friends’ ability to overcome almost anything than she is right now. 

 

Clarke looks on the brim of breaking down for most of the night and she doesn’t leave her side, gripping to her like a lifeline. Lexa holds her just as tight. They’ll talk about it later, but she can’t go into it with her when she’s supposed to be acting happy for the party Clarke and their friends threw her.

 

When everyone’s settled down in the living room after clearing the table she can practically feel the buzz in the room instead of the relaxed vibe they usually settle on after their dinner parties.

 

“Okay, just spit it out, everyone,” she says, forcing an amused smile on her face when they all just keep looking at her nervously, as if afraid she’ll break.

 

They all burst out with questions and Lexa rolls her eyes and tells them one at a time, pointing at each one as they go along the room.

 

“Is it the first time you tell us?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Is it always the same? In every loop?”

 

“No.”

 

“How does it differ?”

 

“It…depends on the choices I make. Butterfly effect and all that jazz, I guess.”

 

“What’s gonna happen next?”

 

She takes a moment to think of what would be harmless to reveal before settling on, “Trump is getting impeached,” resulting in major jubilation across the room. She feels a little bit like a goddess. It’s kind of hilarious when it’s not downright depressing.

 

“Why?” Clarke asks in a whisper, breaking the circle. She doesn't elaborate on the question but Lexa understands what she's asking.

 

“I don’t know,” she replies truthfully.

 

“What happens when one loop ends and one begins? Like, is there a catalyst? A pattern of some sort?” Raven asks, that genius brain of hers working a thousand miles a minute.

 

Lexa just shakes her head slightly and moves on to the next.

 

Costia catches on to her need to change the topic and asks her with a smirk, “Am I always as awesome in bed?”

 

Everyone laughs and Lexa throws her a pillow because that is _so_ not helping, but it does diffuse the tension and soon they’ve moved on to lighter topics.

 

“Hey,” Raven says as she comes to sit next to her on the sofa a while later when Clarke goes to the bathroom, a nervous look on her face. “Can I ask you something?”

 

“Go for it.”

 

“Have you tried doing something about my leg?”

 

Lexa leans onto her shoulder and pats her good leg gently.

 

“I would have if I’d known what happened,” she tells her with a soft smile.

 

“Anya didn’t…?” Lexa shakes her head and Raven looks grateful for her girlfriend’s loyalty. “I didn’t either? Not even when drunk?”

 

Lexa shakes her head again. “No, and I never tried to probe. It’s your story.”

 

Raven nods and bites her lips in contemplation.

 

“It was a stray bullet. I was walking home at night and there was a robbery and the cops were running after the guy and they came out of nowhere and fired a few shots in the dark and I couldn’t hide fast enough. One of then hit my spine and…the rest you know.”

 

Lexa takes her hand and holds it tightly and asks her for the details. She hopes there is no next time but, if there is, she’ll try to help her friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys. This is a clexa story, yes, but it's mostly a Lexa story, about how she deals with this shit situation and what she learns from it. So yes, Costia is an important part of that, but it in no way diminishes Clarke's role in her life or in this story. I do realize that her relationship with Clarke has not been the main focus in a few chapters, but it was on purpose. There is more to Lexa's life than her relationships. That being said, I can guarantee that more than two-thirds of what I've written so far is clexa-centric and I'm still not done writing so there'll be more :D
> 
> Also, and not at all related, I'm not particularly happy with this chapter but I've gone over it so many times I just don't even know what I'm reading anymore. Anywho, let me know if it's a disaster or something, I can take it ;)


	11. #11

As it turns out, Raven’s injury is one of those crucial things in maintaining the timeline.

 

Lexa finds this out the hard way.

 

Because she stops Raven from getting shot, Raven no longer needs a physiotherapist.

 

Because she doesn’t need a physiotherapist, she never meets Lincoln, who was supposed to be hers.

 

Because she doesn’t meet Lincoln, he doesn’t meet Octavia, since they met when she accompanied Raven to one of her sessions.

 

Because Raven doesn’t meet Lincoln, she doesn’t meet Anya.

 

And Lexa has no reason to meet Clarke other than to purposefully seek her out.

 

In short, it’s a clusterfuck.

 

Lexa decides to be resourceful anyways, because there is no way in hell she’ll spend another loop without her girlfriend, and so she finds a way to accidentally on purpose run into Clarke. It goes well. For them.

 

When it comes to the others, though, she’s too late to try to play matchmaker. Raven is with Bellamy for some unknown reason that leaves her needing a lot of bleach on her eyes to get the image out of her head, and so Anya is still perpetually single and hooking up with any hot piece of ass she finds and ditching them unceremoniously the next day.

 

Lincoln ends up dating Luna, which is not as hard to get her head around, but it still looks really weird, and Octavia finds this random dude, cute, but not much going on in his head besides lifting weights and drinking muscle supplements.

 

It brings a whole other level of pain to see the effects of her actions on her friends' lives. To see the lost potential for happiness, so close within their reach, yet they don’t even know they're missing it.

 

Dinner parties with their friends become a strange sort of glimpse into a dystopic reality. It’s not as if they’re unhappy per se, it’s just that it doesn’t feel right. There’s a permanent sense of guilt corroding her when Lexa catches Lincoln and Octavia exchanging looks filled with curiosity, or Anya and Raven having heated discussions which end with both of them too close to be considered platonic only to pull away with a flash of what looks a lot like longing in their eyes.

 

It’s just not _right_. It doesn’t fit.

 

It’s looking at a picture where the smiles are too fake, too plastic, too artificial to be able to properly hide the models’ real discomfort. It’s living in some strange reality with a corrupt Stepfordd version of each of them. It’s knowing what it _should_ be and not being able to do anything about what _is_. Except wait, of course.

 

It’s the same feeling she had after the second loop, when she saw Costia with Nia and how that turned out. It’s a slap in the face at the consequences of changing something, only this time it wasn’t just her life she messed with.

 

Not only does it make reality feel inherently _wrong_ , it also makes her realize just how much people’s experiences shape them, how much relationships with other people affect not only their lives but their essence. We are who we are not only because of our core self but because of our experiences and our connections with others.

 

Costia was not the same woman without her relationship with Lexa to shape her view on romantic relationships. Anya is not the same without Raven to show her what love really is and that she is a better person for allowing it in her life. Raven is not the same without Anya to show her understanding, support, stability, and self-worth. Lincoln is not the same without Octavia’s brash and vivacious approach to life bringing him out of his shell. And Octavia is not the same without his calming presence to the hurricane that she is. Just like Clarke without Lexa in her life was not the same Clarke who knows that it’s okay to stand up for yourself even if you love someone ( _especially_ if you love someone), who knows that she’s loved for who she is, flaws and all, not for some idealized version of herself.

 

She doesn’t know if their relationships as they are supposed to be originally, are the ones for them. Heck, she doesn’t even know if there is such a thing as The One. But she does know that they are better, that they are happier. Maybe they won’t last forever, maybe they will, but to have taken away these years of contentment from them…It kills her.

 

In conclusion, she’s really fucking glad that there’s a redo because this one was just pure shit all around.


	12. #12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two chapters updated today :)

Next time Lexa hears someone complaining about getting a song stuck in their head after listening to it on repeat on the radio for weeks on end, she might just stab them in the eye with a toothpick. Try literal _decades_ of listening to the same damn songs.

 

She can barely turn on the radio these days without getting annoyed at songs she used to love but has clearly gotten over after hearing them constantly for the past almost eight decades.

 

Also, she’s tired of not having enough movie variety so she decides to move on to other, less explored, movie industries.

 

For some unknown reason, she kind of really loves Bollywood. Go figure.

 

If anyone asks, she will deny it till her dying breath, especially to Anya, she’d never live that down.

 

Of course, Anya would forget it once the new loop came along so, there’s that.

 

(Maybe she _will_ tell her, just for fun.)


	13. #13

She thinks it’s time for some more traveling. It’s been a few years after all.

 

She convinces Anya to go with, and they do a European tour and fall in love with everything. There’s just so much history, and Lexa really is a history nerd so it’s kind of as close to a perfect year as it can get.

 

There’s obviously the pesky little detail of her being trapped and no one being none the wiser, but, fuck it, at least she gets to enjoy this.

 

And it’s probably the best sisterly bonding time she’s had so far. Fair enough, they do almost kill each other every couple of weeks, but that’s just the way sisters work. Right?

 

She’ll have so many stories to share with Clarke later, she can’t wait. And she can’t wait to come with her, she’ll have to convince Clarke to get some time off the hospital for that, which will be very hard to do, but she is persistent.


	14. #14

This whole time loop trap is getting really old.

 

One hundred years stuck in this bullshit. She would throw a party were she not more likely to kill whoever’s responsible for this shit situation.

 

Lexa considers herself a patient person but this is seriously testing her limits. Somedays she thinks she’s beginning to lose her grip on reality.

 

She’s finding it increasingly hard to keep track of everything. It would help if she could keep her things from one loop to the other, but it’s not like she can talk to the management and complain.

 

She’s taken to writing things down, trying to organize everything she remembers as soon as she starts a new loop, but, even with her memory, it’s getting tricky. It is over one hundred years of repeating loops, after all, humans aren’t really meant to live as long as she has.

 

Whoever thought being a vampire would be cool was sorely mistaken. But, she supposes, at least vampires get to live it continuously, not repeat the same eight-year period, time and time again.

 

Come to think of it, she wishes she was a vampire, at least that seems like a more bearable curse. (Minus the whole drinking people’s blood and possibly draining them to death thing, but, details.)


	15. #15

It’s official. Lexa has succumbed to the depression that’s been lurking in the shadows, threatening to overtake her for the past century.

 

There’s no sugarcoating it. It’s bad.

 

She skips college, works some menial job because Anya forces her to get out of the house and, besides that, does little more than stay home and watch mindless television or read a million and five books. She’s just too tired.

 

She does make it a point to meet Costia, though if it does more good than harm she’s none the wiser. On the one hand, she knows what happens to Costia if Lexa rejects her; on the other, Lexa is most assuredly not the best company.

 

Costia is good for her though, as good as someone can be when Lexa is almost beyond help. But there’s a reason why she’s her best friend; Costia understands her like very few do.

 

It takes a while, longer than it should have, but Costia and Anya convince her to seek some professional help under threat of calling their parents. It’s probably not the best tactic but it does the job.

 

(Lexa is embarrassed to note that, even at over a century old, she’s still not immune to the whole “I’m calling mom and dad on you” thing her sister does.)

 

The thing is, what exactly is she supposed to say? It’s not like she can just tell the truth and expect the therapist to let her go back home instead of redirecting her towards the nearest psych ward.

 

So, she lies. Or at least gives him the safe version of the truth. She’s not sure how much a therapist can help when she’s not being truthful, but they all have to work with the hands they’ve been dealt with, and she has been dealt with one of the shittiest of them all.

 

It helps. It does, she can't deny it. Her therapist knows she’s lying, though, which she’s actually happy about otherwise she’d think him shitty at his job. But, no matter how many attempts at getting the truth out of her, she just won’t crack, so he leaves her alone after a while, though she knows the subject won’t be dropped that easily. Sneaky little things, shrinks. Helpful, but sneaky.

 

She’s still not one hundred percent okay and she doesn’t know if she’ll ever be, but she gets better on her own rhythm. Some days are harder than others; some days almost make it seem like she’s throwing all her progress out the window, and somedays she is very close to thinking that just putting an end to it herself might make it stop. Then there are days where she’s reminded of what she’s lived through, of how strong she actually is even when it doesn’t feel like it, of how much she can still enjoy. She’s reminded that there is still time to spend with Clarke as well as the rest of her friends and family and that that time is worth all of this.

 

So yes, sometimes at a gallop, other at a snail’s pace, she gets better.


	16. #16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Four chapters posted today cause they're all fairly short :)  
> (And yesterday I posted two, 11 and 12, in case anyone missed it)

She finally manages to convince Clarke to drop everything and travel with her.

 

They set off to Asia on the promise that, six months later, Clarke will return and resume her spot at the hospital. It’s not as long as she’d wish but she can work with it.

 

They haven’t done this yet. Sure, they’ve traveled here and there over the loops, oftentimes even abroad, but not like this. There were always timelines, their vacations always short-lived due to work constraints. This is nice, though. They just go with the flow, deciding on a whim where to go next. It’s really, really good.

 

It’s funny how she’s changed over the years. She was never the person to just pack a bag and go, no destination, no guide. If she ever went somewhere, it would be meticulously planned. She didn’t like surprises, didn’t like not being in control of any aspect of her life. Well, truthfully, she still doesn’t, but she’s changed when it comes to certain things.

 

Whether it’s because she’s gotten used to the craziness that is this thing she’s stuck in, or the fact that she already knows what happens, has already lived through fifteen loops and counting, the fact is that she’s become more relaxed when it comes to just letting go of her tight griped control and just enjoying the moment.

 

(Come to think of it, Anya may have been right when she said Lexa was going on some hippy ‘finding herself’ trip back in loop eight.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now that all that is over and done with, get ready for the heavier stuff as well as longer chapters with much more detail :) hope you enjoy.


	17. #17.1

For the first time in decades, Lexa is completely stymied.

 

She doesn’t understand how, has lived loop after loop, each with its own set of peculiarities, yet _this_ , this is completely new.

 

She’s twenty-five years old and she can practically recite what happens to everyone at this point in the loop.

 

She’s with Costia still, though not for much longer, Clarke is in her last year of medical school, Anya is about to get a promotion for the detective position she’s been gunning for since they were children, Raven has just completed her Ph.D. and was recruited by NASA, Octavia and Lincoln are just about to begin their romance, Lexa is on the fast track to Congress and Costia, Costia is supposed to be teaching a class at the University.

 

Which is why, when Lexa receives a call from Costia telling her she’s in the emergency room, she freezes.

 

Her brain is running through all the facts stored in her memory looking for a reason to explain it while her blood runs cold, her heart speeds to unhealthy levels and her hands start shaking.

 

After more time than she’d care to admit trying to get her shit together, she finally reasons that, if Costia called, it means that she’s relatively okay, and she did sound fine on the phone. Not that Lexa can be too sure because her brain short-circuited after the words ‘crash’ and ‘hospital’, but she can’t let herself get in a state just yet.

 

So she breathes and breathes and by the time she reaches the hospital, she’s still semi-successfully steadying her breaths.

 

She rushes through to the front desk until she’s directed towards a bed behind a curtain and she’s got her arms around Costia so fast that she barely even registers the state she’s in. It’s only after she hears a soft whimper of pain that she slowly lets go and gets a good look at her.

 

Costia looks remarkably okay compared to the images Lexa’s mind had conjured up. There’s just a little bruising on her left cheek and a cast on her left arm and that’s about it.

 

“See? I’m okay, Lex,” Costia tells her with a reassuring smile that has Lexa finally breathing in relief.

 

“What happened?”

 

“Just a small collision. There was a dog on the road, the other guy swerved to avoid hitting it and lost control of his car. Hey, it’s okay. I’m fine, see? Just a broken arm,” Costia tells her firmly after Lexa hisses in concern. “Breathe, Lex, it’s over.”

 

Lexa nods and turns around to try to get herself under control before Costia takes her hand and squeezes it, forcing Lexa to face her again.

 

“I’m glad you’re okay,” Lexa whispers and kisses her softly, a stubborn tear falling down her cheek which Costia gently wipes away.

 

“Oh, she’s here,” comes a voice behind her which makes Lexa freeze in her spot.

 

She knows that voice. She knows it better than anything, waits to hear it with as much longing as she waits to see the face that comes with it.

 

She turns around slowly, afraid her brain is playing tricks on her and then is effectively frozen in shock again.

 

This is definitely _not_ how it goes.

 

It’s too early. There’s still almost a year to go.

 

Still, she’s suspended in her place, mesmerized by the sight of her when she’s only had her memories to rely on for so long, and she’s, once again, struck by how poorly her memories do Clarke justice. She’s just _so beautiful_.

 

“Hey, doc,” Costia’s voice pushes her out of her stupor and Lexa shakes her head slightly and then her impassive mask is in place.

 

“You must be the famous Lexa,” Clarke says with a smile, offers her hand which Lexa takes mechanically.

 

At Lexa’s lack of response, Costia chuckles and says, “She’s still in shock, doc, don’t mind her. She worries.”

 

Clarke laughs and Lexa blinks rapidly before forcing a small smile on her face. She really missed that laugh.

 

“Well, that must mean she really loves you.”

 

“I should hope so,” Costia teases, squeezing Lexa’s hand playfully.

 

Lexa turns to Costia and smiles, unbridled. “I do.”

 

She feels like it should make her feel guilty, proclaiming her love for her ex-girlfriend in front of her current, but it doesn’t. For one, because, at the moment, Costia is her girlfriend and Clarke is only her future. For another, because Clarke has always known Lexa will always have feelings for Costia as her best friend which in no way clash with her love for Clarke. And, finally, because though she does love Costia and always will, she is absolutely, irrevocably, madly _in_ _love_ with Clarke.

 

Still, it is a strange situation. After all this time, the universe continues to throw her in different scenarios.

 

Well, at least it breaks the monotony.

 

“So can I go now, doc?” Costia asks eagerly, clearly fed up with being in the hospital even though it can’t have been that long.

 

“I think so, my attending just has to come check on you to make sure I did a good job.”

 

“You’re a resident?” Lexa finds herself asking, though she knows the answer. She wants her to keep talking, wants to hear that voice she’s been craving for years, want to find an excuse for her to stay a bit longer so Lexa can bask in the sight of her face.

 

Clarke smiles and shakes her head. “Not yet. I’m in my final year of med school, just doing my practicals.”

 

“But she’s good, Lexa, look!” Costia shows her her cast around her wrist and forearm and Clarke brims with pride at the compliment. Lexa smiles, happy to see them getting along already.

 

“Well done, Doctor Griffin,” Lexa tells her with a slight teasing undertone.

 

Clarke raises her brow curiously and tilts her head. “You know my name?”

 

Damn. Almost one hundred and thirty years of this and she’s still making rookie mistakes because she got caught off guard.

 

Lexa fights to keep her face neutral and breathes a sight in relief when she sees her saving grace.

 

“It’s in the ID card on your lanyard.”

 

Clarke looks down and blushes. “Oh. Observant.”

 

“Lexa’s a politician in training,” Costia explains, “It’s basically her job to pay attention to small details like that to charm people over to the dark side.”

 

Clarke laughs and Lexa rolls her eyes, amused. “I don’t think that’s the point, Cos.”

 

“I know, baby, you’ll do great things,” she tells her truthfully with pride in her eyes.

 

Clarke clears her throat softly and both Lexa and Costia turn to look at her. Lexa can feel her cheeks warming from the way Clarke’s eyes settle on them.

 

“I’ll go make sure everything is ready for you to go, okay? I’ll be back with my attending.”

 

“See you soon, hopefully,” Costia waves at her and then turns to Lexa once Clarke has left. “She’s pretty, huh?” she asks with a knowing look.

 

Lexa stutters a bit and blinks in rapid succession until she gets her bearings. “Yes, she is,” she says with a chuckle. Beautiful.

 

Costia smiles and hums appreciatively. “See, not so bad when you have to come to the hospital and get hot doctors treating you.”

 

“I would rather you not make any more trips here,” she tells her seriously, “But yes, it does make it better,” she concedes with a small smile.

 

“Hey,” Costia raises her hand to Lexa’s cheeks and Lexa leans into it seeking comfort. “I’m okay, it was nothing, just a small fracture.”

 

Lexa lowers her gaze and tries to slow down her heartbeat at the memories that flash through her head, images of darkening bruises and burst lips and gunshot wounds.

 

“It could’ve been much worse.”

 

“Could’ve, but it wasn’t. There’s no point in thinking like that, Lex, it only causes you unnecessary stress.”

 

“Concern for your safety is never unnecessary, Cos,” she tells her with finality. She _cannot_ have a repeat of what happened the second time around. She already has to face the torment of losing Clarke again and again, she can’t bear to lose another person she loves.

 

“I know, baby, of course not. But I’ll be as good as new in no time,” she smiles reassuringly.

 

Clarke comes back with another doctor who gives a cursory look at Costia and her chart and then promptly leaves with a few curt instructions to Clarke, his expression never changing from polite, yet detached, interest.

 

“Tough teacher, huh?” Costia asks.

 

Clarke huffs out an exasperated breath. “You have no idea.”

 

“Well, I still think you did great,” Costia smiles as she stands up from the bed. No wonder she’s a great teacher, she can make everyone feel good about themselves with an ease that leaves Lexa in awe.

 

“Thank you. I hope you feel better, Miss Green, and make sure to come back in eight weeks to get the cast removed.”

 

“Will do, doc, there’s no way I’m keeping this on for longer than necessary, I can already feel it itching all over,” Costia exaggerates earning herself a laugh from both Clarke and Lexa.

 

“Bye.”

 

Lexa glances back one more time at Clarke leaving before returning her focus to Costia, her mind trying to multitask her divided attention.

 

She wonders how this change in the timeline will affect the rest of her loop. Will she see Clarke again before the usual time? Will it change much of how their relationship unfolds? Will it be another loop where everything is fucked up again and she doesn’t get to be with Clarke at all? God, she hopes not. She really misses her.

  

* * *

 

 

She finds her legs moving mechanically after Costia practically kicks her out of the house for hovering.

 

(“It’s just a broken arm, Lex! I don’t need to be babied and if I see another bowl of chicken soup in front of me you’ll wish _both_ my arms were broken!”)

 

Pft. Fine.

 

Lexa can totally _not_ hover if that’s what Costia wants. Jeez, excuse her for worrying about her best friend and wanting to make her as comfortable as possible.

 

She stops her eyes form involuntary rolling again in exasperation at her own thoughts and when she realizes where her feet have led her she notices that she’s in a coffee shop that she hasn’t been to in years. For good reason.

 

She usually avoids this coffee shop unless it’s one of those times where she’s feeling particularly down and just needs a glimpse at Clarke. This is Clarke’s coffee shop. It’s where she comes with Lexa after they get together and it’s where Lexa tries not to come to before in case she ruins things unintentionally.

 

And yet, here she is.

 

She figures since she’s here already she might as well stay. They do have good pastries, which is the sole reason Clarke has adopted this as her coffee shop because the coffee is not actually that great. Doesn’t make that much of a difference to Lexa though, she’s more of a tea drinker.

 

Plus, it’s much more likely that them running into each other at the hospital has had a more drastic effect on the timeline than her having coffee at a place where there’s a small chance she might run into Clarke. If she remembers correctly, she’s pretty busy this last year of school and she mostly only comes here on Sundays. And today is Friday, so she thinks she’s good.

 

Well.

 

The universe and whatnot.

 

She takes a sip of her tea, her hands resting comfortably around the mug, the heat feeling nice around her fingers and she hears approaching footsteps.

 

The thing about living her life revolving around only having so much time with the person she loves the most and having to wait so long to see her is that she’s memorized everything there is to memorize about Clarke, not only because she has spent years and years with her, but because she has spent years and years _without_ her, and she never knows when she’ll lose her for good, so she’s absorbed every bit of information she can.

 

Information such as, the exact sound Clarke makes when she walks. So it’s not a surprise when Lexa lifts up her head to see her walking in her direction, though it is somewhat of a surprise to see her here. It’s not Sunday after all.

 

Clarke stops before her table and smiles, making Lexa finally take notice of her own lips and the fact that they are already curled up in a smile she had no control over. It’s just what happens around Clarke.

 

“Hey, Lexa.”

 

“Hello, Doctor Griffin,” she says as she contorts her lips into a small smirk.

 

Clarke rolls her eyes good-naturedly and corrects, “I’m not a doctor yet, it’s just Clarke.”

 

“Clarke. Care to join me?”

 

She doesn’t know why she’s asking. Well, she _does_ , of course she does, but this isn’t like their usual encounters and she should perhaps be more careful. Still, she asks.

 

Clarke’s eyes widen a bit but then she smiles and nods. “Sure. I could use the company.”

 

“Long day at school?”

 

“Luckily no, I was actually at the hospital and the attending let us all go home a bit earlier. But I’ve had the longest week,” she adds with a groan.

 

“At least now you get to decompress a bit,” Lexa tells her sympathetically. She knows how hard Clarke works, how much effort she puts into everything, how much of a toll it takes on her and how much she needs the constant distractions to be able to keep her mind sane.

 

“Yeah, I need this break. I can’t believe the semester has barely started and I’m already this stressed,” she says. Lexa nods in understanding and Clarke places her order when the waitress comes over. “I mean, I _do_ know. It is medical school after all. But I think I’m still allowed to complain.”

 

Lexa chuckles and Clarke’s eyes brighten. “I think you are, Clarke. It is stressful.”

 

“Tell me about it. Sometimes I wish I’d gone with something less stress-inducing. Like art,” she says with a certain wistfulness that Lexa recognizes, though it doesn’t make itself shown very often in future Clarke. She supposes medical student-Clarke is still having to deal with more effort and less reward than doctor-Clarke.

 

“You thought about being an artist?” she asks as if it’s the first time.

 

It’s a curious game she plays, something that Lexa does for her own amusement because, in a life such as hers, she takes every opportunity for pleasure she can get. And this she enjoys doing. She likes asking Clarke the same questions she’s asked before, likes seeing how her responses are mostly always the same, sometimes to the letter and she’ll even find herself saying the words in her head along with her, but she perhaps likes it even more when the responses vary, when little things change or when most of it does. She likes to search for the causes then, think to what changed in the timeline that could’ve caused a different answer, or sometimes it’s just Clarke herself, choosing a different answer to give, choosing a different side of herself to reveal.

 

“Yeah, for a bit. I’ve always liked painting an drawing and I took a few classes in college but…I guess I just like helping people more,” she finishes with a shrug.

 

“Do you still paint?”

 

Clarke nods vehemently and her eyes sparkle like they always do when they talk about art.

 

“Oh yeah, I’d go crazy if I didn’t. It helps me to clear my mind.”

 

“It’s good that you found your stress relief.”

 

“Do you paint?”

 

Lexa stifles a laugh and shakes her head resolutely. “No, you’re the artist out of both of us.” She hears what actually came out of her mouth a bit too late and fumbles to correct herself. “I couldn’t draw even if I wanted to. Stick figures at best, and even those always come out looking like the work of a three-year-old who’s just started to get fine motor skills.”

 

Clarke laughs, her eyes crinkling adorably at the corners and Lexa feels her heart do its little Clarke dance.

 

“I think I need to see that.”

 

Lexa puts on a serious face and motions with her open hand to Clarke who gives her a curious look. “Pen?”

 

“Oh! Yeah,” Clarke retorts, eyes sparkling with mirth as she fumbles through her purse for a pen.

 

The waitress deposits Clarke’s food on the table and Lexa moves it to the side so she has space and pulls out a napkin, looking very focused at Clarke. “Okay. What would you like me to draw? I must warn you beforehand, though, it’ll blow your mind.”

 

Clarke thinks for a minute, her lips pursing exaggeratedly in thought and then she grins mischievously.

 

“Me.”

 

“Oh, come on! I’ll never get even close!” Lexa exclaims in outrage and Clarke’s grin only widens. Lexa huffs out a breath in mock annoyance and gives Clarke her fiercest look. “Game on.”

 

Clarke laughs as she digs into her food and Lexa pretends to be annoyed at her antics, while she concentrates on her “drawing.”

 

“You can try to distract me, Miss Griffin, but it won’t work.”

 

Clarke raises her hands up in surrender and stifles a laugh with a sip of coffee.

 

“Et voilá!” Lexa proudly proclaims after a deliberately long time, turning the napkin for Clarke to see.

 

Clarke bites her lip to stop from laughing and pretends to seriously analyze the drawing with intermittent hums and ‘Ah’s and little thoughtful nods.

 

“See what I did there with the lines?” Lexa asks seriously and Clarke nods with equal poise.

 

“Oh yes, fascinating. The way they flow and link with each other. The strokes. The mix of abstract and surrealism. Absolutely fascinating.”

 

Lexa’s smile grows and grows until it’s a full-on grin and Clarke can’t contain herself any longer and bursts out laughing until there are tears in her eyes.

 

“Oh my god, this is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen in my life, Lexa,” Clarke manages through another fit of laughter, sparring another glance at the mess of lines that are supposed to look like her but resemble more a two-year-old’s attempt at a circle.

 

Lexa nods with a straight face, her smile barely contained. “Oh yes, I think it deserves its own award. Would you like me to frame it for you?”

 

“Definitely,” she nods with mirth in her eyes and Lexa is pleased to see her folding it carefully and placing it in her purse. It always melts her heart a little bit when Clarke does that do one of her abhorrent drawings, but she never fails to do it.

 

“Well, if you’re keeping one of my masterpieces I think it’s only fair I have one of yours,” Lexa tells her with a smirk.

 

“Hmm, I’ll think about it,” Clarke says coyly.

 

“Just letting you know in advance that I won’t take no for an answer.”

 

“Is that so?”

 

“Absolutely. I want a Griffin original at my place.”

 

Clarke smiles brilliantly but then her eyes dull a bit and her smile is not as big or as honest. “Does Costia like art?”

 

Ah. Well this is certainly new. She’s never had Clarke in her life at a time when she is technically not available and she didn’t stop to think about it before they went down this road of looks and smiles that can very quickly turn not so innocent.

 

“She does, actually,” Lexa tells her softly, the reality of the situation making her a bit uncomfortable on Clarke’s behalf. She doesn’t want her to see Lexa as an unavailable woman who flirts with everything with legs, or as someone that she might crush on but has no hope to ever be with. Because she most certainly does. Lexa is Clarke’s, one hundred percent, she’s just temporarily on loan to someone else. She’ll have to fix that soon.

 

“Have you been together for long?”

 

Lexa hums and nods. _Longer than you’d believe_. “Three years.” 

 

Clarke looks down at her mug and plays with the rim. “That’s nice. _She_ is really nice.”

 

“She’s my best friend,” Lexa tells her honestly, a fond smile gracing her lips and Clarke looks at her with a certain wistfulness.

 

It’s a thing Lexa has never had to consider, the effect she has on Clarke. Well, she has, _obviously_ , she knows Clarke loves her, or _will_ love her, more accurately, but she’s never had to wonder how Clarke might react to her if she were in front of her yet seemingly unreachable. She’s never actually stopped to think how much weight their mutual attraction has, the kind of draw she could have on Clarke simply by existing.

 

It’s fascinating, really, because Lexa is drawn to Clarke like no other and this she has known since the first time they met. It would stand to reason that the same could apply to Clarke, but she’d never been sure until now. Clarke’s withdrawal tells her everything she needs to know.

 

Fuck. She really needs to settle things with Costia. _Soon_.

 

“What about you?” Lexa asks her innocently, trying to ascertain if this detail is the same.

 

“Oh, uh, single. Yeah. Med school and all, don’t have time to date.”

 

Lexa nods in understanding, pleased to know the situation won’t be made more confusing with another party involved.

 

“Do you know which field you’re going into?” Lexa asks her, hoping that the change of topic will get rid of the awkwardness that settled between them and knowing this is a topic that gets Clarke going.

 

Sure enough, she begins to talk excitedly about how she wants to focus on trauma and how much she’s looking forward to residency and Lexa is happy to see the glimmer return to her eyes, the way she gets so impassioned making Lexa smile animatedly in return.

 

As far as screwed up timelines, she thinks, this is a pretty good outcome. Things are not ruined, not at all if she’s read the signals right, and she’s not planning on letting them get there.

 

She _will_ have this, she’ll have her time with Clarke, even if she doesn’t get to have it for long before another reset.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you like this new format :) Updates won't be as frequent, though, but at least once or twice a week.
> 
> And just to clarify, there'll be no cheating in this fic!


	18. #17.2

Lexa gets home after work and Costia has just come out of the shower, her curls still dripping with water that she carefully pats to dry without ruining their form.

 

“Hey, did you have a good day?”

 

Lexa nods and smiles gently, leaning over to kiss her on the cheek. “Long.”

 

“Is that proposal still giving you trouble?”

 

“They’re just so blinded but money, you know? It’s frustrating when I know they can see the benefits the bill would bring but they refuse to budge because it won’t make them as much money as the lobbies do.”

 

She releases a groan in frustration and shakes her head to avoid thinking about work. She’s tired of it, it’s been too many years of dealing with the same bullshit, the same power hungry people, and she’s saturated.

 

Costia gives her an understanding smile. “Want me to make you some tea?”

 

“Please,” she says gratefully. “I’ll just shower real quick first.”

 

The shower helps calm her down and settle her resolve. She’s dragged this decision along for a few days now, wanting to postpone the pain, but if she lets it go for much longer she’ll ruin everything. Time to show her bravery.

 

When she goes back to the living room Costia places the tea on the coffee table which she gratefully takes and they settle down on the couch next to each other in soothing silence.

 

Lexa finishes her tea feeling much more in control of her emotions and places it back on the table, turning back to Costia when she rests against the back of the couch.

 

“Hey,” she says as she takes Costia’s hand in hers and strokes it gently. “You know I love you, right?”

 

Costia gives her a small smile and eyes her curiously. “I do. And I love you.”

 

Lexa nods and smiles sadly, her thumb maintaining its strokes over the back of Costia’s hand. “You’re my best friend, Cos.”

 

Costia looks up for a second, her bottom lip trapped beneath her teeth, and when she turns her eyes back to Lexa she can see the added moisture there.

 

“It’s time, huh?” Costia asks her quietly and it breaks Lexa’s heart like it always does.

 

It never seizes to amaze her how Costia always just seems to _know_ , as if she knew all along that they were on borrowed time. And she always responds the same way, strong, loving, hurt, caring. It pains Lexa so much to keep doing this to her every time but it has to happen, they’re meant to love each other, they’re just not meant to be together.

 

Lexa nods and a tear escapes her own eyes, her heart cracking slowly at the hurt she’s causing her best friend. And herself. This hurts them both, it always does.

 

Costia bobs her head up and down, trying to gain control of herself and she lets out a small heartbroken chuckle that digs a knife into Lexa’s own heart. “Yeah. It’s okay, Lex,” Costia tells her gently and Lexa pulls her in for a tight hug, the smell of her shampoo filling her nostrils pleasantly and Lexa tilts her head to pace a kiss on her hair.

 

She also always does this, Lexa notes with sadness. Costia is always trying to comfort her, even when _Lexa_ is the one to hurt her.

 

“I’m sorry, Cos.”

 

“I know. I am too, Lex,” she says as she leans back and pulls away from Lexa, a tear falling down her cheek which Lexa tenderly wipes. “Best friends, right?” Costia asks with a pained smile.

 

Lexa nods and pulls her in for one last gentle kiss on her lips before kissing her on the forehead.

 

“Best friends.”

 

Costia nods and sniffles a little before getting up and caressing Lexa’s cheek with her good hand.

 

“I love you, Lex, don’t ever doubt that, but I’m going to need a little space.”

 

Lexa nods and wipes her own tears. “I understand, Cos. Take as long as you need. I’ll be here.”

 

Costia leans down and kisses her cheek before going back to their bedroom to get her things and that snaps Lexa’s brain back from the haze of sorrow.

 

She’s decided long ago that Costia stays in the apartment, she has another one after all, and this time will be no different.

 

“Hey,” she says as she gets in the room and Costia turns to her inquisitively. “You’re staying, Cos, I’ll go.”

 

Costia gives her a confused look and shakes her head. “This is your apartment, Lexa.”

 

“Please, stay, I have another place,” she pleads, fully conscious that this is always the hardest part for some reason, the one that takes the most convincing. “It’s only fair.”

 

“I can’t make you move out of your own apartment, Lexa.”

 

“You’re not making me,” she tells her firmly. “I’m offering. It will make me feel better. Plus, it’s almost as much mine as it is yours, you’ve lived here for two years,” she adds when Costia begins to shake her head again.

 

Costia looks at her dubiously and Lexa moves to take her hand before she can argue again.

 

“At least stay for a while and if you don’t want to be here anymore then at least you’ll have time to look for something good instead of just crashing on your brother’s couch.”

 

“I…okay, but I’m paying rent,” she relents, and Lexa smiles before placing one final kiss on her cheek and leaving.

 

* * *

 

It’s probably not one of the best ideas she’s had, but Lexa finds herself in Clarke’s coffee shop the following Sunday.

 

One would think that, after a life as long as hers, she would have mastered the art of patience. Truth is, it has perhaps made her more impatient in some cases.

 

Lexa is a patient person by nature, that hasn’t changed, but when it comes to certain situations, i.e., anything involving Clarke, she revolves around a patternless cycle of either waiting for her or seeking her out. There’s no science to it besides her heart.

 

Sometimes she’s just too heartsick to search for her, afraid that a simple glimpse will break her, others she just needs that one look to soothe her heart and give her the strength to wait for just a bit longer.

 

This is neither. She really just wants to test this out, to see how this unusual situation pans out, even if she runs the risk of ruining it. There’s only so much monotony she can take before the boredom kills her, so she decides to chase this new path and see where it may lead, risk be damned.

 

Besides, if it screws everything up, she’ll just relieve it again, so what’s the harm?

 

“You know, I’ve been coming to this coffee shop for years and I’ve never seen you here, yet this is the second time in little over a week.”

 

She looks up to find Clarke smiling coyly, a glint of amusement in her eyes and her own lips lift up into a smile.

 

“They have the best croissants,” Lexa points out as if there would be no other explanation.

 

“They really do,” she agrees. “Waiting for someone?”

 

“No. Would you like to join me?”

 

Clarke looks at her for a second, biting her lip in contemplation before nodding and sitting down. Lexa fights hard to keep her amusement from showing, pretending she doesn’t notice how Clarke’s eyes linger on her or how she looks so conflicted. She’s sure Clarke is fighting a losing battle between desire and conscience.

 

The waitress comes over and takes Clarkes’ order, Lexa getting a refill on her tea, and an awkward silence settles between them. Well, awkward for Clarke, she’s sure, Lexa is heavily amused.

 

“So,” she asks to make Clarke more at ease, “How was your week?”

 

“Awful and awesome,” she replies and Lexa laughs, happy to see Clarke’s eyes shine at her reaction.

 

“How come?”

 

“So much work to do, you wouldn’t believe it,” she says with a groan. “But, I also got to see this super cool case at the ER where this guy shoved a Barbie doll up his anus and when he tried to pull it out it got stuck because her little arms were tearing into the colon and, oh my god, we were all trying so hard to keep a straight face and I almost couldn’t but I did, and then I got to watch the surgery!” she finishes her rant with excitement, her whole demeanor practically vibrating.

 

Lexa laughs heartily and shakes her head in amusement. She’s heard this story before, it’s one of Clarke’s favorites, but it never seizes to entertain her.

 

“You have a funny definition of awesome,” Lexa retorts with a wide grin and Clarke chuckles.

 

“Hey, I got to watch a surgery! That’s _so_ cool!” she says brightly. “And come on, how often do you see people shoving things up their assholes? It was hilarious!” she laughs.

 

“Please tell me you took x-rays?”

 

“What are we, amateurs?” Clarke jokes. “I kind of wanted it framed at my house but I’m told it’s frowned upon,” she finishes with a pout that Lexa wants to kiss away.

 

“I’m glad you’re not allowed, I think it would scar me for life if I ever came across it.”

 

“Try having the image of a middle-aged dude with barbie legs sticking out his hairy butt forever imprinted in your brain!” Clarke retorts. Lexa makes a face in disgust and they both burst out laughing again, any awkwardness long gone now.

 

“Well, now you’ve made my imagination go there so you have to replace it with something pretty,” Lexa tells her with a smirk which makes Clarke blush when her gaze refuses to look anywhere but at those vibrant blue eyes.

 

Clarke clears her throat and looks away, taking a small sip of the coffee now in front of her.

 

“Yes, well. How was your week?” she asks and Lexa smiles and lets her change the subject.

 

“Much the same as it always is. People are selfish and greedy and rarely care about others, but the fight goes on.”

 

“I still don’t get how you like politics,” Clarke tells her, a conversation they’ve had many times before.

 

“I like helping people, Clarke, much the same way you do,” she states. “If I do my job right I get to fight for people who wouldn’t usually have a voice, I get to make sure their needs are met.”

 

“Yeah, I get that, and it’s admirable, but there’s just so much to fight against. All the corruption and the self-interest and power plays. I just couldn’t do it,” Clarke shakes her head slightly.

 

“Which is why we each have our strengths. I don’t think I could ever do what you do.”

 

“Oh come on, you’re smart,” Clarke points out and Lexa smiles but shakes her head.

 

“It’s got nothing to do with intelligence. I just don’t have the stomach to watch people suffer day in and day out, sometimes without being able to do anything about it.”

 

“I knew you were a secret softy,” Clarke teases her lightly.

 

“My secret is out.” Lexa pauses before she says under her breath, “I’m also not the biggest fan of blood,” to which Clarke laughs heartily making Lexa blush in embarrassment.

 

By the time she leaves the coffee shop she feels lighter than she’s felt in years, the realization that she doesn’t actually need to wait another year to be with Clarke making her practically skip with joy.

 

She doesn’t know what this means for them exactly, is not sure if this budding relationship will be one to last as it normally would, but she’s determined to try it out. She wants to make sure that she doesn’t fall into old patterns and instead makes sure to just enjoy what she has while she has it.

 

* * *

 

They’ve been having regular coffee dates every Sunday for weeks now, an unspoken agreement of sorts. They don’t actually stipulate a time or try to ask if the other is coming, they just show up and have breakfast together.

 

Lexa is a fan. It seems Clarke is too because she keeps coming back.

 

Clarke’s just finished telling her another fantastical hospital story and a moment of silence settles between them.

 

Lexa can tell there’s something on Clarke’s mind but she waits her out, wondering what could possibly be keeping her mind in the clouds, a thoughtful look on her face.

 

“Costia came by the hospital this week,” Clarke breaks the silence with a seemingly casual statement. Lexa knows better. She nods and schools her features and waits patiently while Clarke stirs her over-stirred coffee while chewing on her bottom lip. “I thought you’d go with her.”

 

“Why is that?”

 

Clarke gives her a curious look and tilts her head a bit. “Uh, because she’s your girlfriend?”

 

Lexa hums and nods and takes a sip of her tea which she knows is only making Clarke want to jump off her skin with nerves but Lexa’s kind of enjoying herself.

 

So she might have become slightly mean in the past decades? Sue her. She’s got to find her entertainment where she can.

 

“She’s not,” she states nonchalantly.

 

Clarke blinks rapidly and stutters before managing to get out a hoarse “What?”

 

“She’s not my girlfriend anymore,” she repeats, taking an admittedly sick pleasure in the many looks flashing through Clarke’s eyes until she settles on faked indifference.

 

“Oh. Uh, that sucks.”

 

Lexa shrugs. “It’s okay, it was mutual.”

 

“Uhm, can I ask why?”

 

Lexa regards her intently. This she’s never had to do so she’s not sure how any of her possible responses will be taken. Eh, what the hell. She’ll just go for it.

 

“She’s not the one for me.”

 

“ _The one_?” Clarke raises her eyebrow dubiously and Lexa simply nods. “You believe in that?”

 

“Don’t you?”

 

“I’m not sure,” Clarke frowns in thought. “How do you know she’s not the one, then?”

 

“I just do,” Lexa says coyly and Clarke averts her eyes at the intensity of Lexa’s gaze.

 

Clarke mulls over it for a bit and Lexa observes her carefully, curious about this new turn of events.

 

“You two looked really good together, though,” she says with a furrowed brow. “Like you really loved each other.”

 

Lexa smiles and nods. “We do.”

 

“Do?”

 

“It’s not something that just goes away like that, Clarke. She’s my best friend.”

 

“I’m confused,” Clarke tells her after a while of looking at her intently with her lips pursed in thought. “You still love her but you broke up anyway?”

 

“I’ll always love her. Like I said, she’s my best friend. She’s just not the one I’m meant to be with and I’m not the one for her either.”

 

“Oh, uh,” Clarke runs her fingers along the rim of her mug while she digests the information, an adorable look on her face, “Makes sense, I guess,” she says, though she still doesn’t look very convinced.

 

“You’ll get it one day,” Lexa tells her with a reassuring smile. Of this she’s sure. Clarke and Costia are good friends and Clarke’s never been jealous of Lexa’s friendship with her.

 

“I- Yeah. Maybe. I’ve just never had that type of relationship with any of my exes. They’re kind of all douchebags,” she tells her ruefully. “I might have bad taste in partners.”

 

Lexa chuckles at the irony of that statement. Lexa likes to thinks she is the exception to that rule, but it’s funny to hear Clarke talk about her bad choices when Lexa has been, and most probably will be again, one of those choices.

 

“Maybe they just weren’t the right fit,” she tells her.

 

Clarke lifts her eyebrow in challenge. “So you’re saying I just haven’t found ‘the one’ yet?”

 

 _Looking right at her_ , Lexa muses. Instead, she goes with, “You’ll know when you find them.”

 

“How?” Clarke asks with genuine curiosity.

 

“I can’t describe it, Clarke. It might be different for everyone,” she tells her gently, a love declaration to an oblivious partner. “For me, I picture my life with her by my side when I’m ninety-years-old, and I picture my life without her, too.” She clears her throat to get rid of the ball of emotion threatening to choke her and averts her eyes. “If they fit in your picture of the future, if their absence makes you hurt more than anything, you have your answer.”

 

Clarke looks pensive and Lexa takes advantage of her apparent inattentiveness to get a hold on her emotions. Sometimes it all becomes too much for her, all the memories and feelings come crashing at the same time and she almost drowns.

 

The truth is, she hasn’t pictured their future together in a really long time, not until now, that is. It brings too much pain. She thinks she’s gotten good at dealing with these few years that they have together, but she’s given up on thinking about what could come after because, more likely than not, even if she ever does manage to get out of these damned loops, Clarke will not be with her.

 

She’s tried and she’s tried and she will keep trying to save her, but she always fails. She doesn’t know why, she can’t find a reason behind all this, the only constant is that she will inevitably fail in her attempts.

 

“You sound like you’re talking from experience,” Clarke tells her, and Lexa struggles to ascertain the emotions she’s concealing behind those words. She thinks it could be something closely resembling sadness, as if she thinks Lexa could possibly be talking about someone else.

 

Lexa nods slightly and says, “Something like that,” desperately wanting to reassure Clarke, to reach over and take her hand, to kiss her like she’s been dreaming of doing since they met again. Instead, she takes another sip of tea to center herself and stirs the conversation in another direction, afraid that showing her feelings so blatantly might scare Clarke off. She has been accused of being too intense before, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I was away on holidays.
> 
> Fun fact: the Barbie doll story is, unfortunately, very real. There are some images you just can't wipe off your brain and I had to share my pain! ;)


	19. #17.3

Sometimes Lexa is sure she doesn’t give her sister enough credit. The woman is like a bloodhound, the perfect fit for the detective position she so craves and will soon get.

 

She knows this, has known it for long, yet it still manages to always surprise her when Anya’s sixth sense makes its appearance at the most unexpected times.

 

Like now, when she’s being ambushed, because that is really the only adequate word for this situation.

 

“So,” Anya slips in slyly when Lexa’s two glasses of wine in and they’re in the middle of watching an episode of Game of Thrones, one of the few things she doesn’t tire of rewatching even after all these years. “Wanna tell me about this new girl?”

 

“What?” Lexa says distractedly, too focused on the show to pay real attention. First mistake. Never let your guard down around Anya.

 

“The girl you’ve been seeing lately?”

 

And honestly, Anya is the devil impersonate, Lexa is sure. She knows how invested Lexa gets in Game of Thrones and how she lets her guard down when it’s paired with some wine and an overtired brain. The sneaky thing did it on purpose!

 

“Who- There’s no- I’m not seeing anyone, Anya,” she stutters, finally looking away from the TV and paying attention to the precarious situation she’s found herself in.

 

Anya looks at her, unconvinced, her eyebrow raised in mocking.

 

“Right. So the one you’ve been seeing every Sunday morning is just a figment of my imagination?”

 

Lexa pales, racking her brain to try to figure out where Anya got this information. “Yes,” she says weakly.

 

“Uhu. I see. So, blonde, blue eyes, small but curvy, looks at you like you’re a goddess, you look at her like she’s the stars…Doesn’t ring a bell?” Anya asks her with the look of someone who’s taking way too much pleasure in another’s pain.

 

Fuck. _How_?

 

“Hum…” she turns back to the TV and tries to act normal. “No one, really. Just a girl.” She fails. Her voice is squeaky, her cheeks are burning. She’s screwed.

 

“I see, so if I were to join you tomorrow for breakfast, you wouldn’t oppose?”

 

Lexa spins her head back to her in a state of semi-panic. “What? Uh, why would you? Don’t you have work?”

 

Anya smiles deviously. “I can always make a stop there during patrol. A little detour won’t make a difference. I’m sure the food must be good if it keeps you going back…Unless it’s all about the company.”

 

Lexa closes her eyes for a minute and groans, succumbing to her fate.

 

“Fine. I met her at the hospital when Costia had the accident.”

 

“Is she the reason you two broke up?” she asks her with a suspicious frown. Regardless of her initial coldness towards her, Lexa knows Anya likes Costia and she wouldn’t approve of Lexa cheating. Not that Lexa ever would and Anya knows this.

 

“No,” she tells her firmly, which placates her, her features softening and settling for interest. “Costia and I are meant to be friends, that’s all.”

 

Anya nods and smirks, “And this girl?”

 

“What about her?”

 

Anya rolls her eyes in her ‘Don’t be difficult, Lexa’ fashion. “Do you like her?”

 

“Very much so,” Lexa tells her honestly, unwilling to hide her feelings for Clarke more than she has to.

 

Anya looks at her for a long time, quietly sipping her wine in that infuriating way she has which makes Lexa twitch with anticipation as to what’s coming.

 

“I don’t think I’ve seen you this happy in a long time, Lex,” she finally says and Lexa’s smile is unbridled.

 

“Yeah, she’s quite something. I think you’d like her.” Well, she’s sure of it actually, even if they fight like cats and dogs at times. They have a weird relationship, her sister and her girlfriend, but it’s quite something to watch.

 

“So should I drop by tomorrow?” Anya teases her. Lexa throws her a pillow and Anya guffaws.

 

“How’d you find out, anyway?”

 

“A detective never reveals her secrets.”

 

“Good thing you’re not a detective yet,” Lexa teases her, and Anya gets that determined look in her eyes.

 

“Just you wait, little sis. Soon.”

 

Lexa smiles proudly. “I know. How’s the studying going?”

 

Anya groans loudly and leans her head against the back of the couch dramatically. “I can’t wait to get it over with. I can’t see any more books in front of me, they’re infiltrating my dreams!”

 

“You’ll ace it, then,” Lexa tells her sympathetically.

 

“Of course I’ll ace it!” Anya tells her with her usual cockiness, “I’m the best. I just really want it to be over so I can get to the really exciting stuff.”

 

“Tired of handing out parking tickets?” Lexa teases her.

 

“Har har, you know I’ve been off traffic duty for years.”

 

“And have apparently been reassigned to following people around,” she accuses her with narrowed eyes.

 

Anya waves a dismissive hand and gets a handful of popcorn in her mouth. “Totally not how I found out. Now, let's focus on the show, you’ve made me miss half the episode, now we have to rewind.”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes and refuses to acknowledge her jibe while she rewinds and they settle in again.

 

* * *

 

It’s been a couple of months since she’s been down to visit her parents so Lexa lets herself to be convinced by Anya (the need for convincing mostly due to the fact she knows what’s coming, her sister isn’t as sneaky as she thinks) and both of them drive to their hometown the following weekend.

 

It’s a short drive, barely over an hour if there’s no traffic, so they make it there just before lunch, the sun bright and high in the sky.

 

Their parents greet them warmly and they settle around the kitchen like a well-oiled machine, tasks distributed without a thought as they get on with making lunch.

 

Lexa quite likes this one of a kind peace that comes with being home, where the rest of the world just sort of fades away at the door and she’s comforted by the presence of family. The only one missing in the picture is Lincoln.

 

Thinking of which, “Where’s Linc?” she asks, breaking the momentary silence. “I thought he was coming down as well.”

 

Her dad chuckles and shakes his head without raising it from the tomatoes he’s chopping. “He met a girl,” he says as a way of explanation.

 

“You know him,” Mom says, “he’s a fool when he meets a pretty girl.”

 

Anya laughs heartily and gives Lexa a sly look. “He’s not the only one in this family,” making everyone one else laugh along and Lexa’s cheeks burn.

 

She narrows her eyes in a half-hearted glare but Anya just brushes her off, her feet dangling from the counter where she’s propped herself as usual and is of no real help to anyone.

 

“So,” Mom starts and Lexa wants to find a hole to bury herself in. She knows damn well that nothing good comes after a slyly intoned ‘So’. “Is there someone new in your life, Lexa?” she asks nonchalantly as she frets over the stove, as if Anya hadn’t ratted her out yet.

 

“A pretty girl, perhaps?”

 

“One that makes you foolish,” Anya chimes in after their dad and she wants to strangle them all.

 

Lexa lifts up her knife from the onions and points it threateningly at her sister who smiles wolfishly. “Snitch. If you must know, yes.”

 

“That’s it?” Dad questions, disappointed at the prospect of not getting any more information of out her.

 

Lexa rolls her eyes in annoyance but she’s not so secretly amused.

 

“Fine,” she relents after no real fight. There seldom is with her parents, not after all these years. “There’s a girl, she’s beautiful, she’s a medical student, and her name is Clarke.”

 

“Hey, that’s more information than I got!” Anya exclaims, offended.

 

Lexa puts her tongue out and their parents laugh which results in Anya glaring at them.

 

“That’s because they ask me nicely instead of following me around like I’m a suspect.”

 

“Anya,” their mother tuts in that stern voice that Lexa is sure all moms master and still has an effect on grown children.

 

“I did no such thing!” Anya defends and Lexa crosses her arms expectantly, fully aware she’s behaving like the younger sister she is who’s just told on the older one. Anya deserves it. “I just happened to run into them during one of my patrols. It’s not my fault you have eyes for nothing but her when you’re with her and didn’t even notice me waving,” she retorts and Lexa blushes furiously.

 

Their dad laughs and shakes his head at their antics. “Well, at least you’ve found someone, Lexa.”

 

“We’re not actually dating dad, we just have breakfast together.”

 

She’s quite positive that they will date, soon, but she hasn’t found the right time to ask Clarke yet. She’s not sure if Clarke will find it too soon after the end of a three-year relationship.

 

Also, she’s scared that all these changes will make it so something goes wrong, so she’s been more reticent than she would normally be.

 

Anya snorts. “Yeah, breakfast every week for the past two months or so. Pretty sure that’s called dating, little sis.”

 

“Two months?” Mom asks, her perceptive eyes narrowing and Lexa is sure this is where Anya got it from, genetics be damned.

 

“It’s not like that, mom. We just ran into each other at first. As friends,” she adds placatingly. “She knew about Costia.”

 

Her mom nods and turns back to stirring the pots, working her miracle with the spices and leaving the kitchen smelling wonderful. “Have you spoken to Costia?” she asks casually but Lexa sees right through it.

 

This never seizes to make her feel bad, how her relationships affect not just her but her family and friends as well. She knows, logically she knows, that they will all be back in each others’ lives soon, but she still feels guilty for playing this game of ping pong in and out. Introduce them to someone they like, take her aways, introduce her again, take her away again. And repeat. It’s not like they won’t ever speak again, but Costia always takes a bit of time to be comfortable around them again and so Lexa is constantly left in this sore spot of her own making.

 

Honestly, fuck the universe.

 

“Here and there,” she says. “We’re okay, we’re friends. She just needs some time apart.”

 

“And you don’t?” Dad asks curiously.

 

Lexa nods and lies. “Of course. We both do.”

 

She doesn’t. Frankly, the last thing she needs is more time, she’s got too much of it and would gladly give some of it away, most particularly, the waiting time.

 

What she needs is her girlfriend and her best friend and the rest of her friends full time. Alas, the universe is a bitch, and, sadly, not her bitch.

 

“And you, Anya? Meet anyone interesting lately?” Dad asks casually.

 

“What is this, inquisition day?” her sister asks with a glare at both their parents who only look at her with amusement. She rolls her eyes and leans back against the wall. “Sure, lots of someones,” she smirks.

 

“Spare us the details, yongon,” Mom chides, and Dad winces in displeasure at the thought.

 

“Anya, having someone special in your life is a good thing.”

 

“I just can’t see myself with anyone, dad, no one sparks my interest,” she says with a shrug.

 

Lexa smiles at her own private joke. She knows just how smitten Anya will be when she meets Raven.

 

“Enough about our love lives, you old saps,” Lexa teases them and Anya sends her a grateful look. “Anya’s exam is in two days, shall we start placing bets?”

 

Everybody chuckles and Anya is the first one to pull out a fifty and slap it dramatically on the island top.

 

“Ninety-five or above.”

 

“Ha, you wish! Eighty-five to ninety,” Lexa says just to mess with her.

 

She obviously knows how much she’ll get but she finds that making Anya have something to prove always makes her perform better. They’re a competitive bunch.

 

“I believe in you, Anya,” Dad says with a proud smile. “Ninety to ninety-five.”

 

“Ninety-six,” Mom states with conviction and Anya beams.

 

“Quite specific, mom, don’t you want a little wiggle room in case she flunks? We still have the lower eighties available,” Lexa teases and Anya punches her. She’s going to lose an arm one of these days with the strength her sister puts in those.

 

“Piss off. Mom’s got my back. Be ready to lose, Lexi-loo.”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes but laughs along with their parents and, as soon as lunch is done, they happily dig in.

 

* * *

 

She still doesn’t understand how she gets so nervous when it comes to this but, the fact is, she does.

 

It’s not always a tornado, swirling and swirling in her stomach, sometimes it’s just little butterflies flying around in disarray, but it’s always something.

 

She’s made up her mind though (under heavy threat of bodily harm and perpetual embarrassment from Anya, but still) and she’s going to ask Clarke out on a date.

 

The thing is, she usually knows the answer because the circumstances almost always repeat themselves. Not this time though, hence the tornado in her stomach. It kind of feels like the first time she did it, except that this has the added pressure of her knowing exactly what she’ll be missing out on if the answer is not in her favor.

 

But, she’s come this far so all she has to do now is suck it up and be brave. Consolation price: if she fucks it up, she’ll just get a redo. At least there’s a benefit to this whole bullshit.

 

She’s waiting for Clarke at their usual table because they are both idiots who haven’t exchanged numbers yet after over two months of regular coffee dates. Coffee encounters? Regular breakfasts? Anyway, they’re both idiots and it’s not like Lexa doesn’t know her number by heart, that would be ridiculous after almost a century and a half, but Clarke doesn’t know she knows it, and she doesn’t want to come across as a creepy stalker.

 

She’s already halfway through her tea when Clarke comes rushing in through the door with an apologetic look on her face.

 

“Shit, I’m so sorry I’m late. I stayed up studying till late and then I was so tired I just slept through my alarm and then I practically ran all the way here,” she rapid-fires as she pulls out her chair and sits.

 

Lexa looks on with amusement and places her hand on top of Clarke’s to steady her.

 

“It’s okay, relax. It’s not like we set up a time or anything. Or said that we’d meet here for that matter.”

 

“I know, I know, it’s just that we always do and then I didn’t have your number to tell you I’d be late and I didn’t want you to leave and think I stood you up.” Lexa smiles reassuring and Clarke finally takes a deep breath and leans back against the chair. “Hi.”

 

“Hello, Clarke. I’m glad you made it.”

 

Clarke smiles bashfully and Lexa’s heart decides it wants to become a dancer. “Me too.”

 

“I think I know how to avoid this panic for next time.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

Lexa nods. “It’s quite simple, really,” she says as she pulls out her phone and hands it to Clarke who takes the hint and grins as she inserts her number and passes the phone back. Lexa calls her, and Clarke saves her number. “See? Easy. Now, coffee?” she asks as she already signaling the waitress.

 

“Please, I’m in desperate need.”

 

“Big test coming up?”

 

“Midterms,” Clarke assents with a miserable expression.

 

“You’ll do great, I’m sure.”

 

“Sure, but I might not make it out alive.”

 

Lexa chuckles and delights herself in watching Clarke relax as she steals some of Lexa’s croissant while she waits for her order, a twinkle in her eyes as she talks about her week.

 

Clarke hums contently after she finishes her second coffee (it’s such a habit that the waitress doesn’t even ask anymore before she brings her refill) and Lexa looks at her curiously.

 

“What?”

 

“Nothing, I’m just finally feeling relaxed,” Clarke tells her.

 

Lexa smiles, pleased to know she still (or, rather, once again) has that effect on her. “I’m glad.”

 

“This is my favorite part of the week,” she admits with a blush, averting her eyes.

 

“Mine too,” Lexa tells her, taking her hand once more, only this time it’s an intimate gesture compared to the first time where it was just a calming one. Both feel equally elating though, and both bring back thousands of memories of her repeating the same gesture.

 

Clarke looks up and her eyes fill up with joy and hope and Lexa knows this is the moment to just be brave and go for it. This is not one of those moments where one could say she’s got nothing to lose, precisely the opposite, in fact, she has everything to lose, but she’s willing to risk it.

 

She decides to just out and say it, no beating around the bush.

 

“Do you want to go out with me sometime?”

 

Clarke looks at her intently, as if to make sure she heard the words right and she’s not misconstruing anything.

 

“Like, out on a date?”

 

Lexa smirks. “Precisely a date.”

 

“Yes,” Clarke says vehemently, her head bobbing up and down and a huge grin on her beautiful face, her eyes shining with excitement.

 

Lexa beams. “Great. Friday?”

 

Clarke nods, “Sure, works for me.”

 

“Good, it’s a date,” Lexa tells her with a smile. “I’ll call you, okay?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I have to go now, my sister passed her detective exam and we’re celebrating at our parents’. My mom won the bet on her mark and I’m sure she’ll be even more insufferable than Anya.”

 

“Oh, that’s amazing! Yeah, go, I’ll talk to you later,” Clarke says, a dazed smile still gracing her features making Lexa’s heart melt at the look of wonder on her face.

 

Lexa gets up and ponders for a second before deciding to just go for it. She places a quick yet tender kiss on Clarke’s cheek before leaving, her body trembling with excitement after being starved of that type of contact for five agonizing years.

 

“Bye, Clarke.”

 

“Bye, Lexa.”


	20. #17.4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter earns the M rating, just skip when it gets steamier if it's not your thing, but it's not explicit. Hope you like it :)

“What do you think?” Lexa asks her nervously.

 

There shouldn’t be any reason for her nerves, one would think, yet here they are, apparently with a mind of their own.

 

Clarke is still looking a bit dazed, her mouth slightly parted. She looks really beautiful and Lexa takes another moment to gaze at her, how her simple black dress hugs her curves sensually, a low v-cut showing just the right amount of cleavage, how a slight shiver runs through her body, and she’s immediately grateful for having remembered to bring extra blankets to ward of the early autumn chill.

 

“Clarke?” Lexa prompts again, and Clarke finally turns to her, shaking her head out of the daze and sending her an apologetic smile.

 

“It’s beautiful, Lexa,” she says in wonder.

 

“I’m glad you like it,” Lexa smiles. “I thought after the week you’ve had you’d appreciate this better than a busy atmosphere.

 

Clarke nods and looks around once again, her eyes hungrily taking in the simple yet beautiful rooftop garden with fairy lights spread all around. Lexa has to agree, it is quite a sight, even for her who’s seen it countless times.

 

“It’s breathtaking,” Clarke whispers. “I can’t believe you have this on your rooftop.”

 

“The garden came with the building,” Lexa explains, “Apparently some previous tenant was a landscape architect and they built this. It was one of the biggest selling points for the apartment for me.”

 

“It’s amazing,” Clarke says with a smile. “I would just spend all my time up here if I were you.”

 

 _You will_ , Lexa muses. Clarke loves to draw here, she can spend hours lost in her art and not even realize the time passing until Lexa has to make her way up here to fetch her or bring her food.

 

“Hungry?”

 

Clarke nods vigorously. “Starving,” she says, causing Lexa to chuckle.

 

“Come,” she points with her head and raises her hand which Clarke takes, the feeling more familiar than she could say, though she’s been far too long without it.

 

They settle down on the (probably excessive) mountain of pillows Lexa laid out on top of a blanket and Lexa reaches into the picnic basket and hands Clarke her food before getting her own.

 

Lexa’s lips lift in amusement as Clarke’s eyes open wide when she looks at the food.

 

“Oh my god! This is my favorite!” she says excitedly, immediately taking an eager bite of her lasagna.

 

“Is it?” Lexa fakes ignorance and fights to hide a grin, “I guess I got lucky.”

 

“Definitely! And from this exact place, too. I don’t know what it is but I’m sure they have a secret ingredient.”

 

Lexa chuckles and takes a bite of her food as well. “It’s one of my favorite Italian restaurants, actually. I often get take away when I’m too tired to cook. Not that that’s why I got it today,” she hastily adds, “I just thought it could be something you’d like.”

 

It's also a place that she visits constantly over the years when she's missing Clarke and wants to revisit some of the memories the smell and taste of the food bring her.

 

And a place she fervently avoids when she misses Clarke just so much that any reminder of her hurts.

 

“You thought very right,” Clarke says with a smile as she happily digs into the lasagna.

 

“Wine?”

 

Clarke nods. “Please.”

 

“So what do you usually do after midterms?” Lexa asks her.

 

“Party like crazy for the night and then regret my life choices for the rest of the week,” Clarke says with a self-deprecating laugh.

 

“So I’m breaking your routine?” Lexa asks with a smirk.

 

“In a good way, my brain and liver cells thank you,” she says. “As does the rest of my body. This, relaxing, is what I usually crave but I always end up caving and going to parties with my friends.”

 

“Happy to take care of your body’s needs,” Lexa says smoothly and is happy to see Clarke’s cheeks flush prettily in the soothing lights.

 

“Just my body?” Clarke challenges.

 

Lexa’s smirk turns into a genuine smile. “All of you.”

 

Clarke’s eyes brighten. “Good to know.”

 

“So,” Lexa starts in a light teasing tone, “Tell me about yourself, Clarke Griffin.”

 

It elicits a laugh from Clarke who takes another gulp of her wine before setting down the glass next to her.

 

“You ask as if we haven’t been having breakfast every week for over two months.”

 

Lexa shrugs. “Humor me.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes playfully but smiles and leans back against the mountain of pillows behind her.

 

“Okay. Let me see. I was born here in DC, only child, my mom was super busy, you know, doctor and whatnot, but she always made whatever time she had with me count. My dad was also busy but not as much and we liked to watch football games together,” she says with a wistful smile.

 

Lexa quirks her brow teasingly. “Football?”

 

Clarke nods. “Ask me anything about the major league and I’ve got your answers,” she says with a smirk.

 

“What else?” Lexa prompts.

 

“Had a pet turtle when I was a kid," she continues with a wicked grin, pausing to get another bite of her food. "And seeing as I fancied myself an artist I thought it'd be a good idea to paint its shell. Poor thing was like a crawling rainbow," she chuckles.

 

Lexa's heart soars as it always does when she listens to these fond childhood memories, her mind conjuring up images from the pictures of Clarke she's seen.

 

"I had a pretty happy childhood actually," Clarke concludes with a wistful smile that quickly turns grim. "Well, until my dad died when I was seventeen. It was a work accident. I took it hard.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Lexa says softly, caressing her hand.

 

Clarke shakes her head and smiles sadly. “It’s okay. It was a long time ago. And that’s too heavy for first date material so let’s change topics,” she adds with a dismissive wave of her hand. “Your turn.”

 

“What would you like to know?” Lexa asks coyly and Clarke rolls her eyes in a very Anya fashion.

 

“Don’t be difficult, Lexa.” Yes, definitely like Anya which is particularly hilarious because they haven’t even met yet. “I want to know everything,” she says with eager eyes.

 

Lexa chuckles and pretends to think long and hard until Clarke shoves her lightly on the shoulder and they both let out a laugh.

 

“Okay, okay, no violence," she taunts. "I lived most of my life in a small town just outside of DC; my sister is the bane of my existence but I’d do anything for her, though you’re not allowed to tell her that,” she adds with mock seriousness. “She must forever be convinced Lincoln is my favorite.”

 

Clarke laughs and asks, “And Lincoln is?”

 

“Our cousin, but he’s basically our brother. My parents died when we were young,” she tells her, and this is something that never gets easier to talk about, though the comfort of Clarke’s thumb rubbing circles around the back of her hand helps. “I was only five and Anya was eight. She’d already lost her mother before that. Same dad, different moms,” she explains at Clarke’s confused look. “We went to live with our uncle and his wife, Lincoln’s parents. We call them mom and dad though,” she adds with a shrug. “They’re our parents.”

 

“So did little Lexa always want to be a politician?” Clarke asks and Lexa squeezes her hand, grateful for the change of topic.

 

“Oh yes,” she says seriously. “I knew I’d be president one day, I wrote my victory speech and everything. I was a very determined child.”

 

Clarke’s eyes shine with mirth and Lexa smiles brightly in return. “I think you still are. Still wanna be president?”

 

Lexa nods. “That’s the goal, it’s what I work my ass off for.”

 

“I could make some remark about what a nice ass it is but I think I should leave that for a later date,” Clarke says coyly and Lexa smirks.

 

“I’m happy to take compliments at any time, Clarke.”

 

“Oh, are you fishing now? Come on, Lexa, a woman who looks like you shouldn’t have to resort to that,” she teases her.

 

“You’re right. I should hand them out instead,” she says, locking her eyes with Clarke’s, pleased to see her cheeks getting dark. “You look absolutely stunning tonight, Clarke.”

 

Clarke blushes even more and gives her a small, please smile. “Thank you.”

 

Lexa looks at her intently, her desire rising by the second and her ability to control herself inversely declining. She’s pretty sure she recognizes the look in Clarke’s eyes, is positive she knows why she’s running her tongue lightly over her lower lip, biting it gently. Something still nags at her to hold back, though, nerves perhaps, so she lets the moment linger, their eyes burning, a heaviness in the air.

 

 _Fuck it_ , Lexa thinks, before she throws caution to the wind and claims the lips she’s been craving for over five years.

 

The kiss is soft at first, gentle in a way that makes Lexa’s heart soar, in a way she’s been needing for so long. Even though it’s technically Clarkes’ first kiss with her, their lips mold with undeniable familiarity, Lexa gently nibbling and sucking on her bottom lip until Clarke has had enough and runs the tip of her tongue over Lexa’s lips, deepening the kiss, their tongues meeting with reverent recognition.

 

Lexa’s body is electric, her skin burning with need and her heart on the brink of exploding with so many feelings she’s forced to repress. She wants it all. She _wants_ her girlfriend, all of her, and she wants to give herself fully in return. Yet, she must not. Not yet, at least.

 

She breaks off the kiss with less gentleness than she would’ve liked and takes a ragged breath to steady herself, her forehead leaning against Clarke’s in her body’s search for an anchor.

 

Clarke’s eyes are blown wide, her breathing coming in pants as well, and her hand, which somehow ended up on Lexa’s waist, is slightly shaking.

 

“Wow,” she mutters in a daze and Lexa chuckles, finally recovering from the onslaught of feelings.

 

“Yeah,” she whispers, looking from Clarke’s eyes to her lips in rapid succession and, unable to resist, she goes in for another kiss.

 

She’s more grounded now, Clarke has the uncanny ability to both ground her and make her lose control, but, after taking the first sip like a thirsty man in a desert, Lexa is more able to center herself. Her hands explore Clarke’s body with the lightest of touches, touches which she knows drive Clarke crazy and would usually result in the demand for more. Now though, Lexa takes it slow and she’s sure Clarke won’t ask for more, not today at least, not until she’s more comfortable.

 

Clarke’s own hands settle more firmly around Lexa’s waist, her fingers rubbing mindless patterns which make her shiver with delight. It’s curious, relying only on her instinct, Clarke always finds Lexa’s sensitive spot. Always. It drives her crazy, especially when she’s trying to _not_ jump her girlfriend right there because she’s technically not her girlfriend just yet.

 

“Yeah, okay,” Clarke says while she places soft kisses on Lexa's lips, “I kinda wanted to do that since we ran into each other.”

 

Lexa chuckles. “Only ‘kinda’?”

 

Lexa’s wanted to do it since she saw her. The first time, back in the original version. She hasn’t stopped wanting to do it since.

 

“Definitely,” Clarke says as she pulls her in for a more fervent kiss.

 

Lexa pulls back after a while, struggling to get her breathing and her body under control, her hands, in particular, seem to want to run wild.

 

“You can’t keep doing that,” she tells Clarke.

 

“What?” she asks with fake innocence.

 

Lexa smirks. How she missed this coy side of Clarke, fully aware of the effect she has on Lexa.

 

“That,” she points out after Clarke kisses her once more. “You’re way too sexy and when you keep kissing me like that you make it very hard to resist you.”

 

“And who says you have to resist?” Clarke says in a sinfully husky voice, her eyes dancing hungrily over Lexa’s face.

 

Fuck if she knows.

 

Lexa takes that as permission and pulls Clarke to her feet, pulling her in with an arm around her waist and another on her cheek and kissing her passionately. Clarke moans and Lexa finds it exceedingly hard to stop herself from just throwing caution to the wind and taking her right there.

 

She still has enough control over her brain to pull back and take Clarke’s hand, their fingers intertwined and she leads them back to her apartment.

 

“The things?” Clarke asks without actually stopping.

 

“Later,” Lexa replies. “They won’t go anywhere.”

 

Clarke chuckles and they make their way to the elevator, their kisses increasing in desperation as they descend and enter her apartment.

 

As soon as she shuts the door behind them she finds herself pinned to the door with Clarke hungrily attacking her lips once more and Lexa doesn’t try to stop her roaming hands this time, running them up and down her body firmly, desperate for more contact.

 

She breaks off the kiss and leans her neck to the side, which Clarke takes full advantage of and starts kissing and nibbling and sucking, driving moans from Lexa and making it hard for her fingers to work properly. She still manages to unzip Clarke’s dress and looks in wonder as it slides down to the floor, Clarke taking one step back to get off it completely and giving Lexa an even better view. She’s wearing Lexa’s favorite lingerie, a lacy set which cups her breast perfectly and makes her cleavage even more appealing and Lexa struggles not to dive right in.

 

Clarke smirks smugly and then pulls Lexa back with her, slowly lowering Lexa’s dress straps as they move into the apartment. Lexa takes the lead toward her bedroom ( _their_ bedroom) and by the time she gets there her own dress is falling down to her hips and she gets it off in no time. Clarke looks at her appraisingly and it’s Lexa’s turn to smirk at the hunger in Clarke’s eyes before she pulls her into another kiss which Clarke eagerly joins. 

 

Between moans and groping hands, Lexa soon finds herself pushed back onto the bed while Clarke climbs in on top of her and Lexa can't help but smirk with amusement. It’s always a toss-up between them, and she likes to place bets with herself as to who will end up on top first. She wins, unsurprisingly; Clarke has practically been drooling over her since they met in this loop.

 

Lexa’s smirk quickly dissipates when Clarke starts making her way down her neck with more open-mouthed kisses and licks and nibbles and Lexa is a moaning mess. Fuck. Clarke is really good at finding all her weak spots.

 

Clarke loses patience fast and unhooks Lexa’s bra, taking in her breasts greedily and wasting no time in running her tongue around them until she’s sucking on a nipple and then repeating the process with the other one. Lexa bites her lip to hold back a moan as she struggles to reach around Clarke and unhook her own bra, desperately wanting to feel her breasts on her.

 

Clarke smirks while Lexa caresses her breasts and runs her fingers down Lexa’s abdomen making her shiver. She looks at Lexa when the tips of her fingers reach her panties and dance around maddeningly.

 

“Can I?” she husks and Lexa nods fervently.

 

It’s all the incentive she needs before she’s gotten Lexa naked underneath her.

 

“Fuck. You’re beautiful,” Clarke whispers reverently and Lexa smiles, never tiring of that look in her lover’s eyes.

 

Lexa pulls her in for a kiss and they both moan at the contact of their bodies pressed together. It's a passionate mess of lips and tongue and teeth and Lexa's skin is burning with every touch of Clarke's body on hers.

 

Her heart is warming up so much it feels like a furnace inside her chest. She's missed this so much. She missed _Clarke_ so much, to be able to touch her, feel her, kiss her, everything. It always drives her to the limit when she finally gets that first kiss, that first touch after waiting for so long.

 

In a sudden movement that draws a squeak of surprise form Clarke, Lexa flips them over until she has Clarke underneath her and she wastes no time showing her just how much she missed her.

 

How much she loves her.

 

She divests Clarke of the rest of her clothing and the first contact between their naked bodies makes her shudder with relief. It's like coming home; _finally_ , after so long, she's in her lover's arms once again, and she could weep with the way her heart is soaring in contentment.

 

She almost lets "I missed you" slip from her lips so she decides to put them to good use as she places kisses all over Clarke's body, runs her tongue up and down, tasting her and making her shiver with delight.

 

It's an effort to tone it down, to try to reign in the amount of love threatening to overflow her heart. She doesn't want to scare Clarke off, not again, but she's sure she's got love coming out her eyeballs so she closes her eyes and feels.

 

She finds Clarke's center scorching and dripping and when she enters her, Clarke practically whimpers. Lexa can't help but open her eyes then and the vision she's given almost takes her breath away. Clarke is just _so_ beautiful, and, like this, wanting and blissful, she's breathtaking. So she says it because she just can't _not_ , and she kisses her again and again while she slides in and out and rubs her clit until she feels Clarke come undone underneath her, her whole body vibrating and tensing until it snaps and they're melded perfectly to each other.


	21. #17.5

Lexa is about to start throwing people off balconies in frustration when there’s a knock on her door. After she calls out her permission, a familiar head pops in with that distinctive smile and Lexa’s mood is instantly uplifted.

 

“Hey,” she exhales softly, her own lips curving in their usual smile as she steps from behind her desk and heads over to Costia, giving her a hug. “Missed you,” she whispers into her ear and Costia hugs her tighter.

 

“Missed you too, Lex.”

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“Apparently saving you from jail with the murderous look you had going on before you saw it was me,” Costia teases her but her eyes crinkle with concern and Lexa realizes just how much these separations take a toll on her. On _them_. Almost three months apart from her best friend’s constant calming presence and Lexa’s nerves are frayed.

 

“They’re trying to drive me insane, but I’ll show them just who’s in charge,” she assures her and Costia chuckles.

 

“That’s right, commander. Do you wanna go have lunch? Clear your mind a bit?”

 

Lexa nods, a pleased smile on her lips, and Costia breathes out in relief, her features visibly relaxing. Lexa knows just how much this must be hard for her, trying to build a friendship without the romance. It was hard for Lexa too, once upon almost one hundred and thirty years ago, now it’s just as familiar as breathing.

 

They head over to Lexa’s favorite work-lunch restaurant just a few blocks away, easy chatter flowing between them and Lexa brightens as Costia becomes more and more comfortable around her.

 

“So,” Costia says halfway through their main course, dragging out the word and Lexa chuckles with amusement as she just knows what’s about to come out of her mouth. “When were you gonna tell me about your girlfriend?”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes, pleased to note that Costia’s face is mostly amused, with only the slight bit of pain crinkling her eyes. She’s _trying_ , and trying is the best Lexa can ever ask of her.

 

“She’s not my girlfriend.”

 

“Yet,” Costia retorts, echoing Lexa’s thought and she can’t help but smirk.

 

“Yes, well. Who told you? Anya? Mom?” she asks her, curious to know who beat the other to the punch. It’s usually one of those two when it’s not Lexa herself.

 

Costia laughs airily. “Gustus. Now spill.”

 

Lexa’s eyes widen in shock. “Dad? When did he become part of the gossip mill? And there’s nothing to spill, we’re just going on dates.”

 

“He called to check up on me, asked me how I was handling you dating someone else,” Costia says with a pointed look that is intended to make Lexa feel bad for not telling her herself and serves its purpose. Lexa lowers her head in shame and Costia asks, “Who is it?”

 

“If this is supposed to be evidence that you’re his favorite, you’ve succeeded, he never asks me how I’m doing” Lexa chimes in with a pout and Costia smirks smugly.

 

“You know I am. And you’re doing a poor job at avoiding my questions,” she tells her with an expectant raised brow.

 

“I’m not avoiding anything,” she deflects with a quirk of her lips. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, Cos, I guess I was waiting till we make it official.”

 

Costia gives her a hard look which makes Lexa feel even more guilty.

 

“We’re best friends, right? You should tell me these things. It hurts me a lot more when you don’t under some misguided belief that you’re sparing my feelings,” she adds in a softer note which still delivers her point mercilessly.

 

“I know,” Lexa acquiesces taking her hand which Costia squeezes back in reassurance.

 

“I want you to be happy, Lex. I want you to love again even if it’s not me you love.”

 

“I’ll always love you,” Lexa contests firmly and Costia smiles sadly in return.

 

“I know, I meant romantically. So who is it? Don’t think I’ll give up without all the details,” she adds more lightly and Lexa can’t help but chuckle.

 

“Clarke,” Lexa says with a soft smile.

 

Costia looks thoughtful and Lexa is sure she’s trying to place the name until recognition flashes in her face and her eyes brighten.

 

“The doctor?” she asks, surprised, and then laughs heartily when Lexa nods. “I so knew she was your type! I saw how flustered you got at the hospital,” she teases her and Lexa blushes furiously.

 

“She’s pretty, okay?” she says as if that’s all there was to it and Costia laughs even harder.

 

“She’s gorgeous,” she nods in agreement. “And she loves you back?” she asks with a soft smile.

 

Lexa exhales softly and shakes her head, bemused at Costia’s perceptiveness. “Who said anything about love?” she tries, and most assuredly fails, to deny.

 

Costia just gives her the look. “I know that look on your face, Lex, don’t play dumb with me.”

 

Lexa looks down bashfully. “I don’t think she does yet, but it’s heading that way,” she acquiesces with a small please smile, aware that there’s no point in trying to spare Costia’s feelings.

 

“Good. So when am I meeting her?”

 

“You already know her,” Lexa points out, amused. Costia just rolls her eyes.

 

“Yeah, no shit. I meat when do I get properly introduced. I need to do the whole best friend vetting thing. There’s no way she’s getting out of it,” she grins mischievously.

 

Lexa groans. “No way! I am not letting neither you nor Anya anywhere near her for that conversation,” she says resolutely and Costia just laughs at her.

 

“Nice try. You have no chance against the two of us, Woods.”

 

“I know,” Lexa mumbles miserably. “You’re lucky I like you.”

 

“You more than like me,” Costia smirks. “Now quit being difficult and tell me everything about her.”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes but starts talking anyway, happy to see the pain in Costia’s eyes slowly fading away.

 

* * *

 

Lexa is lying in bed, sheets haphazardly thrown around her, her hair tousled as she struggles not to let the pleasure overtake her, Clarke’s body a pleasant weight on top of her to which she holds on greedily as Clarke’s fingers work her up towards release.

 

She’s _this_ close to an orgasm when she hears the front door open and her sister’s voice yelling out for her and she wishes for nothing more at that moment than for the ground to open up and swallow Anya whole.

 

Clarke stops suddenly, frozen on top of her, fingers still inside, with a look torn between amusement and embarrassment and Lexa shuffles quickly to cover them up while she yells at her sister.

 

“What the fuck, Anya? Don’t you dare come in here!”

 

“No worries, I have no intentions of being scarred for life, little sis, and I need no further confirmation that you’re a total bottom!”

 

“Am not!” Lexa sputters, outraged, and Clarke bursts out laughing, not even looking mildly intimidated with Lexa’s glare. “You shut up, you know very well that’s not true,” she whispers furiously to Clarke who only smirks.

 

“Maybe not always, but it is right now.”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes and decides that she better put something on since Anya shows no intentions of leaving. She quickly gets dressed and heads out of the room toward her sister, careful to close the previously open door to her room.

 

“What the hell are you doing here,” she hisses and Anya only looks at her in amusement.

 

Why is no one intimidated by her anymore?

 

“You have a party to attend, remember?”

 

“In an hour,” she points out bitterly, head motioning to her room with the very naked, very sexy blonde in her bed. “Kind of busy at the moment. Thanks for the interruption, by the way, I was in the middle of something.”

 

Anya smirks wolfishly. “Oh, I heard,” she says, making Lexa’s cheeks blush wildly.

 

“Then why the hell did you think you should interrupt us?”

 

“Because you’re coming to the party,” she says, arms crossed begging for Lexa to try to argue with her. “You are not getting out of it, little sis. You promised me you’d be there with your new girl so I’m making sure you keep your promises and don’t pull a politician on me.”

 

Lexa glares at her harder. “I don’t need a babysitter, An, I told you I’d be there.”

 

“And I’m just keeping you to your word,” she smirks and promptly settles herself down on the couch leaving Lexa fuming with frustration (most of it, admittedly, sexual).

 

“You’re a little shit, you know that?” Anya just laughs while Lexa stomps off to her room.

 

“So I take it we’ll have to finish this at another time,” Clarke asks from where she’s still lying on the bed, completely naked to add to Lexa’s demise.

 

Lexa groans and nods, meanwhile she’s unable to resist and crawls up the bed to place a few passionate kisses on Clarke’s lips. She gets a bit carried away and reluctantly pulls back, heavily panting and pecking Clarke one final time.

 

“My sister’s an asshole,” she concludes.

 

“So we better get dressed, huh?”

 

“Yeah,” Lexa pouts miserably.

 

Clarke clears her throat pointedly and smirks while she looks at Lexa’s hands. Lexa blushes and mumbles an apology, removing her hands from Clarke’s breasts.

 

They shower quickly and get dressed, and Lexa notes Clarke is taking more care than usual with her appearance, running her fingers obsessively over her hair in front of the mirror and constantly readjusting her blouse.

 

“You look stunning,” she reassures her, settling in behind her and resting her hands on her hips.

 

“I’m just nervous,” Clarke tells her quietly, avoiding her eyes in the mirror.

 

“I know, but they’ll love you,” she says and plants a kiss on Clarke’s neck making her shiver.

 

“I just wasn’t prepared to meet you sister straight away,” Clarke confesses. “I thought I’d have everyone else at the party as a buffer.”

 

Lexa turns Clarke around in her arms and kisses her lightly. “My sister is a cunning asshole but she just wants the best for me. And you’re the best,” she reassures her with a smile.

 

Clarke takes a shaky breath and gives Lexa a quick kiss, then another and then she pulls away, glancing at her reflexion one last time before she takes Lexa’s hand in hers.

 

“Okay. Let’s do this.”

 

Lexa smiles brightly and leads the way.

 

Anya hears their footsteps and leisurely gets up from the couch to give Clarke an appraising look. Lexa feels Clarke tense under her scrutiny and squeezes her hand in reassurance.

 

“Anya, this is Clarke. Clarke, my annoying, and with the worst timing _ever_ , sister.”

 

Anya raises a brow in challenge and crosses her arms over her chest, effectively stopping any possible attempt from Clarke to shake her hand in greeting.

 

“Nice to meet you,” Clarke tells her.

 

“That remains to be seen,” Anya tells her with narrowed eyes and Lexa glares at her. Anya just shrugs her shoulders and smirks while Clarke shuffles nervously.

 

“Let’s go,” Lexa states before things get even more awkward.

 

For fuck's sake.

 

This loop is really throwing her into unexpected situations. In all previous ones but two, Anya had always met Clarke first and they were already friends by the time Lexa came along, and in the other two, there had been none of this. Sure, Anya is always a little shit, but this time she’s pushing it. Lexa just wants to punch her.

 

Alas, she must restrain herself. 

 

Luckily they drive in separate cars and Clarke relaxes a bit next to her on the drive over to Anya’s, though her hands are still clenching and unclenching in her lap.

 

Lexa puts her hand on hers to stop the movements and Clarke smiles shakily.

 

“She hates me,” she states.

 

“She doesn’t even know you,” Lexa points out.

 

“And yet she still hates me.”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes fondly at the disappointment in Clarke’s voice.“She doesn’t hate you. She just likes to be intimidating. It’s her thing.”

 

Clarke looks at her dubiously but gives her a smile nonetheless. “I think it’s a family thing,” she says.

 

Lexa gasp dramatically. “I intimidate you?”

 

“Me, no. Everyone else, definitely,” she says with an eye roll and Lexa can’t help her laughter.

 

“You might have a point,” she concedes with amusement. “All the more reason to believe me when I tell you it’s all an act. Anya is just being protective, even though I don’t need protection.”

 

Clarke gives her a small smile and nods, her shoulders relaxing as she leans back more comfortably on her seat.

 

When they make it to Anya’s she’s already waiting for them in the foyer and they head up together to her apartment, the elevator ride eerily quiet and Lexa just wants to punch someone (Anya, definitely Anya) in frustration.

 

They get in and Lexa immediately drags Anya by her arm towards the kitchen with promises of bringing Clarke a drink.

 

“You stop this right now or I swear I won’t talk to you for a month!” Lexa hisses furiously.

 

“Stop what?” Anya asks with fake innocence with only incites Lexa further.

 

“That’s two months now! I mean it, Anya, stop it,” she glares.

 

Anya looks at her intently then breathes out and raises her hands up. “Fine, fine, I promise.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

“But I won’t promise not to give her the big sister talk,” she adds mischievously and Lexa just rolls her eyes.

 

“I would rather you didn’t but I don’t think I have any leverage there.”

 

“You would be correct. It’s a prerogative,” she says smugly.

 

“Fine. But now go be a decent person and try to make up for your behavior,” Lexa orders and Anya chuckles.

 

Thankfully, people soon start streaming in and the mood becomes much lighter with everyone drinking and chatting. Lexa introduces Clarke to their friends (Anya, of course, blundering that one right off the bat when she called her Lexa’s girlfriend, resulting in Clarke stammering and blushing for a solid five minutes) and Lexa is happy to see her relax and enjoy herself.

 

The last ones to come in are Costia, Lincoln, and Octavia, who have recently started dating. Lexa takes a minute to muse at how differently this is all turning out, with Clarke being the new person in their group rather than Lexa in Clarke’s.

 

“O! You’re here!” Clarke exclaims as she heads up towards them, engulfing the girl in a fierce hug.

 

“Yeah, this is Lincoln,” she says meaningfully with a loving smile. “Why are you here?”

 

“Oh, uh, Lexa,” Clarke says, awkwardly looking from them to Costia, and Lexa moves forward to give her cousin a hug and Costia a kiss on the cheek.

 

“Octavia, this is Lexa. She’s my cousin,” Lincoln says, trying to avoid the awkwardness.

 

“So _this_ is Lexa,” Octavia says pointedly with a grin to Clarke.

 

“Wow, small world,” Clarke mutters.

 

 _You have no idea_ , Lexa muses. “And how do you two know each other,” Lexa fakes ignorance.

 

“We’re best friends,” Clarke explains with a smile. “And Raven too, she’s my roommate.”

 

“Well, now that the introductions are out of the way, how about those drinks!” Costia exclaims, winking before she makes her way to the kitchen.

 

“She doesn’t hate me?” Clarke asks in a whisper.

 

Lexa shakes her head and kisses her sweetly. “No. How could anybody?”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes and smacks her playfully but the relief on her face is undeniable.

 

As the party continues things get a bit rowdier and somewhere along the drunken mass of bodies Lexa loses Clarke. She decides to go look for her when she realizes that Octavia is dancing with Lincoln so Clarke is obviously not with her.

 

“Looking for someone?” Luna asks with a knowing smirk as she corners her.

 

“Clarke.”

 

Luna’s smirk only grows bigger and Lexa immediately knows that nothing good is going to come out of her mouth.

 

“You’re smitten,” she points out, rather obviously. Lexa just rolls her eyes and doesn’t bother denying it.

 

“Pot meet kettle. I’ve seen you look at your boyfriend,” Lexa tells her with amusement.

 

Luna just chuckles. “So she’s your girlfriend now? I remember you hastily denying it and the girl turning as red as a tomato when Anya mentioned it,” she teases. Busted.

 

“You know what I mean,” she huffs. She has to admit though, she was quite happy with how pouty Clarke’s lips got when Lexa told them she wasn’t her girlfriend yet. She’s positive they’ll make it official soon. “Have you seen her?” she asks, once again looking around but finding no sign of her.

 

“Oh yes,” Luna grins mischievously. “Anya and Costia are talking to her.”

 

Lexa’s eyes widen comically. “Fuck! _Both_ of them?”

 

Luna snickers and nods. “You’re toast.”

 

“Where?” Lexa asks already on her way.

 

“Anya’s bedroom,” Luna shouts as she walks away.

 

Lexa furiously storms into Anya’s bedroom to find a scenario that had not ever crossed her mind.

 

Sprawled out on the bed, sharing a bottle of vodka amongst themselves, are her sister, her ex-girlfriend/best friend, and her girlfriend. And they’re laughing. Honest to god, belly-hugging, laughing.

 

For a moment Lexa wonders if she’s opened the door into some weird dimension.

 

Stranger things have happened.

 

“Lexi!” Anya calls out, clearly drunk and smiling like a fool.

 

“Lex!”

 

“Babe!”

 

“Just the woman we were talking about,” Costia says with a shit-eating grin.

 

Clarke nods, blue eyes wide open in mirth. “Come sit, babe!”

 

“I used to call her babe, too!” Costia exclaims. “She pretends she hates it but she secretly loves it,” she drunkenly whispers.

 

The other two cackle and Lexa closes her eyes in mortification. This must be a special type of hell just for her, the three most important women in her life colluding to make her life miserable.

 

“I know! She pretends to be all tough but she’s a softy,” Clarke loudly whispers back.

 

“Just put her in front of a pretty lady, she’s a gay mess!” Anya proclaims amongst a fit of giggles which the other two join.

 

Clarke and Costia exchange a look and Lexa knows nothing good is coming out so she hastily intervenes.

 

“That’s enough talking about me,” she says as she extends her hand to grab the bottle of vodka but Anya swiftly swats it away.

 

“My house, my booze!”

 

Lexa rolls her eyes and groans loudly when all three of them take another heavy sip, wincing as it burns down their throat.

 

“Hate vodka,” Clarke says with disgust.

 

“Me too!” Costia happily announces.

 

“Me three!”

 

“Jesus Christ, then why the hell are you three drinking it?” Lexa asks in exasperation.

 

“Because we’re celebrating, Lexi!” Anya says in an ‘it should be obvious’ tone.

 

Costia nods and smiles drunkenly. “Yes! You have a girlfriend and we approve!”

 

“We’re not-” Clarke starts then takes another sip of vodka, her cheeks flaming red.

 

Lexa is too elated to hear their approval to care about much else. “I’m happy you approve, now stop hogging my girlfriend and getting her drunk.”

 

“Your girlfriend, huh?” Clarke asks timidly and Anya and Costia start snickering again.

 

Lexa rolls her eyes at their antics and leans forward to help Clarke off the bed. “Yes. My girlfriend, if you’ll have me,” she adds softly, suddenly a bit timid.

 

Clarke smiles brightly and nods vigorously until Lexa pulls her in for a kiss, earning themselves groans from the other two.

 

“Gross!”

 

“Get a room!”

 

Lexa laughs and flips them off before taking Clarke’s hand and leading her out.

 

“Come on, I want to show you how much I appreciate you being my girlfriend,” she says coyly and Clarke’s eyes brighten with hunger.

 

“Yes please, let’s get out of here.”


	22. #17.6

Lexa gives Clarke another side glance while still trying to focus on the road but her girlfriend is making it difficult.

 

After a while, she’s had enough and she moves her right hand from the steering wheel to Clarke’s thigh, effectively stopping her bouncing with a firm grip.

 

“You’re nervous,” Lexa points out, sympathetic to the situation that has repeated itself more times than she would’ve cared for.

 

Clarke decides to compensate for her inability to bounce her legs by wringing her hands within each other constantly, huffing out breaths every few seconds.

 

It’s driving Lexa insane.

 

“Clarke,” she says more sternly than intended. “Please, it’ll be fine. Try to relax, okay?”

 

“Easy for you to say,” Clarke grumbles. “My mom loved you.Marcus loved you. _Everybody_ loves you. You’re like the parent whisperer.”

 

Lexa tries to hold in her laughter but the eye roll is unavoidable. She does kind of have an unfair advantage.

 

“And my parents will love you as well. Anya and Lincoln already do.”

 

Clarke huffs. “Lincoln likes everybody,” she says dismissively. “And I’m pretty sure Anya just likes me because I introduced her to Raven.”

 

Lexa smirks. That had been a sweet thing to watch, and she will make fun of her sister forever.

 

Hard-edged, no-nonsense Anya completely smitten at first sight. Not that Raven was any better, but she did show more game, otherwise those two would have been doomed.

 

She’s always wondered how they’d met, what Anya’s first reaction to Raven had been. Now she knows, and it was priceless.

 

“You know she liked you before that,” Lexa points out. “You charmed her and Cos at that party with your stories about me.”

 

Clarke grins mischievously and Lexa can feel her exasperation grow. “More like they told me _lots_ of stories about you, _commander_ ,” she teases, and Lexa is pleased to see her attempt at distraction is working and Clarke is beginning to relax, though she is not pleased with what those two troublemakers might have told Clarke about her.

 

“Remind me to bump up ‘kill Anya and Costia’ to the top of my to-do list, will you?”

 

Clarke laughs and raises a hand to caress Lexa’s cheek.

 

“They were sweet stories. Mostly,” she teases. “And now I’ve got lots of dirty secrets about you.”

 

“Oh, and you think your mom and Marcus didn’t have anything interesting to tell me?” she asks challengingly. “Or Raven and Octavia?”

 

Clarke groans loudly. “Fuck, I should’ve never left you alone with either of them for even one minute.”

 

“I know secrets, too,” Lexa grins smugly.

 

Clarke leans back against the headrest and looks out the window, her shoulders finally relaxing and Lexa is struck with just how beautiful she is, like this, with the low light of dusk shading her face, her eyes sparkling, her lips red from nervously biting them. She’s stunning.

 

Lexa lives for these moments. Sometimes it feels like all the hardship she’s been through, all the heartache and the repetition and the loneliness, it’s all worth it for this. For this moment of pure bliss where her breath gets taken away and she feels infinitely lucky to be able to witness even one moment of Clarke like this.

 

She squeezes Clarke’s hand with more force than recommended, almost as if unable to contain the amount of love pouring out of her.

 

Clarke squeezes back and looks at her quizzically.

 

“I love you,” Lexa tells her reverently and Clarke sucks in a breath. Her eyes widen and water and Lexa watches, mesmerized, as her smile slowly gets bigger until it brightens her whole face.

 

Lexa loves this. She loves seeing the look on Clarke’s face every time she tells her she loves her for the first time. It’s always the same look, stunned, surprised, relieved, ecstatic.

 

“And I love you,” Clarke whispers, bringing their joined hands to her lips and pressing a delicate kiss to the back of Lexa’s hand.

 

* * *

 

The house is chaotic, unusual in and of itself in the Woods family, and made worse by Anya and Clarke’s relentless banter.

 

Those two get along like fireworks, Lexa muses, enchanted by their rapid-fire back and forth which gets them both progressively more rilled up and which they thoroughly enjoy.

 

Lincoln just shares her look of fond exasperation, and their parents have a confused look on both their faces as they look from one to the other, Clarke comfortably nestled in Lexa’s arms in the small couch, and Anya sprawled out across from them in the armchair.

 

“Are they always like this?” Mom asks with an amused eyebrow raised.

 

“You haven’t seen anything yet,” Lincoln says from where he’s settled comfortably in the other armchair. “Be glad neither Octavia nor Raven is here, the four of them would drive you insane.”

 

Lexa chuckles and they all look on amused, Anya and Clarke apparently oblivious to the rest of them in their fervent discussion.

 

“Are you insane?” Clarke half-yells out, her arms moving in even more agitated patterns and Lexa moves back a little, afraid she’ll get smacked on the forehead by accident. “There is no way the Arkers will lose the game, they have the better team!”

 

Anya snorts derisively. “Week children is more like it, they stand no chance against the Grounders!”

 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about. They won the past five games.”

 

“And against which teams? Anyone could’ve beat those, it’s not exactly a show of superior skill. The Grounders, on the other hand, won against worthy adversaries.”

 

Lexa groans, finally paying attention to the conversation instead of just their animated gestures and realizing they’ve ended up talking football again.

 

“It’s Christmas, you two, we don’t discuss sports rivalries during the holidays,” she interrupts their arguments only to be faced with two red-faced blondes glaring at her. “Fight about something else if you must. How about politics?” she suggests excitedly. Now _that_ is something she’s interested in.

 

Both of them groan in displeasure and roll their eyes in an identical manner. It’s almost as if _they’re_ sisters.

 

“No one likes boring shit like that except you, you dork,” Anya tells her and Lexa throws a pillow at her face.

 

“Hey! It’s not boring! The future of our country depends on having educated people who make informed political decisions instead of just following the loudest person or not voting at all,” she says, crossing her arms in annoyance.

 

“Sorry, babe, gotta agree with Anya there. It’s boring as hell,” Clarke tells her and everyone lets out a laugh.

 

“Hey look, they agree on something!” Dad points out with a smirk.

 

“Only when they’re teaming up against me,” Lexa grumbles with a fake pout.

 

Clarke chuckles and pecks her lightly. “Don’t be a grumpy pants, Lex, we all love you.”

 

“Yeah, but we love to tease you more,” Anya smirks.

 

“I’m pretty sure I forgot to buy both of your gifts, you’ll have to wait till next year” Lexa threatens and they both gasp dramatically.

 

“You wouldn’t!”

 

“You’d to that to your favorite sister?”

 

“You’re my only sister.”

 

“And I’m the favorite,” Lincoln says smugly and Anya gasps even louder when Lexa nods her assent.

 

“Behave, children,” Mom orders with an amused smile.

 

“Well I’m glad you fit right in with the family, Clarke,” Dad tells her, and Lexa feels a surge of pride and happiness in her chest.

 

Clarke blushes and smiles bashfully. “Thank you, sir.”

 

“I told you, it’s Gustus.”

 

Lexa sends him a grateful smile and his eyes twinkle with pride.

 

“Are you sure your family is okay with you spending Christmas with us?” Mom asks her for the second time.

 

Clarke nods. “Yes, this year my mom’s got the Christmas shift at the hospital and Marcus is spending it with his mother. I’d probably just end up getting a shift at the hospital as well if Lexa hadn’t invited me.”

 

“Well, we’re happy to have you,” Dad tells her and Clarke beams.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“And this way you won’t miss Mom’s special apple pie,” Lexa nudges her with a smile. “I know it’s your favorite dessert.”

 

Clarke gives her a surprised look and then smiles fondly. “Sure is. I kind of want to just skip ahead to the food part,” she jokes and everyone laughs heartily at her enthusiasm.

 

They call it a night soon after, Clarke’s eagerness for the next day amusing to all of them. It’s not like their family doesn’t enjoy the holidays, they do, but they’re not nearly as effusive as Clarke is.

 

Actually, neither of them lives life as effusively as she does. It seems to be a Woods trait.

 

* * *

 

Lexa nestles closer to Clarke, one arm strewn around her belly as she rubs mindless patterns with her fingertips, delighting in the goosebumps it elicits in her girlfriend.

 

“Did you enjoy the holiday?” she asks sleepily.

 

“So much,” Clarke tells her and places a kiss on her head.

 

“Told you my parents would love you.”

 

Clarke chuckles huskily. “I’m not sure if they love me yet, your family does have a tendency to keep a very stoic face no matter what. You are all very hard to read,” she says, poking Lexa’s side pointedly.

 

“I’m an open book,” Lexa smirks and Clarke chuckles.

 

“Liar. But I’m starting to get a better read on you, rest assured. It’s all in the eyes,” she says knowingly.

 

“Is it?”

 

“Oh yeah, dead giveaway. Especially your heart eyes,” she says smugly.

 

Lexa raises her head in outrage. “Heart eyes? I do _not_ make heart eyes.”

 

“Oh yes you do, babe,” Clarke tells her with a smirk. “Everyone can see it, you’re totally weak for me.”

 

Lexa sputters, utterly offended. “That’s— That’s so…Very much true,” she finishes, unhappily relenting.

 

Clarke just laughs heartily and pulls her back down for a kiss.

 

“I’m not complaining, I love it that I can see how much you care for me in your eyes.”

 

“I can’t help it, you’re very lovable,” she mumbles as if it could ever be a bad thing.

 

“Thank you for my presents,” Clarke says after a beat of silence.

 

“I only gave you one, Clarke.”

 

“Yes, but I’m sure you also nudged the others in the right direction,” she tells her, amused.

 

“Maybe,” Lexa hides her smile with a well-placed kiss on Clarke’s neck.

 

“How did you know I’d like your parents’ gift?”

 

Lexa furrows her brow as she remembers which one that was. “The concert tickets?”

 

Clarke hums her assent and starts racking her nails over Lexa’s back making her shiver.

 

“They’re your favorite band,” Lexa says simply, the mindless pattern of Clarke’s nails making her eyes flutter closed and she can feel herself starting to drift off. It was a busy couple of days, with way too much food added to the mix, and the comfort of her own bed always makes her relax into oblivion in an instant.

 

“They are,” Clarke says thoughtfully, but Lexa is already falling asleep and doesn’t really catch her tone.

 

* * *

 

Anya groans loudly in exasperation and then gives Lexa her most frightening glare. Little does she know, Lexa has had well over a century to become immune to it, so it really doesn’t deter her from continuing with her ‘Time to Embarrass my Sister’ moment.

 

Oh, sweet, sweet vengeance. 

 

“So then, this poor scorned girl decides that the best way to get her revenge on my lovely sister is to seduce her again,” Lexa continues with her story, unperturbed by Anya’s fierce glares.

 

“I will kill you.”

 

Or death threats.

 

“I will come into your house at night and cut you up piece by piece and I’ll feed you to the wolves so no one will ever find even one tiny piece to remember you by.”

 

Lexa just laughs wildly while Clarke and Raven’s eyes widen comically before they let out nervous laughs.

 

Lexa keeps going, eyes sparkling with mischief. “So then this girl managed to sleep with Anya again, no big surprise there, there was a _lot_ of alcohol involved,” she tells them between laughs, “But then my genius sister’s brain ended up located somewhere much further down her body and she let the girl sleep over after what she’d done to her the time before.”

 

“Oh no,” Clarke ominously says, trying to contain her laughter at what she’s already imagining happened.

 

Anya is hiding her face behind Raven’s shoulder, the two of them comfortably sat across from them on the couch at Clarke and Raven’s apartment.

 

“Please stop,” Anya begs, trying to change tactics.

 

“No, no, keep going!” Raven interjects and Anya gives her an outraged look.

 

“Traitor,” she grumbles with narrowed eyes, her cheeks blushing, and they all laugh again.

 

“You brought this on yourself, big sis,” Lexa teases her before she goes forward with her torture. “So then when we woke up in the morning, guess what we found?” she asks them, her grin barely contained.

 

Anya groans again, even louder this time and hides her face in her hands. Raven chuckles and looks at her fondly but then looks back at Lexa, eagerly expectant.

 

“ _All_ of Anya’s underwear was spread out over the different balconies of our four-story building,” she tells them with a sudden fit of laughter when she remembers the image, a stunt she watched in every loop but still doesn’t know how the girl pulled off. “ _And_ all her clothes were strewn around the bushes out front!”

 

Everyone bursts out laughing mercilessly, and then even harder at Anya’s miserable, absurdly red face.

 

Raven is wiping tears from her eyes and then goes into another fit of laughter when Anya weakly threatens to break up with her.

 

“Oh my gosh, this reminds me of that time Octavia stole all your panties, Rae,” Clarke says which elicits another round of laughter from them, only this time Raven is sending the death glares and Anya is looking very smug.

 

“But at least Octavia did it on a dare,” Lexa points out, still shaking with laughter. “This girl did it because she thought my dear sister would change her bachelorette ways for the power of her magical vagina.”

 

Clarke gives her a peculiar look but laughs again and Anya glares further, then looks embarrassed at Raven’s smug look.

 

“I guess only one person has that magical power,” Raven haughtily says, wiggling her eyebrow with that trademark cocky smirk of hers, and they all burst out laughing again at Anya’s puppy love face.

 

* * *

 

“No, no, no! I’m telling you guys, this will definitely work!” Raven excitedly assures them, though the dangerously tipping beer bottle in her hand and her determined drunken look make Lexa seriously doubt it.

 

Clarke lets out an amused laugh and shakes her head vehemently.

 

“Nope, not falling for it this time, Raven.”

 

“We all know how your ideas turn out, Reyes,” Octavia points out with a knowing smirk.

 

Lexa nods with a grimace. “Very true, we wouldn’t want a repeat of the physics lab fiasco.”

 

There’s a collective shudder around the group before they all break out laughing again.

 

Raven looks up at them indignantly. “Hey! I can’t believe you told her that story, Griffin! You’re ruining my reputation,” she grumbles, and Octavia pats her clumsily on the head while smirking.

 

“Don’t worry, babe, everyone knows you’re a genius.”

 

“A dangerous one,” Lexa adds with a grin.

 

Clarke puts up her hands in surrender when Raven keeps glaring at her. “I didn’t tell Lexa that story, Rae! Promise.”

 

Oh. Oops.

 

There’s clearly too much information in her brain, too many versions to keep up with. She’s getting sloppier as the years go by.

 

“Anya,” Lexa quickly supplies, glad that her sister is distracted by an arm wrestle with Bellamy (which she is obviously winning) to be able to crumble her lie.

 

Raven pouts dejectedly. “Damn it, can’t even get my own girlfriend to defend my honor. It was _one_ time!”

 

“And a destroyed lab which cost more than we care to know,” Clarke teased her.

 

“And glorious photos of you with no eyebrows for posterity.” Octavia’s grin is wicked and Raven gasps in shock, obviously unaware of the incriminating evidence.

 

“You didn’t!”

 

“Oh, I most certainly did.”

 

“Blackmail material,” Clarke teases her with fake innocence.

 

Raven groans and grumbles about backstabbing friends and girlfriends as she makes her way over to Lincoln, her newly-proclaimed best friend, and leaves them in a bout of laughter.

 

* * *

 

Clarke groans loudly as she places her head on her hands to hide her embarrassment in a move which Lexa finds adorable, pulling out a small smile from her lips.

 

“Please stop, mom. I’m begging you, if you love me you’ll put me out of my misery.”

 

Lexa and Abby exchange amused grins as they witness Clarke’s dramatics.

 

“I’m not doing anything,” Abby raises her hands up, voice high with fake innocence.

 

Clarke removes her hands from her face only to point her with a glare.

 

“I’m quite sure there’s like a rule or something about parents not sharing embarrassing childhood stories with their children’s significant others.”

 

“On the contrary, my dear, the rule is that we must _absolutely_ share them. It’s like a rite of passage.”

 

“Well, please stop, I’m pretty sure one story was good enough for your little bonding moment.”

 

Lexa’s smile widens and Abby’s grows more mischievous.

 

“I think not, I at least have to tell her about the time you decided you’d wander off into the world to be a traveling artist at the meager age of nine.”

 

Clarke groans even louder and hides her face behind Lexa’s shoulder.

 

“Please make her stop, Lex. I can’t handle this torture.”

 

“And why would I do that, Clarke? I’m very much enjoying these stories,” she smirks.

 

Clarke pokes her hard on the ribs and raises her head back up to glare at her, cheeks red with embarrassment.

 

“I’ll be sure to ask your parents for some incriminating stories on your part.”

 

Lexa raises her hand to her chest exaggeratedly. “You wouldn’t!”

 

“Would too.”

 

Lexa smiles cheekily and shrugs. “I think it’s worth calling your bluff, I know pictures of little you running away with your pink backpack and paint kit are worthy of a few embarrassing stories of me.”

 

Clarke looks at her curiously and Abby bursts out laughing, making Lexa refocus her attention on her.

 

“That’s exactly how it happened!” she delightedly tells them. “It was the most adorable thing, she was so determined that Jake and I just let her pack up and watched her walk out the door. She made it as far as the backyard and decided it was the perfect place to camp out and paint the landscape.”

 

Lexa laughs heartily and her heart threatens to break out of her chest when Clarke leans her head softly against her shoulder and takes her hand, love spreading through her so warmly it almost burns her from the inside out.

 

“I need to see this painting,” Lexa says, fingers softly running through Clarke’s arm.

 

Abby gives them a fond look before agreeing and Clarke groans again as her mom heads up to fetch the painting.

 

“I hate you,” she grumbles with a smile.

 

Lexa grins widely and caresses her cheek.

 

“And I love you.”

 

* * *

 

Winter is finally over and Clarke has been pestering her non-stop about heading out to her parents’ house to see the mountains properly. She’s so excited about painting them that Lexa is not even the slightest bit reluctant to make the drive down, though she does put on a bit of a fight, just for show. She does have a reputation to uphold after all. She can’t just make it obvious how weak she is for her girlfriend, how one look at her face makes her want to agree with everything she asks for.

 

She’s not quite sure Clarke is convinced. Whatever.

 

Mom and Dad are walking ahead of them on the trail while Clarke, Anya, Raven, and Octavia are immersed in some heavy discussion which involves a lot of dangerously moving limbs, and Lincoln and Lexa follow quietly behind, enjoying the feeling of family and nature. They’re both quite similar in personality, more pleased with watching their loved ones have fun than actually actively participating all the time.

 

It all happens quite quickly.

 

One moment, Lincoln is swatting his arms around, muttering about annoying bugs in the Spring, and the next Lexa’s eyes dart forward to see Clarke starting to hyperventilate and everyone around her starting to panic with worry, not knowing what is happening or what to do.

 

Lexa is by her side in a flash, backpack already open as she digs through it, a reassuring smile on her face trying to calm her panicking girlfriend.

 

“Easy, easy, love. Just breathe,” she tells her soothingly after she injects her thigh with the EpiPen, one hand running through Clarke’s hair and the other up and down her back while her breathing regulates.

 

“What…?” she hears one of the others mutter in shock.

 

“Allergy,” Lexa and Clarke reply in unison, Clarke’s voice still hoarse and scratchy.

 

Clarke looks at her with wide grateful eyes which immediately take on a confused glint.

 

“How did you know?” she rasps out.

 

Lexa just smiles slightly and shrugs her shoulders nonchalantly.

 

“Lots of pesky bugs in these woods, I’m always prepared.”

 

Clarke’s confusion slowly dwindles and then she gives her a small, grateful smile.

 

“Thank you.”

 

* * *

 

Lexa is finishing up the last minute details when she hears Clarke’s key opening the door and an immediate smile graces her lips.

 

She looks around one last time, making sure everything is in the right place and nods approvingly to herself. Candles, check. Dinner in the oven, check. Curls falling primly over her shoulder, check.

 

“Hey, babe.”

 

Lexa turns around to great her and is happy to see a joyful smile on her face as Clarke takes in the apartment.

 

Lexa has a weakness for candles and, though Clarke often teases her about the excessive amount of candles she has (as if one could ever have too many candles! Pft, ridiculous), Lexa knows Clarke enjoys it when she sets the mood with them.

 

“Hey,” she presses a soft kiss to her girlfriend’s lips. “You look beautiful,” she says as she looks appreciatively at Clarke’s high-waisted black pants and the blouse that makes her cleavage pop just so, enough to make Lexa go wild but not too much as to make her want to rip her clothes right off.

 

“Thank you. And you look stunning as always, you know that dress makes me all kinds of weak,” Clarke teases in a husky note as her eyes rake up and down Lexa’s body. “You’re not playing fair, Woods.”

 

Lexa smirks seductively and leans closer to press another more passionate kiss which Clarke quickly intensifies.

 

“I don’t intend to play fair, love. Happy six months anniversary.”

 

Clarke’s smile brightens and she pulls Lexa back in, kissing her hungrily.

 

“God, you’re too hot for this world. You’re killing me,” she jokes.

 

Lexa’s grin widens. “Come,” she holds out her hand for Clarke to take and tilts her head. “Let’s get some food in you, you’re going to need a lot of energy for what I’ve got planned,” she says with a coy smile which makes Clarke hungrily bite her lower lip.

 

They finish eating and Clarke immediately gets up from the table and pulls Lexa up with her, who lets out a little, amused chuckle as she’s led towards the bedroom.

 

“Couldn’t wait to get your hands on me, huh?” she teases coyly.

 

“I told you, you’re killing me looking like that.”

 

Clarke pulls her in against her and kisses her passionately while reaching back to start unzipping her dress. Lexa wastes no time in popping open Clarke’s buttons, leaving her bra visible and her pants easier to get rid off.

 

Both now in their underwear, they fall on the bed in a mess of desperate kisses and wandering hands.

 

“Stop teasing,” Lexa breathes out as Clarke’s hands continue to get closer to where she wants them only to go away the next minute. It’s driving her mad.

 

Clarke chuckles and pays her no mind, lowering her lips to start kissing her down her neck and breasts and stomach until, _finally_ , she raises Lexa’s hips gently to remove her panties and Lexa moans out in relief when her mouth reaches her.

 

She feels maddened by pleasure, losing all control as Clarke’s tongue takes and takes and then she’s adding two fingers in her while she swirls her tongue on her clit and then she’s coming with a loud moan, breaths coming out in pants as she comes down from her high, a relaxed grin on her lips.

 

She tugs Clarke up when it’s too much and kisses her deeply, a loving look on her face.

 

“Fuck me, that was amazing.”

 

Clarke chuckles and smirks smugly. “I just did.”

 

Lexa swats her playfully. “Don’t gloat,” she tries to glare but has no energy.

 

Clarke’s smug smirk only grows, challenge clear, and Lexa wastes no time flipping them around and having her way with her, oh so slowly until Clarke is a whimpering and begging mess beneath her, shuddering in pleasure when Lexa finally gives her what she wants.

 

They lay in each other’s arms lovingly, relaxing in their shared bliss, when Lexa remembers the other part of the plan for the night. With a quick kiss on Clarke’s lips, she swiftly gets up and goes to the living room, coming back with a small, wrapped package.

 

Clarke raises her brows curiously. “What’s this?”

 

“Just a gift,” she casually says, biting her lower lips with her eagerness. “It’s not an anniversary gift or anything,” she rushes out when she sees Clarke’s guilty look. “I know we agreed on gifts only for our first year, but this is just something that I saw the other day and I knew you’d like it. Purely coincidental that I’m giving it to you today.”

 

Clarke smiles shyly as she sits up in bed and eagerly unwraps the present. Her eyes open wide when she opens the small box and she gives Lexa a wondrous look.

 

“How…?”

 

Lexa smiles gently and shrugs noncommittally. “I guess I just knew it’s something you’d like.”

 

Clarke nods with a beautiful smile and kisses her. “Thank you.” Then she focuses her eyes again on the contents of the box and her brows start to furrow, her lips slowly turn down in a firm frown and her eyes take on a determined glint.

 

Lexa is left staring at the transformation in a confused daze.

 

“What’s wrong?” she asks worriedly. “You don’t like it?”

 

“I love it,” Clarke reassures her, but her face doesn’t change. She lifts her head up and squares her shoulders as if to face some sort of battle and she turns back to Lexa with those fierce eyes. “We need to talk.”


	23. #17.7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, we're about to go through a wee bit of a roller coaster ride, but I'm sure we'll all come out alive ;)

Well, fuck.

 

‘We need to talk’ is never the preamble to a good conversation. Lexa has lived long enough, dated enough woman, and seen enough movies to know that what comes after those four words is never good.

 

Lexa racks her brain around what might have caused the sudden change in Clarke’s mood but she comes up with nothing. She bites her lips nervously and looks at Clarke with concern.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

Clarke’s brows furrow further and she sits up a bit straighter, wrapping up the sheet around her and Lexa suddenly feels very naked for this conversation. She gets up and puts on her pajamas to quell the sudden vulnerability.

 

“Nothing is wrong, per se,” Clarke starts tenuously. “But something is definitely going on and I need you to be honest with me.”

 

Lexa looks at her, wide-eyed, and she sits gingerly back on the bed.

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

Clarke runs her hand through her hair and huffs out a breath, then she gestures to the open box on her lap.

 

“Like this,” she points out, eyes looking intently at Lexa. “I’ve wanted this since I was a little kid. It was the last item on the collection that I was missing and I’ve been looking for it for ages but I’ve never found it,” she says, glancing briefly at the vintage football card and then turning her piercing gaze back to Lexa. “And there you go and just ‘find it’, and somehow know it’s something I’d like. How does that even work?”

 

Lexa blinks, momentarily stunned.

 

 _Damnit_. Clearly, she fucked up badly and got the loops mixed up.

 

“I just thought it was something you’d like, Clarke, it’s pure coincidence that you were looking for it,” she says, trying to look innocent and confused. “I didn’t even know you had a collection.”

 

She’s lying through her teeth and she tries to keep her gaze even but she knows Clarke is not buying it.

 

 _Fuck_.

 

“Bullshit. You _knew_ , I don’t know how you knew, but you somehow did,” she insists. “And this is just the tip of the iceberg in the pile of mysterious things Lexa Woods somehow just _knows_ ,” she tramples on.

 

“I don’t-”

 

“No.” There’s a ferociousness in Clarke’s eyes that is rarely directed towards Lexa and it makes her falter in her arguing. “Don’t try to lie to me. You may not want to tell me what’s happening, and I can respect it even if I hate it, but don’t try to make me sound crazy. Please.”

 

Lexa turns her head to the side in shame and then sets her shoulders as she prepares to face Clarke’s onslaught because she knows she’s nowhere near done.

 

“Okay.”

 

“My favorite foods,” Clarke starts accusingly and Lexa just swallows hard but maintains her gaze. “The exact way I like my coffee, since _day one_ , without even having to ask me. My favorite restaurants. My favorite band. You were the perfect girlfriend from day one, you do everything right.”

 

“And that’s somehow proof of..?” she trails off uncomfortably.

 

She doesn’t even know why she’s not coming straight out with it, why she’s choosing to try to keep up the lie. Maybe it’s because in the rare occasions when she’s chosen to share her particular situation with someone, it’s been _her_ choice, not because she’s been found out.

 

She’s _never_ been found out. She really is becoming a mess with all the various details scrambled around in her brain.

“You _know_ me,” Clarke vehemently states, unwavering in her conviction that there’s something more going one. “You know things about me that I’ve never told you. You know things about our friends.”

 

Lexa just stares at her, heart racing in her chest and the adrenaline is making her breaths shallow, her palms sweating. She tries to keep her traitorous body in check with steadying breaths but she’s not sure she’s very successful.

 

Clarke waits for her to say anything but, when no response is forthcoming, she just prattles on.

 

“The first time we met, at the hospital. You looked at me as if you’d seen a ghost,” she continues in a slow, firm voice. “I thought I just reminded you of someone but… Now I’m not so sure. I go to that coffee shop every single week and yet I never saw you once, and then, suddenly, there you are, every Sunday like clockwork.”

 

Lexa avoids her eyes for a moment, swallowing her guilt. When she turns back it is to face a scrutinizing Clarke who holds her gaze challengingly and refuses to let go.

 

Lexa clears her throat, compelled to say something even though she has no idea what. She kind of wishes she had any experience with this particular situation, but, sadly, her very long curse couldn’t even help her out with this one thing.

 

“I have been to that coffee shop many times over the years, Clarke,” she tells her shakily. Too many times, actually. “I just happen to avoid it at certain periods.”

 

“Why?” Clarke asks, eyes narrowed in suspicion.

 

Lexa’s lips form in the smallest of wry smiles. “It brings back a lot of memories.”

 

Clarke blinks, processing, her lips pressed into a firm line. “At Christmas, you knew things about me that I’d never told you,” she says, sheet protectively covering her naked torso and her arms crossed in front of her chest more firmly. “You knew details of some of my childhood stories you had no way of knowing. You knew about my allergy even before I did,” she continues to list, voice getting lower with each blow, eyes searching Lexa’s as if daring for an objection or waiting for a hint. “You laugh along at some of our college inside jokes as if you know the stories behind them, and then you actually _do_ know some of them.” 

 

Lexa’s eyes remain on Clarke’s but she purses her lips slightly, waiting for the kill shot.

 

At this point, she is equal parts nervous and proud. Excited even. Nervous for the possibility that Clarke might get angry with her, might break things off; proud of how smart and intuitive her girlfriend is; excited to finally have something that breaks the monotony after her initial fears start to dwindle.

 

“Two options, really,” Clarke finishes inquisitively. “Either you’re some psycho stalker who’s been playing a really long game, which, please tell me is not the case,” she adds and Lexa can’t help but chuckle weakly. “Or… Or I don’t know how to say the other option without sounding completely bonkers.”

 

Lexa lets her smile grow then, slowly spreading until her eyes are shining with mirth and Clarke’s expression turns from suspicious to curious.

 

“Say it,” she gently prompts, curious as to what Clarke’s brilliant mind came up with.

 

Clarke chuckles slightly and shakes her head, suddenly looking the most unsure she’s been all night. “Psychic?”

 

Lexa bursts out laughing then, both at Clarke’s unusual timidity and at the fact that psychic would probably be a much more plausible explanation than reality.

 

Clarke looks at her, confused and wearily amused, while Lexa calms down and wipes out a few tears from her eyes, the adrenaline crash leaving her an emotional mess.

 

“Sorry,” she says through a few final laughs. “I’m sorry.” She looks at Clarke and then laughs again before she takes a few deep breaths to calm down. “Okay, I’ve got it now,” she declares with a final steadying breath, still trying to keep the laughter from bubbling out by pressing her lips tightly together.

 

“So I take that as a no to the psychic option?” Clarke asks with a certain degree of amusement added to her confusion.

 

“No,” Lexa tells her with a firm shake to her head and a few more giggles. “No. Not a psychic. Though I think that was the most logical conclusion, yes.”

 

“What then? ‘Cause there _is_ something, right? I’m not crazy,” she probes with a sudden level of insecurity. It’s almost as if Lexa not trying to deny anything anymore left her a bit unbalanced like she was gearing up for a fight which never really came.

 

Lexa nods and her smile turns slowly sour.

 

“Yes, there’s something,” she whispers softly. “You’re not crazy but I think you might question _my_ sanity if I tell you the truth.”

 

“I mean, psychic was pretty out there, I don’t think you can beat it,” Clarke jests weakly, a concerned look in her brows as she takes in Lexa’s mood change.

 

“Oh, I think I can,” she tells her wryly. “Think ‘Groundhog Day’ on a larger scale.”

 

Clarke’s brows furrow in confusion. “The movie? About repeating the same day over and over again?” Lexa only nods sadly and she watches Clarke’s face transform before her eyes.

 

“That’s—“ Confusion.

 

“No, that’s not—” Denial.

 

“How?—” Curiosity.

 

“But then—” Acceptance.

 

“Oh god.” Grief.

 

“ _Lexa_ …” Sympathy. Understanding. Sorrow.

 

Lexa turns her face away then, unable to be faced with her fate anymore.

 

She’s seen all these emotions play out on Clarke’s face before and it never gets easier. Somehow, while Clarke knowing makes her feel less alone, it also makes the full reality of her situation crash into her like a tsunami, unforgiving and merciless in its destruction.

 

“How long?” Clarke asks hoarsely and Lexa looks up to see that there are tears in her eyes.

 

Lexa swallows hard and whispers brokenly, “Too long.”

 

“Lexa. How long?” she demands more firmly.

Lexa bites her lip hesitantly. It gets harder to answer every time. It’s not like time is moving backward, after all.

 

“One hundred and twenty-five years,” she tells her, sorrowful, lips trembling as she tries to keep it together.

 

Clarke’s eyes widen momentarily and her mouth parts in shock before she surges forwards and then Lexa doesn’t see anything at all, just a flurry of blonde hair on her face and strong arms wrapped around her and then she breaths out a shallow breath which somewhere along the way turns into an empty sob as she breaks down in her girlfriend’s arms.

 

They hold each other for a long time, Clarke’s quiet crying drowned out by her own brokenness, until Lexa finally begins to calm down with the help of Clarke’s gentle stroking and soothing words.

 

Lexa finally scrambles free from Clarke’s arms and, embarrassed, makes her way to the bathroom to wash her face with some cold water, the sight of her reflection in the mirror making her wince.

 

She goes back to the room and gets back on the bed, Clarke’s open arms already waiting for her, and then she’s wrapped around in her protective embrace.

 

“Can you tell me what happened?” Clarke gently prompts, fingers playing gently with Lexa’s curls. “Only if you want to. No rush.”

 

Lexa swallows hard and sighs heavily. “I’m stuck, Clarke. I’m just… _stuck_.”

 

It’s the best explanation she’s got, really. Just about sums it all up.

 

“How is this happening? _What_ is happening?”

 

“I… It’s an eight-year loop, give or take a few weeks. It always starts the same.” She pauses, takes a deep breath, her mind flashing memories of that same moment on repeat. “I open my eyes and I’m in college and I see you.”

 

“Wait? We met in college?” Clarke interrupts.

 

Lexa shakes her head, going into practical mode as it makes it easier to recount the story. It’s almost automatic.

 

“No, not originally. But there was one time when we were twenty, in our junior year, where you were talking with Raven on campus and I was walking across from you and our eyes locked. Just that. That’s where I always come back to.”

 

“I don’t even remember that…”

 

“I wouldn’t expect you to,” Lexa says wryly. “I didn’t even remember it myself the first time around. We were both convinced when we met at your place that it was the first time we’d seen each other.”

 

“Met at my place?” Clarke asks, confused, tilting her head to look at her.

 

“Yes,” Lexa nods, then sits up to be able to face Clarke properly. “The first time around, the original version, as I like to think of it, we met at a party at your apartment. Anya was dating Raven and she forced me to tag along because she said I needed to get a social life.”

 

“Sounds like Anya,” Clarke snorts.

 

“Actually, she told me I needed to get some pussy,” Lexa tells her, shaking her head dejectedly and Clarke laughs lightly, though it sounds too broken to be anything but a poor attempt at levity.

 

“Now _that_ is definitely an Anya thing to say.”

 

“Unfortunately,” Lexa frowns in displeasure. “But yes, I went with her and then we met and…fell in love,” she adds with a fond smile.

 

“But?”

 

“There is always a but, isn’t there,” Lexa comments dryly. “But there was an accident and— Well, then I woke up back in time.”

 

It is never easy to talk about or to think about Clarke’s death ( _deaths_ , rather) but it is even worse to have to tell her.

 

“An accident,” Clarke says, concern in her eyes. “And…Did you die?” she weakly asks, lips quivering once again.

 

Fuck.

 

“No,” Lexa tells her, eyes suddenly unable to face hers.

 

How many times has she wished that she was the one to have died instead of Clarke?

 

Way too many to count, that’s for sure.

 

“I did,” Clarke says in sudden understanding and Lexa sucks in a sharp breath at the sudden flash of memories that hit her like a truck. A blanket being pulled back, skin so pale and blonde hair matted with blood. A smile in one second, gone the next. A gasp of shock. A struggle for air. A quiet last breath. A desperate plea for help. Too many times, too many repetitions of the same inevitability.

 

Lexa’s silence speaks a thousand truths.

 

“How?” Clarke asks, truly morbidly curious.

 

Lexa winces and closes her eyes. “Hit and run.”

 

Clarke is silent for a while, her fingers tapping on the back of Lexa’s hand in a way which is almost hypnotizing.

 

Lexa hates this, she hates the absolute loneliness that comes with being the only one to know the type of personal hell she’s stuck in, but she hates, even more, having to talk about it with the woman she loves with all her being.

 

“Is my death always the culmination of the loops?” she suddenly asks, and Lexa finally opens her eyes to see that unique brand of scientific curiosity in her lover’s face. “I’m assuming I always die, right? By your reaction when you saw me at the hospital.”

 

Sometimes Lexa thinks Clarke is too brilliant for her own good.

 

“Yes,” she tells her, trying to muster all the detachment she can to allow her voice to pass through her vocal chords. It’s a poor job at best.

 

“And do I always die the same way?”

 

Lexa swallows hard. “No.”

 

“Does it change for any particular reason?” she asks, head tilted to the side as if she’s trying to solve one particular hard case at the hospital.

 

“In a nutshell? It changes because of me.”

 

Clarke nods in understanding. “You try to change things but I still end up dead? Only I die some other way.”

 

Lexa winces at the matter-of-fact tone in her voice and Clarke immediately looks apologetic, hand squeezing hers in remorse.

 

“Yes, that’s basically it.”

 

“I’m sorry, Lex. I didn’t mean to be so callous. I guess it just hasn’t hit me fully yet.”

 

“It’s okay. You’re always like this,” Lexa manages a small smile.

 

“When you tell me?” she curiously asks and Lexa nods in confirmation. “So you’ve told me before.”

 

“Twice. I… Well, truthfully, the first time I was drunk and it was an accident. I was just hysterically excited about my hundredth birthday,” she says wryly. “The second time I was just feeling… I needed you to know.”

 

“Your… Your _hundredth_ birthday?” Clarke questions weakly, eyes wide in realization as she finally catches up to how long it’s truly been since Lexa’s been stuck in these revolving loops.

 

“Not physically, but it still counts, I guess. I get a weird sort of kick out of celebrating another quarter century for some reason,” she chuckles dryly, her tone too hollow to her own ears. “It’s admittedly dark, even for me, but…” she finishes with a half-hearted shrug in a poor attempt at lightening the mood.

 

“So. Wait. Then that means you’re…”

 

“One hundred and fifty-three years old. Raven tells me I look hot for a centenarian,” she jokes weakly and Clarke gives her this pained little smile which is quickly replaced by horror.

 

Lexa watches in a mild state of panic as Clarke’s eyes start filling with tears and, after a moment of hesitation, she pulls her into a hug, comforting her love while she desperately sobs in her arms.

 

“Jesus, Lex. How is this— How can you just—” Clarke weakly musters in between ragged sobs and Lexa’s heart splinters painfully. “How do you _do_ this? How do you still have the strength to keep trying?”

 

Lexa swallows her tears and kisses Clarke’s head.

 

“For _you_ ,” she tells, pouring her whole heart out with only those two words. It’s two words which summarize her whole existence. Clarke looks up with big, watery eyes and Lexa holds her face gently in her hands. “I would do anything for even just one moment with you, Clarke. All of it, all the waiting, all the pain, it’s all worth it for that first glimpse I get of you, for the few years that we get to spend together, happy, in love. I don’t mind if have to go through waiting for you to fall in love with me over and over while my love for you remains steady and unwavering because I know that, in the end, we’ll get to be _us_.”

 

Clarke looks at her, a look of pure adoration on her face, and Lexa feels like she’s completely bare before her gaze.

 

“I… Well fuck, I think you’ll forever win best girlfriend points if you keep making declarations like that,” Clarke jests with a watery voice, bringing her hand to softly caress Lexa’s cheek. “I stand no chance.”

 

Lexa chuckles softly and kisses her. “I do have years of trial and error to fall back on, my love,” she teases and Clarke rolls her eyes fondly.

 

“No, but, seriously. I don’t really know what to say…” she tells her, brows furrow in thought. “This might be kind of the biggest love declaration ever, I sort of feel like I should be thanking you for loving me over and over again or something,” she says, and Lexa is uncomfortable with the fact that she doesn’t sound like she’s entirely joking.

 

“No,” Lexa tells her firmly. “Loving you was never a choice I had to make. I just do, there’s no way around it. You’re everything to me, Clarke. In fact, I’m thankful for _your_ love every day. For giving me the strength to keep going, for having something to live for.”

 

Clarke’s eyes water again and she looks at Lexa with so much unguarded emotion that it’s almost too much for a moment.

 

“Okay. So we’ve established that we’re both two hopeless saps,” she jokes with a small smile. “What else is there to know?”

 

Lexa laughs softly and kisses her again.

 

“How about we rest for the night, huh? The questions will still be there tomorrow.”

 

Clarke caresses her cheek lovingly and Lexa closes her eyes at the feeling.

 

“You’re drained,” she whispers, and Lexa nods in agreement. “Yeah. Let’s just sleep.” She leans back and pulls Lexa with her, positioning them until she’s got her whole body pressed around Lexa’s and a firm hand around her waist. “Fair warning, I will hold on tight to you for the whole night,” she whispers in her ear. “I’m not letting you go, Lex. I’m right here.”

 

Lexa closes her eyes and takes a shaky breath, lips quivering with emotion and she falls asleep with tears running down her cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think :)  
> I wrote this long ago and now I'm not sure I love it. Eh, anyway, the next one should be better though no less angsty...


	24. #17.8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This gets a bit heavy.
> 
> Trigger warning: Mentions of suicide

Lexa holds her teacup protectively in her hands, both to have something to do with them and because the warmth is deeply comforting.

 

Breakfast was weirdly polite as if they were both strangers walking on eggshells trying to make light chit-chat while avoiding the heavy topics. It was disconcerting, to say the least, but at the same time a welcome reprieve before they immersed themselves in years and years of anguish.

 

But now Lexa is cozied up in the corner of her couch, feet tucked under her, while she waits for Clarke to come over. Because she will come. She could practically hear all the questions running through her girlfriend’s mind while they ate.

 

After waiting for what feels like forever, heart beating rapidly in anticipation, Clarke finally plops herself across from Lexa with her second cup of coffee in less than an hour. It’s a terrible habit, Lexa distantly notes, but this is not the time to bring up that issue.

 

“So,” Clarke drawls out and then stops, contemplating.

 

Lexa chuckles nervously and echoes her. “So.”

 

“I have questions,” Clarke tells her, mouth twisting in uncertainty. “If you feel like talking.”

 

Lexa nods. Truthfully, she doesn’t, but this is not really about her, is it? Lexa has had this conversation before, has answered Clarke’s questions, has been dealing with her pain for decades on end, while Clarke has not. Not this Clarke, at least, and this Clarke need answers, needs to quench her curiosity, needs to put that beautiful brain of hers to work so that she feels like she’s doing something, so she feels like she’s helping. Lexa knows this, knows her, so she swallows her own discomfort for the moment.

 

She sits a bit straighter, body subconsciously preparing to face off her demons, and motions with her hands. “Go ahead.”

 

Clarke straightens up as well as if she only now caught up to what she’s about to start. She takes a heavy gulp of the coffee before setting it on the table, twists her hair up in a bun and folds her hands on her lap.

 

“Oh. Okay. Uh. I don’t really know where to start so I’ll just start asking random questions, okay?” Lexa nods softly and Clarke’s forehead creases in concentration. “Alright. So the first time, I died from a hit and run, you said. And the others?”

 

Well, fuck. Lexa could almost laugh if her face didn’t involuntarily flinch in pain but it’s uncanny how that is always the first question Clarke asks and always with the same bluntness.

 

Okay then, ripping off the band-aid it is. At least the worst part will be over first.

 

“Different ways,” Lexa starts slowly. “Mostly cars, it seems to be a theme for some reason. Unfortunately placed rocks. Infection. There was the bug allergy, which is why I always carry an EpiPen with me. Gunshot, the one time, fucking religious fanatic,” Lexa spits out angrily.

 

Clarke just keeps looking at her intently, almost detached, as if Lexa is talking about someone else.

 

“That it?”

 

Lexa winces. “No. There was loop seven,” she concedes, tone final. She has no particular desire to relieve that nightmare. It took her over fifty years to be able to surpass her trauma and set foot in the ocean again, and she still refuses to watch any shark-related movie. That is the one memory she would give anything to erase.

 

Clarke seems to sense her resolve to not discuss it further and moves along.

 

“Okay. So you always try something new and I end up dead regardless?”

 

Lexa swallows dryly at the hard truth hitting her straight in the face. “Pretty much.”

 

“Planning on giving up anytime?” Clarke asks with a pained twist of her mouth as if her brain is trying to joke but her body is rejecting it.

 

Lexa shakes her head and reaches for Clarke’s hand. “No.”

 

Clarke’s eyes narrow and she shifts a bit in her spot, inching closer to Lexa. She chews on her lower lip with her head tilted and Lexa feels suddenly very exposed.

 

“You sure about that?” Her voice is gentle, no accusation behind it, but Lexa still feels the sting. “I would understand.”

 

“I’m never giving up on you, Clarke.”

 

“What about on yourself?”

 

“What about me?” Lexa asks wearily, more uncomfortable with this turn in the conversation than she’s been so far.

 

“I know you, Lex. Maybe not as well as you know me,” she adds with a small smile. “But I do think I’ve come to know you quite well, and you always have a plan for everything. What’s the plan in case you can’t stop this?”

 

Lexa looks away then, unwilling to face Clarke with this weakness. Because she’s right, Lexa does have a plan, but it’s not something she’s proud of. She hadn’t made up her mind the last time Clarke had asked so she didn’t feel too bad when she lied to her because it wasn’t technically a lie. But she can’t do that now.

 

“It won’t happen for a while still,” Lexa turns to her and tells her quietly, and Clarke sucks in a sharp breath.

 

“When?”

 

“After I turn two hundred.”

 

“Lex…” Clarke looks at her with pained understanding and Lexa just _really_ doesn’t want to keep talking about this. She feels raw, exposed, the weakest side of her bared for Clarke to see. “I understand, I do. Believe me, if the roles were reversed I probably wouldn’t have waited this long but…I still wish you wouldn’t,” Clarke whispers softly, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

 

Lexa shakes her head dejectedly. “Two hundred years is way more than enough for one person to live, Clarke. Besides, I still have forty-seven years left, you don’t have to worry about it,” she adds in a poor attempt at reassuring her but Clarke’s face only contorts further in sorrow.

 

“ _This_ me, you mean,” she counters achingly. “Because if we can’t change anything this time you’ll be doing it to another version of me.”

 

Lexa turns away at that, a sharp pain in her chest at the reminder that whatever action she plans on taking in the future will not only affect her life but also Clarke’s and the rest of the people who love her.

 

“It might not even work,” she says after a while in a placating tone, desperate to get out of this conversation. “Maybe I’ll die, maybe I’ll just start again. How can I even know if it works?”

 

“You don’t know, but you wish,” Clarke whispers, a tear breaking free and rolling down her cheek.

 

Lexa closes her eyes and takes a ragged breath, anguished at the pain she saw in Clarke’s eyes.

 

It’s a decision that took her literal decades to make, but it’s one that she has no intention of changing her mind about, no matter the pain it causes her love. After all, the pain Clarke is feeling now is only in anticipation of the anguish she imagines she’ll feel in a later loop, but Lexa has no intention of making her go through that. If, and when, she decides to try to end her misery, it’ll be _after_ she loses Clarke, never during their relationship. She could never be that cruel.

 

“I’m tired, Clarke,” Lexa explains with a heavy sigh that makes her feel as old as she truly is. “I live in constant expectation of the years I get to spend with you when I finally feel whole. I push myself for you, for these few years that we have together, and I will continue to do so, but everyone has their limits. I can distract myself with new things, visit new places, learn new things, but there comes a time when it’s just enough,” she says with a despondent shake of her head and a weariness that reaches her bones. She feels exhausted; like all the years are catching up to her, almost as if her body finally decided to act its true age. “We’re not meant to live forever, my love, and, maybe, if all else fails, my death will mean that this madness stops and you get to live.”

 

“Live without you,” Clarke wipes angrily at a tear to fix her with an angry glare.

 

“We’ve had more than a lifetime together, Clarke,” Lexa tells her with a worn smile.

 

Clarke shakes her head, brow furrowed and lips twisted. “I’m not sure it counts if I can’t remember it.”

 

“It counts to _me_. I remember.” Lexa’s voice sounds tormented even to her own ears and Clarke squeezes her hand.

 

“I’m sorry. I understand, I do. I just can’t imagine a life where you won’t be there to share it with me.”

 

“Hopefully you won’t have to,” Lexa tells her.

 

Clarke hums and is quiet for a long moment, brows crinkled in thought.

 

“If it happens, though, if you get that far…” Clarke starts and then stops herself as she takes in a deep, broken breath and lets out a little sob. She futilely wipes down her cheeks and then continues in a wet voice, “Don’t meet me, okay?”

 

Lexa balks at this, feels as if a brick has been thrown at her chest and crushed her heart in the process.

 

“You… _What_?”

 

Clarke must not catch her tone because she just shakes her head, crestfallen, and looks at her pleadingly. “I can’t do it, Lex, I don’t think I can have you and then lose you.”

 

Lexa flinches and quickly removes her hand from Clarke’s grip, balling it up in a fist on her lap as she struggles to control her surging anger.

 

“Like I’ve had to do,” she remarks harshly, too hurt to be able to properly assess where Clarke’s coming from. “You would deny yourself this to avoid the pain of losing me? You don’t think our relationship is worth it? Even if all you’re left with are the memories? You think it’s better not to have it to begin with if it’s just gonna end in pain?”

 

Clarke looks taken aback then, glances up at Lexa and her eyes widen when faced with the hurt in Lexa’s face.

 

“No, Lex, I didn’t mean…”

 

Lexa purses her lips and the look on her face is enough to stop Clarke from continuing.

 

“Then what _did_ you mean, exactly? That all of what I’ve done is not actually worth it? All the pain I’ve been through to be with you… I should’ve just left it, huh?” Clarke shakes her head dismally and Lexa cuts her off before she starts to speak again. “It was worth it, Clarke. To _me_. Regardless of what happens, _you_ are worth it. I would hope that I was worth it too, but…apparently not.”

 

Clarke just shakes her head vigorously and tries to reach forward but immediately retreats when Lexa turns away.

 

“Lexa, _no_! That’s not what I meant!”

 

“I understand what you meant, Clarke,” Lexa shakes her head sorrowfully as she stands up and puts some distance between them. “It would hurt you to see me dead and you think if I’m already planning on dying than I might as well not cause you that pain. Correct?” she adds and Clarke looks away in shame. “Yes, well, guess what, Clarke? I have watched you die more times than any person should have to. I’ve had you die in my arms, watched you take your last breath, and _still_ , I put myself through the same thing again. And again, and _again_! I have been through hell and back. Fuck, I’m still living it! And I would do it again. For _you_! Because you are the most important person in my life, because loving you is worth all the pain, because I would give everything just for one more moment…even if it’s the last.”

 

Lexa feels the tears streaming down her face and she wipes at them furiously, outraged that she’s showing even more weakness, revealing just how broken-hearted she is. Her mouth turns down in a wretched sob then, as her repressed thoughts come bubbling up and her deepest and darkest secret comes out amidst a torrent of barely repressed whimpers.

 

“Because I have begged and pleaded and _prayed_ for your death to be the one… For it to be the last time I have to lose you, so that all of this fucking thing will stop, even if it means I lose you!” she confesses, and she’s crying harder, her words hard to come out yet unwavering in their outpour, practically with a will of their own, and Clarke just stares at her, blue eyes dark with pain and so full of tears.

 

"Lex..."

 

“I am willing to lose you, Clarke, so that you stop suffering, even if it means I live the rest of my life without you. But never…never have I wished for us to never have met. _Never_.”

 

Lexa feels completely hollow. Never has she told anyone this, especially not Clarke. She barely even acknowledges it herself, the thought that she would rather Clarke die for good than continue watching her die over and over again too shameful for her to deal with, but it’s there, a constant presence in her subconscious, a permanent prayer to a deity she doesn’t believe in.

 

Lexa bends forward, hands on her knees, as she struggles to control her breathing. Then she straightens up and pointlessly wipes away her tears before she heads for the door without sparing Clarke another glance.

 

“Lexa, please— Where are you going?” Clarke asks in a panic as she jumps from the couch after her.

 

Lexa stops with her hand on the doorknob but doesn’t turn around.

 

“I need a moment,” she grits out through clenched teeth, her voice a watery mess. “I just need to calm down. I’ll be back.”

 

And still, after all of this, she will be back. Perhaps she’s gained more wisdom in her old age, or perhaps she simply cannot stay away from Clarke even when her heart is shattered.

 

It’s a toss-up at the moment.

 

Clarke doesn’t protest when Lexa leaves, she merely hears her sobs when she closes the door. And Lexa’s heart breaks further because of course it does. She hurts for both of them.

 

She practically jogs up to the rooftop, closing the door behind her with a loud thud. She needs several gasps of fresh air before her lungs stop feeling so constricted but then she realizes she’s not winded from the stairs, she can’t breathe because she’s sobbing uncontrollably.

 

She can’t understand…she just can’t. Sure she understands the logic behind what Clarke said, but the emotions? No. She doesn’t understand them and she can’t accept it.

 

Never, not even once, has Lexa wished for them not to have met. And never has she doubted Clarke’s love or the fact that they belonged together. But now… Well, a small part of her can’t help but wonder exactly how strong that love is.

 

Lexa clumps down on a lawn chair, vaguely aware of her legs moving her there, though the path was followed mostly by muscle memory than anything else because she can barely see anything except a giant blur behind the tears. She holds up her knees and hugs her legs, leaning her head on her knees while she just…cries. For a really long time.

 

It’s cleansing, in a way. She hasn’t broken down like this is in over a decade, not since her period of struggling with depression. She feels a bit lighter, tear by tear, as if all the sorrow that’s been weighing down on her is slowly draining away.

 

But she still hurts. Deeper than she thought it would. Maybe it’s because she’s just so _done_ with this torment, or maybe it’s because she hasn’t experienced this before with Clarke, has barely had a fight with her in almost a century, actually. Or maybe it’s because she hates the little voice that whispers in her ear that perhaps her devotion to Clarke isn’t equally reciprocated.

 

She wants to quell that little voice, reach into her brain and twist whatever nook that thought came out of, but now it’s out there and there’s no trying to stuff it back. It has nowhere else to go but to float around her head, mocking, torturing, pitying.

 

She shakes her head viciously, almost physically sweeping the nagging thoughts away, and wipes away her tears, her breathing finally regulated.

 

No, she won’t let herself think like that. Not after everything she’s lived through, not after everything she’s been through with Clarke. Maybe this Clarke is still not too sure about her love for Lexa, they’ve only been dating for six months after all, but she knows, _knows_ in a way that reaches inside her life a knife and just twists, that Clarke wants to spend the rest of her life with Lexa, however long that may be.

 

The sun is high up in the sky when she finally pries herself off the chair and heads back to her apartment, face puffy from crying and she is infinitely glad she doesn’t run into anyone on her way down because she’s sure she’s never looked so scary in her life.

 

She opens the door quietly and is faced with Clarke on the couch, almost as if she didn’t move, head turned up to look at her in shock.

 

“You’re back,” she states in half-wonder, her voice hoarse and broken.

 

Lexa nods and heads for the kitchen, busying her thoughts and her hands with making another cup of tea to soothe her nerves.

 

Clarke just remains rooted to her spot and, when Lexa is finished, she heads back to the living room to face her.

 

“You came back,” Clarke repeats, still in a stupor.

 

Lexa resists the urge to be petty and point out that this is her apartment, and instead says, “I said I would. I just needed air.”

 

Clarke nods and looks at her with those big eyes, her lower lip trapped beneath her teeth in a mess of nerves.

 

“I’m sorry, Lexa,” Clarke starts but Lexa interrupts her with a raised hand.

 

“Before you say anything, know this. No, I don’t plan to keep on living after my two hundredth birthday, but I never said anything about trying to end it right on my birthday or even while we were together. I would never do that to you.”

 

Clarke’s eyes water at the mention of her death but she holds in her tears and nods.

 

“Okay. I’m sorry. I never meant to upset you like that.

 

“Did you mean it?” Lexa feels compelled to ask, her voice betraying her vulnerability even as she tries to sound detached.

 

Clarke looks conflicted for a second before she shakes her head and answers. “No. I would rather have you and then lose you than never have you at all. I just don’t think I could handle it if you planned on…on killing yourself while we were together.”

 

“I don’t.”

 

Clarke nods and looks repentant. “I really am sorry, Lex. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’ve gone through and to know that it’s all because of me and you still make it a point to be with me…” She runs a hand through her hair and offers Lexa a soft, apologetic smile. “It’s a bit overwhelming how much you love me. In a good way, though. I…I just hope that I’ve loved you the same. I hope that the…past versions of myself, or whatever you call it, have shown you as much love as you show me.”

 

Lexa’s chest tightens at that, the flash of a memory she works so hard to repress surging forward as it tends to do at her weakest times. She winces at a jab of pain that is almost physical and has to look away.

 

Clarke notices and reaches with her hand to touch her but then seems to think better of it, still unsure where Lexa stands, and retracts it, letting it hang limply on her lap.

 

“What is it?”

 

“You did love me the same way, Clarke,” she whispers, afraid to voice the statement in the present tense for fear that Clarke’s feelings aren’t exactly the same.

 

“I _do_ love you, Lexa. You have to know that.”

 

Lexa just nods weakly and wipes a tear from her cheek.

 

It’s too much. This woman standing in front of her is the same woman she’s been in love with for almost one hundred and thirty years, but she’s also not. Not yet, not in the one little detail that haunts Lexa, a perpetual nightmare in what should be a happy memory.

 

With tears uncontrollably falling down her cheeks Lexa just looks at Clarke helplessly, not really knowing what she needs. Only she _does_ , deep down she does. She needs _her_ , the Clarke who left her heart shattered into a million pieces after her death with one simple object.

 

But that’s not remotely fair, is it? That Clarke died, over and over again, and this Clarke is not there yet. Maybe she’s changed things so much that she’ll never be. And that thought brings with it a new wave of anguish and Lexa begins to, once again, weep.

 

God, she’s a mess.

 

She tried keeping it together for so long, desperately clinging to the notion that Clarke wasn’t dead, not really, that she had another chance. Fervently holding in her tears with feelings of guilt for crying over something that wasn’t actually lost. Not really, right? Clarke was alive, again. Only she had no memories. Then Lexa would work hard to create and recreate those memories and that version of her girlfriend only for her to lose her again.

 

And repeat.

 

Even during her depressed years, she would avoid thinking about that one detail that, try as she might to deny it, changed everything. She would feel guilty and she would repress it, redirecting her tears to some other pain instead. She has a big repertoire of things to cry about, after all.

 

And now…Fuck, now it just comes blurting out of her mouth with no control.

 

“You had a ring,” Lexa whispers between broken sobs, eyes pleading with Clarke to understand. This Clarke, younger and still in the beginning of their relationship. This Clarke, who said that she might prefer to never meet Lexa at all than to lose her, even if she says she didn’t mean it like that.

 

“What?”

 

“You had a ring,” Lexa repeats and Clarke just gives her the same confused and pained look. “An engagement ring. You were going to propose to me and then you died and they gave me a box of your things at the morgue and there it was. My engagement ring. Only it wasn’t really mine, was it, because you never actually got a chance to ask. Which is why I still think of you as my girlfriend even though…” Even though she wants nothing more than to think of Clarke as her fiancée, as her wife. But she can’t, because that Clarke, the one that is ready to take that step, that Clarke always dies before she gets a chance to ask, and Lexa avoids with all her might thinking about that little diamond ring that has haunted her since.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. So that happened. Lexa kind of lost it a bit there, we couldn't expect her to always be reasonable and under control.   
> On the bright side, it can only get better from here on! I think.


	25. #17.9

 

Clarke sits there in stunned silence while Lexa struggles to not be overwhelmed by the flood of memories that twist her insides in a mix of sorrow and longing.

 

As the silence stretches on, the tension in the air becomes so heavy it’s almost its own being. Lexa imagines Clarke’s brain as a T.V. channel without signal with the rainbow image and the constant beeping sound. It’s a comical thought obviously brought on by her own surreal stated of mind.

 

She’s probably lost her wits somewhere along these past twenty-four hours.

 

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Lexa says when she’s gotten herself under control, her tears finally subsided, her voice cutting through the silence though not the tension. “That wasn’t fair to you.”

 

“It’s okay,” Clarke says, a contemplative look in her features.

 

Lexa shakes her head. “It’s not, actually. That’s something that another, older version of you wanted. It’s not… I shouldn’t have put that on you.” She pauses and swallows hard, unable to meet Clarke’s eyes. “I don’t expect you to want that. I don’t want to make you feel like you owe me something or…or feel bad if you don’t want it.”

 

It hurts more to think that this Clarke might never want her like that, but that is the risk she always takes when she tries to change something. There’s always a consequence.

 

Clarke shakes her head at Lexa’s words and takes her hand, interlocking their fingers. She can feel a small spring of hope growing inside her at the touch. Maybe she didn’t just totally fuck this all up.

 

“I know. It’s okay, Lex. Really.” Her voice is calm and reassuring, but Lexa is still struggling with her loss of control and the implications it has.

 

“I didn’t plan on telling you that,” Lexa lowers her head and bites her lip. “It just slipped out.”

 

“I can understand that. These past twenty-four hours have been an emotional rollercoaster.”

 

Lexa chuckles wryly and Clarke smiles reassuringly.

 

“Tell me about it.”

 

“For the record,” Clarke starts, her voice gentle and soothing and her head dipping to search for Lexa’s eyes, “I can definitely see why I would have bought a ring.”

 

Lexa’s mouth opens and closes repeatedly while Clarke looks at her with amusement. “You…you do?”

 

Clarke nods and smiles softly. “Yes. Remember what you told me back when we first met, about knowing who the right person is for you?” she asks and Lexa nods numbly. “Well, there really is no other person I can imagine being old and wrinkly with.”

 

Lexa is sure she looks stupidly foolish but she can’t help the small, wondrous smile that slowly grows on her lips.

 

“Really?”

 

Clarke smiles brightly and nods. “Yes. I love you, Lex. And I do think you’re the right one for me. I’m definitely not at the getting married point, yet,” she adds with a smirk and Lexa chuckles nervously. “We haven’t been together for long and I’m still young and I need to finish school and get comfortable in my job… But, yes, if there was one person I could see myself getting married to, it’s you. You just have to be a bit patient,” she finishes with a shy smile and Lexa grins widely, abandoning all reticence and leaning forward to kiss her passionately.

 

“I think the past century and a half has proved just how patient I am,” Lexa jokes and Clarke chuckles.

 

“I still can’t believe I’m dating someone older than my great-grandma,” Clarke teases her and Lexa gasps in offense.

 

“You did not just—!”

 

Clarke just laughs heartily at the horrified look on Lexa’s face and Lexa shakes off that disturbing thought, a smile slowly creeping up on her lips at the mirth in her girlfriend’s eyes.

 

“I’m sorry, babe, but you have to know that I’ll just keep on making jokes about your age, now.”

 

Lexa glowers at her but it’s hard to keep a straight face and eventually she cracks. She shakes her head in dismay. “I shouldn’t have told you anything.”

 

Clarke just laughs again and then smirks smugly. “You didn’t, I figured it out!”

 

“Well, that’s more a reflection of my slip-ups than it is your perceptiveness,” she grumbles with a mock pout. “I should’ve let you think I’m a psychic.”

 

“Just admit it, babe, you’re getting sloppy in your old age.”

 

Lexa gasps again and Clarke’s eyes shine with humor. “I have a fantastic memory, thank you very much! I’d like to see you try to keep up with all the different versions I’ve lived through.” She crosses her arms petulantly and Clarke just laughs harder.

 

“Fine, fine, oh great one. You’re magnificent!”

 

“Thank you,” Lexa says, pointedly ignoring the mocking.

 

Clarke’s laugh echoes through her and it fills Lexa’s heart with so much love she’s not sure she can contain it all. They can get through this, they can overcome these obstacles and be happy, be able to make jokes about it. It’s a great feeling. And Clarke looks so beautiful with her eyes shining with mirth.

 

Clarke’s laughter subsides and she pauses, her demeanor taking on a slightly more serious note. “How do you do it, though? It must get very confusing.”

 

Lexa nods and lets out an exaggerated sigh. “You have no idea. But I keep journals with everything I can remember, to help. Whenever a new loop starts I just write everything down.”

 

“Wow. Impressive. Can I see?”

 

Lexa hesitates. “I don’t think you should…”

 

“Do you have some deep, dark secrets written down?” Clarke asks, a single brow raised in teasing.

 

Lexa smiles and shakes her head. “No, not really. But there are things I don’t think you should know. Sometimes, one small thing causes a lot of changes, and you knowing can have unpredictable results. I mean, me telling you all of this will certainly change a lot of things, but at least it’s more controlled.”

 

Clarke hums in understanding but then gets this mischievous glint in her eyes. “I think you just have this long list of girlfriends you don’t want me to know about,” she teases her lightly and Lexa laughs.

 

“Not quite,” she says with a shake of her head.

 

Clarke's eyes flash and she runs a dismissive hand through her hair. “Oh? So there are some?”

 

Lexa looks at Clarke trying to read her face and she’s amused to see a hint of jealousy that’s she’s trying to hide with her playful tone.

 

She decides to go for honesty, she’s not ashamed of her actions, after all.

 

“Yes. I have lived quite a long life, Clarke, I haven’t exactly been celibate. Though there are far fewer women than you might think.”

 

Clarke’s face turns serious and she swallows hard. “Oh. Yeah, I can understand that,” she says then she bites her lip in contemplation and asks after a pause, “And Costia?”

 

Lexa tilts her head and smiles gently. “What about Costia?”

 

Clarke hesitates, her hands twisting and turning on her lap betraying her discomfort. “Is she…one of those women?”

 

“In a way.”

 

Clarke eyes her with confusion. “What do you mean?”

 

“The others were meaningless distractions,” Lexa explains with a shrug.

 

“And Costia is not?”

 

Lexa shakes her head. “No. She’s my best friend.”

 

“So she was your girlfriend?” Clarke asks cautiously. “Every time?”

 

Lexa nods. “All but one.”

 

Clarke’s brow furrows. “And why is that?”

 

Lexa’s lips purse at the sharp pain the memory of that second loop brought. The first and worst time her changes brought with them disastrous consequences.

 

“It was the first time there was a reset. I was shocked and elated that I’d get a second chance with you and I didn’t want…” She trails off and waves her hand aimlessly searching for the right thing to say. “It felt wrong to even consider being with someone else, it felt like cheating. So I didn’t. I turned down Costia’s flirtations and we became just friends while she dated someone else and then… It didn’t end well. Everything has a consequence,” she finishes grimly.

 

Clarke frowns slightly and tilts her head. “So you started dating her after that?”

 

“More like continued with the original timeline, but yes. She is my best friend.”

 

“I don’t…” Clarke shakes her head minutely and her frown deepens. “People don’t usually have a relationship with their best friend, Lexa, especially not over and over again,” she says sounding both confused and disapproving.

 

Lexa resists the urge to point out that people are also not usually stuck in her situation, but such is life. Instead, she puts on a visible effort the lower her hackles and looks at Clarke quizzically. Clarke shifts uncomfortably in her seat.

 

“Tell me, Clarke. If you were in my position, would you have chosen to remain single every single time while you waited for me?” She doesn’t ask it out of malice, only nodding Clarke toward the answer she knows to be true.

 

“I…” Clarke looks down at her hands and frowns in thought, clearly displeased with the idea, then concedes, “I don’t know. But I don’t think I’d have a three-year relationship with someone.”

 

“Maybe you wouldn’t. What about if not doing it resulted in her death?” Lexa asks softly, willing her to see her side.

 

Clarke’s eyes widen in shock at that and she tenses up. “What?”

 

“What about if those three years of companionship were part of the reason you kept your sanity?” Lexa continues rhetorically. She shakes her head and smiles wryly. “It’s been a lonely life, Clarke. Surrounded by people, yes, but I’m the only one who knows what’s happening, the only one who remembers. I won’t apologize for seeking comfort in my best friend’s arms when I have to wait for you, for needing her love to help me feel a little bit less alone.”

 

Clarke looks pained, her eyes glistening with unshed tears. “I’m so sorry you have to go through that, Lexa.”

 

Lexa takes a deep, slightly ragged breath because it always hurts to remember just how alone she feels. She runs a hand through her hair and gives Clarke small nod. “Me too. And yes, I know it’s selfish, Costia deserves someone that loves her completely, but I do love her and I believe she’ll find that person.”

 

Clarke’s brow is still furrowed but she sighs in acquiescence. After a long pause she says, “I…I get it, I guess, I just don’t get why it has to last that long or be that serious.”

 

Lexa smiles gently. “That’s okay, you don’t have to get it or even to agree with it, but just think about it this way. On average, you and I are together for only two out of the eight years I’m forced to relieve. That means I have to wait for six years. Sixteen times six years, so far. That’s…” she does the mental math quickly and notices Clarke’s eyes widen as she reaches the same results. “Ninety-six years. Do you really think I should spend that time without her?” she prompts softly, without a bite, only wishing for Clarke to see things from her perspective. “That’s almost a century that I could’ve spent alone, going insane, but instead I choose to cut that time in half and have some company.”

 

Clarke winces at the thought and swallows hard. “Shit.”

 

Lexa laughs wryly and nods, running her hand through her hair. “Indeed. It is a shit situation and it’s by no means ideal. But that’s the one thing I’ve learned with all of this: there is no such thing as the perfect scenario. Life is messy and unfair and sometimes it’s okay to have things for yourself.”

 

“I know that. I know you’re doing the best you can. And of course, you’re allowed to have good things in your life that don’t involve me. It’s just…”

 

Clarke trails off, waving her hand aimlessly and then letting it fall limply on her lap. She bites her lip unsurely and Lexa can fell her starting to understand her point.

 

Lexa touches the back of Clarke’s hand with her fingers, running them in circles in a way that she knows will calm her. The effect is almost immediate and she sees Clarke take a breath, her lip now released from its punishment. Lexa offers her a sweet, pacifying smile and gets an uncertain one in return.

 

“I’m not hurting Costia by being with her, because I love her. And I’m not hurting our relationship,” Lexa says, pointing back and forth between the two of them, “Because, technically, we haven’t even met during those years. And my love for you is not affected in the slightest by my love for her. She’s my friend, Clarke, she’s been there for me when I needed her all these years, she’s been there when…”

 

“When I’m not,” Clarke finishes for her and Lexa nods. They pause for a while and Clarke just looks at her. Apparently what she sees in Lexa’s face must convince her because her smile is more assured this time. “Yeah, okay. I think I get it now. I mean, I’m still a little bit jealous,” she adds with a self-deprecating chuckle, “But I understand.”

 

Lexa smiles gently. “Thank you.”

 

Clarke rests her elbow on the back of the couch and leans her head on her hand, a playful glint in her eyes. “Guess I should send Costia a gift basket or a flower bouquet as thanks or something, huh?”

 

Lexa chuckles, relieved, and rolls her eyes fondly. “She’d be clueless as to what it’s for, but it would be amusing.”

 

“Yeah. ‘Thank you, Costia, for loving my girlfriend for almost a century.’ I can see how that might a bit confusing,” Clarke adds wryly. “Did you ever tell her what’s happening?”

 

Lexa nods and leans her head on her arm resting at the back of the couch, mimicking Clarke’s position.

 

“Once. I told all of you. I was _really_ drunk,” she laughs, her cheeks blushing with embarrassment. 

 

“How did she take it?”

 

“Devastated, like all of you. Made me promise I’d talk to her whenever I needed.”

 

“Did you?”

 

“In a way, yes. I never told her again, I didn’t want to…Sometimes it’s worse when others know. But I do talk to her when I just need to get it out. Takes a lot of metaphors and sometimes blatant lying but…it helps.”

 

Clarke holds her hand and rubs her thumb over her knuckles.

 

“I’m glad. It’s good that you have her. I can’t say I completely understand your relationship, probably never will, but I’m happy that she can be there for you.”

 

“Me too,” Lexa says softly. “It might not be all that different from what you have with Raven, though,” Lexa teases her and Clarke’s eyes widen in shock.

 

“What? How do you know— Never mind,” she adds when Lexa gives her a look.

 

“I must say, all of you are particularly easy to get information out of when you’ve got a few drinks in,” Lexa says with a smirk.

 

“I can’t believe you’re just collecting info on us!” Clarke gasps.

 

“Hey, I have to have fun somehow!” Lexa defends herself, laughing at the outrage in Clarke’s face.

 

“By getting us drunk and ready to spill our secrets?” she asks with a raised brow, arms crossed over her chest.

 

“In my defense,” Lexa starts with her hands up in surrender, “I don’t particularly go probing for the sordid details. I just don’t stop you guys from sharing. And I might do some gentle encouraging,” she adds mirthfully and Clarke swats her arm, thoroughly unimpressed.

 

“You’re a sneaky little shit! That is so unfair!”

 

“Absolutely,” Lexa grins without even trying to deny it. “But I have a _lot_ of fun learning about all your stories.”

 

“I cannot believe I told you about Raven,” Clarke grumbles.

 

“Oh no, Raven did. I think you would rather take that secret to the grave.”

 

“You would be right! There is no way I would come out alive if Anya finds out about our…arrangement when we’re both single,” she says with a horrified look on her face and then audibly gasps, eyes bulging out in fear. “Oh god, does Anya know?”

 

Lexa laughs heartily at her girlfriend’s distress and shakes her head, causing Clarke immediate relief.

 

“Not yet, at least. I think Raven is too fond of you to see you die by my sister’s hand.”

 

Clarke buries her face in her hands in mortification and groans loudly.

 

“How are you not upset about this?” she asks Lexa without lifting up her head, her voice coming out muffled.

 

“Babe, I’ve had over a century of seeing you with Finn,” she adds and can’t help the surge of anger that comes over her whenever she thinks about how he treated Clarke. Clarke frowns, seemingly on the same wavelength. “Learning that you and Raven have a friends with benefits agreement was the least of my concerns.”

 

Clarke raises a dubious eyebrow. “Seriously? Not even a little bit jealous?”

 

Lexa chuckles and shakes her head in amusement. “Raven is hot, I was impressed you got some of that,” she says lightly, trying hard not to burst out laughing at the shock in Clarke’s face. “I’m not a jealous person, Clarke. I have no reason to be, I know you love me. Besides, it would be very hypocritical of me to be jealous of you sleeping with other people when I’m doing the same,” she points out and Clarke makes a face at that, nose wrinkling comically.

 

“Nope, not thinking about you sleeping with other people, Lex. In my head all you did was kiss. Maybe second base, tops,” she says with a vigorous shake of her head and Lexa laughs heartily.

 

Clarke is so unnecessarily jealous. If only she could truly realize just how much Lexa loves her she wouldn’t be bothered in the least by any of the other women.

 

But it’s still quite amusing to watch.

 

“Of course, Clarke. Whatever makes you feel better. But just so you know, you’re the best lover I’ve ever had,” she adds with a smirk and is pleased to see Clarke’s smug expression at her compliment.

 

“Of course I am, I’m awesome.”

 

“That you are, my love,” Lexa smiles genuinely and Clarke grins in return, leaning forward to press a loving kiss to her lips which quickly turns into Clarke laying on top of her, one hand firmly griping Lexa's waist and the other slipping under her top and inching closer and closer to her breast.

 

Lexa sighs when she feels a thumb graze over her nipple and her own hold on Clarke’s waist tightens, instinctively bringing her closer to her body. Clarke deepens the kiss and Lexa eagerly follows, nibbling gently on her lower lip just the way she knows it drives Clarke crazy.

 

Clarke moves over to her neck and starts kissing and sucking and nibbling her way down to her collarbone while her hand moves from Lexa’s breast down to her belly, inching closer to her center while the grind of their bodies makes Lexa burn with need.

 

After a particularly impatient complaint from Lexa, Clarke just chuckles and kisses her soundly while she finally lowers her hand and touches her. Lexa moans her approval and slips her own hand into Clarke’s underwear, moaning again when she feels her arousal.

 

Their pace speeds up quickly, an undeniable need to feel close to each other driving their motions to near desperation. It’s raw and instinctual and needy, and it’s clearly more than just physiological need.

 

It’s a pursuit of comfort, a quest to reaffirm that connection that they’ve had since day one, a need to reassure the other. Clarke in particular, Lexa distantly notes with certain amusement, seems particularly intent on proving a point. As if all the biting and the sucking, which will surely leave a mark, as well as the roughness with which she’s taking her, are meant to somehow prove that Lexa is hers and only hers.

 

It’s a ridiculous thought because Lexa is inherently Clarke’s and she has been since that first time, but if this is what Clarke needs then Lexa will willingly give herself to her.

 

(And it’s also very hot. So there’s that.)

 

Clarke enters her almost unapologetically, demanding in her quest to please, and Lexa moans in appreciation, only vaguely aware of her own fingers’ movements on Clarke. Soon they’re both panting and grinding frantically and Lexa can feel that Clarke is close but is holding back, waiting for her. Lexa lifts her hips and finally gets the extra pressure she needs when Clarke’s knuckles touch her clit and then she’s coming and bringing Clarke crashing down with her.

 

They lay there heavily panting, Clarke’s body a pleasant weight on top of her, and Lexa closes her eyes in relaxed bliss. Her fingers run mindless patterns on Clarke’s back, distantly amused by the fact that they’re both still fully clothed in their rush to feel each other closer.

 

Clarke raises her head up and smiles languidly then lifts up her hand to softly caress Lexa’s cheek and run her fingers through her hair. Lexa smiles brightly in return and tilts her head to press a kiss to Clarke’s palm.

 

“I love you,” Lexa whispers and Clarke’s eyes brighten up at that, as though she was just waiting for confirmation.

 

“I love you, too, Lexa.”

 

Clarke shifts a bit on top of her and then her stomach grumbles loudly and they both burst out laughing.

 

“Come on,” Lexa says with a soft smile and she pats Clarke to get her to move off her. “Let’s wash up and get some food in your stomach.”

 

“Hey, you can’t blame my stomach for ruining the mood,” she jokes, “The last time we ate was breakfast and I’m pretty sure it’s almost dinner time.”

 

Lexa chuckles and kisses her, then untangles herself from Clarke’s reluctant body.

 

“The mood was most definitely not ruined. Now get your sexy ass in the shower with me and then we’ll order in your favorite, deal?”

 

“Do I get to have some fun in the shower?” Clarke asks, wiggling her eyebrows seductively.

 

Lexa just rolls her eyes fondly. “If you can make it there in three seconds.”

 

Clarke sprints up towards the bathroom and yells, “Deal! Now hurry up!”

 

Lexa laughs heartily and quickly follows after her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so the heavier stuff is finally out of the way. Lots of fluff coming up ahead :)  
> Please let me know if there's something you really hate (or even mildly hate) or if there's anything I should definitely avoid doing. I really don't want to fall into the trap of making great characters into useless fools just because they're in love and I hope I'm not doing that to Lexa. I hope I've been able to affirm that yes, she's madly in love with Clarke, but she's also a strong woman who lives her life in her own terms and stands by her choices.   
> Anyway, hope you like it :)   
> (but please let me know if it's shit! ;) )


	26. #17.10

“Interesting hobbies you picked up over the years?” Clarke asks. She’s lying on the couch with her head on Lexa’s lap while Lexa plays with her hair.

 

Lexa feels slightly shy but answers the question anyway.

 

“Astronomy.” Clarke smiles widely and looks at her expectantly. “I just love the stars,” Lexa says with an eye roll.

 

“You’re too cute. Something else? There must be.”

 

Lexa shrugs. “Languages, I guess, though I’m not sure if that counts as a hobby,” she adds. “I just like to learn useful things and I have had a lot of time to do so.”

 

Clarke gives her a mock annoyed face. “So _that’s_ why you’re so infuriatingly good at everything! And here I thought you were just super smart but you’ve clearly been cheating all along!” she exclaims with an exaggerated huff.

 

Lexa chuckles warmly and eyes her girlfriend fondly. “I _am_ super smart,” she retorts with a cocky smirk. “I know how to use my time wisely.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes but smiles proudly. “Most interesting place you’ve been to?” she asks.

 

They’ve been doing a lot of this recently. Just being with each other, enjoying each other’s company, with Clarke probing Lexa about her very long life. Lives. Whatever.

 

Clarke hasn’t actually gone back to her apartment in almost a week, ever since their anniversary turned into all _that_. They actually had Raven banging on her door and threatening to break it down (which Lexa was 99% positive she would) to make sure that Clarke was safe because neither had answered their phone in twenty-four hours.

 

For the past week, they’ve just been going to work and school and coming back here, and Clarke seems particularly distressed whenever she has to be apart from Lexa. It’s the adjustment phase, Lexa tells herself, she just needs to feel that Lexa’s alright.

 

Which she is. Surprisingly so. Or perhaps not that surprising given that she’s had a hundred and twenty-five years to come to terms with her current predicament.

 

In fact, she’s probably doing better than average. She’s got Clarke with her, loving her, and she’s able to be herself, completely unrestrained, without having to worry about revealing too much (which she is clearly not that good at anymore), or thinking whether she’s supposed to know this or that already, or pretending that she’s not absolutely, madly in love with her girlfriend.

 

If it weren’t for the annoying little detail that this might all come to an end in a little over two years, she might just say she’s never been better.

 

But, as it is, they don’t know how this loop will pan out, so Clarke is still reluctant to leave her and she spends most of their time together asking her all sorts of questions, getting lost in all the little details about Lexa’s life so far, both with and without the previous versions of Clarke.

 

Lexa hums in thought and apparently takes too long to reply because Clarke pokes her hard on her ribs.

 

“Ouch. It’s hard to choose just one, Clarke. I’ve seen a lot of wonderful things.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes and Lexa smiles, amused.

 

“Just pick one, little miss perfectionist.”

 

Lexa narrows her eyes and pretends to be affronted at the nickname but lets it go quickly.

 

“Well, I wouldn’t say it’s the most interesting place, but there’s this glass bridge across a mountain in China where the floor cracks when you walk on it. Not for real, just a visual effect, but still. That was…quite an experience,” Lexa says with a small shudder at the memory.

 

She’s not actually afraid of heights, but she didn’t know that small detail about the bridge and Anya convinced her to go with her on it and then managed to get some very incriminating footage of Lexa squealing and clutching the rail in fright.

 

It was not fun. Not in the slightest, and she got Anya back for it, the little shit.

 

(Too bad the Cloud doesn’t work between loops. Someone should look into that. It’s a hot market for it at the moment.)

 

“A glass bridge?” Clarke asks with a confused frown.

 

Lexa hums and smiles. “You’ll see. It won’t be finished for a while yet, but we can go when it is. Though I’ll watch you from a safe distance while you go,” she adds for good measure. “The view is incredible.”

 

“So the big bad commander was scared, huh?”

 

Clarke laughs in delight at her fear and Lexa tickles her as payback until she’s begging for mercy, panting for air with a grin still on her lips.

 

“Not scared,” Lexa pouts. “It’s just an experience that’s not worth repeating,” she says with superiority. Clarke is not fooled in the slightest.

 

“Sure, babe, sure. But I don’t think I should go on it, just in case the cracks become real,” she adds lightly and Lexa’s eyes widen at the thought, and another, more visceral, shudder runs through her.

 

“No, you’re right, better not. We can’t take any risks.”

 

Clarke’s grin dwindles to a small smile and she raises a hand to cup Lexa’s cheek.

 

“We’ll figure it out,” she says softly. “But it doesn’t mean I’ll just stay in my little glass house, Lex. I wanna live, experience the world, for as long as I can. I just don’t need to take unnecessary risks. Like scary glass bridges or skydiving.”

 

Lexa nods and gives her a small smile before she kisses her hand.

 

“We’ll go anywhere you want, baby.”

 

“We’ll come up with a list.”

 

“Yes. And I also know about your fear of heights so you don’t have to come up with reasons to avoid it,” Lexa teases her and Clarke gasps in outrage.

 

“I am _not_ scared!” she says as she scrambles to sit up and face Lexa. “It’s the falling I’m not a fan of. I could totally go to that bridge, I just would rather not fall from the sky,” she says petulantly with her arms crossed.

 

“Whatever you say, Clarke,” she smirks and leans forward to peck her lightly.

 

Clarke huffs in protest and grumbles about freaky girlfriends who should learn to mind their own business and not spend decades snooping around and Lexa laughs heartily at that, pleased to see Clarke taking all this information so well.

 

“You love me,” she grins and Clarke rolls her eyes but reluctantly smiles.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I suppose.”

 

Lexa raises an eyebrow, amused. “You suppose?”

 

“You are kind of nice to look at and moderately pleasant to be around,” she unenthusiastically concedes and now Lexa’s other eyebrow rises.

 

“Oh, is that so?”

 

Clarke shrugs. “I guess you’re kind of okay in bed,” she says half-heartily and Lexa mocks offense, eyes setting challengingly as a slow smirk starts on her lips.

 

She hums as she gets closer to Clarke, who determinedly avoids her eyes while she tries to bite back a smile, and Lexa’s smirk grows as she lifts up a leg to straddle her, leaning forward until she’s almost touching Clarke’s lips, but not quite.

 

“Kind of okay, huh?” she breathes out, and Clarke takes in a sharp breath, her eyes flickering up and down from Lexa’s eyes to her lips.

 

“Uh huh.”

 

Lexa closes the distance but doesn’t let her lips touch Clarke’s for more than a second before she’s pulling back, smirking smugly at the disappointed huff that leaves Clarke’s lips.

 

She brings her fingers to skim under Clarke’s top, running her nails on her stomach, delighting in the shiver it elicits. Then she brings her fingertips higher until she’s skimming the underside of Clarke’s breast and watches, immensely pleased, as she bites her lips to contain a moan.

 

She leans back in but dodges Clarke’s lips at the last minute and goes for her earlobe, nibbling lightly while her fingers tease Clarke’s nipple, until, finally, Clarke loses the battle and lifts her hands up to hold Lexa’s hips firmly, pressing her closer to her until there’s barely any space between them.

 

With a smug smirk, Lexa watches as Clarke struggles to close the distance between them while she keeps teasing and pulling back at the last minute until Clarke groans in frustration and Lexa chuckles before allowing their lips to meet.

 

Clarke’s grip on her hips tightens and Lexa brings her free hand up to hold her neck, pressing them closer. Her heart fastens as Clarke’s hands rise further up, holding her waist greedily while her thumb skims the underside of Lexa’s breasts. A small whimper leaves Lexa’s lips and it’s Clarke’s turn to smirk into their kiss.

 

Unwilling to let her win (oh who is she kidding, it’s a win-win situation for both of them, but it’s fun to play) Lexa pulls back only to lean back in again with renewed fire, teasing Clarke with her tongue and starting to grind her hips slowly on her lap.

 

Clarke’s hands begin a frenzy of touching her and trying to take her clothes off, settling for massaging her breasts under her top when Lexa refuses to budge and disconnect their lips.

 

With a quick movement, Clarke brings one hand down to touch Lexa’s center and she releases a gasp into her open mouth, eyes closing in pleasure as Clarke’s fingers start circling her clit. She brings her lips back to Clarke’s, hips still grinding down in circular patterns which become increasingly frantic.

 

When Clarke enters her, Lexa almost bites down on her lip, and Clarke’s free hand grips her waist firmly to keep her in place. She slowly adjusts her movements to Lexa’s, who’s quickly become unable to keep on kissing her, too lost in pleasure. She comes with a quiet moan, biting her own lip and then kissing Clarke passionately.

 

Lexa comes down slowly, hips still gyrating as she enjoys the last of her orgasm, a blissful smile on her lips. Clarke looks at her dazzlingly, that awe-struck look on her face which Lexa so loves. It brings another type of warm feeling to her chest and she leans in for a soft kiss, delighting in Clarke’s soft lips.

 

She hums contently and then smirks teasingly. Clarke watches her with expectation, eager for her turn, but Lexa is feeling particularly mischievous.

 

She gets off her lap, infinitely amused at the shocked look on Clarke’s face when she starts to casually fix her clothes and walking away as if nothing is amiss.

 

Clarke gasps. “Oh, you little devil!”

 

Lexa just stops at the entrance to their room and looks back over her shoulder coyly.

 

“Oh? I thought you’d be pleased to know you were right. I’m not that good of a lover after all, am I?” she asks with faux sweetness, blinking innocently and giving Clarke her wide eyes and pouty lips which she knows she can’t resist.

 

Clarke’s eyes narrow and she gets up in a flash. “You little shit,” she says with a grin while she chases after her and Lexa runs to their bed with a yelp, laughing heartily when Clarke catches her and falls on top of her on the mattress.

 

“You love me,” Lexa says with a coy smile and Clarke grins brightly.

 

“More than anything.”

 

* * *

 

Clarke opens the door to her apartment and Lexa follows suit, only to release a little squeak in horror at the sight that greets them.

 

There, sprawled out on the couch, is her sister. Her very _naked_ sister, being thoroughly dominated by an equally naked, strap-on wearing, whip-holding, Raven.

 

Lexa’s brain freezes.

 

Raven and Anya freeze, both wide-eyed and open-mouthed.

 

Clarke bursts out laughing.

 

There really is a first time for everything, even after more than a hundred and fifty years on earth.

 

Lexa _really_ wishes there wasn’t a first time to see _this_.

 

“Oh my god,” Clarke says in between hysterical bouts of laughter.

 

Lexa quickly closes her mouth, which she only just now realizes had parted in shock, and turns around, already traumatized by the image which feels like it’s been permanently imprinted on her brain, but still determined not to have any more evidence of the fact.

 

“And then she accuses _me_ of being the biggest bottom,” Lexa comments dryly, eyes raised to the roof in silent prayer for a memory potion as she shakes her head dismally in silent horror.

 

Clarke laughs even harder then and Lexa’s own lips form into a reluctant grin, the hilarity of the situation quickly surpassing the embarrassment of having seen her sister in _that_ position.

 

Lexa peeks over her shoulder only to find a completely red-faced Anya scrambling for the bathroom and a smug-looking Raven casually unstrapping the dildo and picking up their clothes.

 

“Hey look, turns out you do live here after all,” Raven casually remarks, smug smile still plastered on her face.

 

Clarke just shakes her head in amusement and quirks up an eyebrow.

 

“I can see you thought otherwise,” she teases her.

 

Raven laughs and winks, leisurely taking the dildo and the clothes with her on her way to the bathroom where she has to convince Anya to open the door.

 

Lexa gives the couch a side glance and winces, gingerly making her way to the loveseat and praying with everything she has that it hasn’t been abused for unholy purposes.

 

Clarke laughs at her face and her visible discomfort and she plasters herself comfortably next to Lexa, casually throwing her legs on her lap.

 

“This a first?” she teasingly asks and Lexa groans loudly.

 

“Unfortunately,” she says with a dejected shake of her head. “Not the first time I’ve caught Anya having sex, mind you, she always chooses the most inopportune places and has zero care for my mental well-being,” she adds with a shudder when she thinks back to all the times she’s walked in on her sister. “But she’s usually topping whoever she’s fucking. This…” Lexa shudders again and shakes her head vicariously to try to get rid of the image as well as the sounds Anya was making.

 

Nope. No. Just. _No_.

 

Someone has to start working on memory wipes. ASAP. Lexa will pay them whatever they want.

 

Clarke just laughs heartily again and wiggles her eyebrows obscenely. Lexa groans again and swats her lightly on her legs before she starts softly massaging them.

 

“So I’m gone for two weeks and this is what I should start to expect?” Clarke yells out when it’s been a good few minutes and they still haven’t come out of the bathroom.

 

Lexa raises an eyebrow and eyes her evenly. “You know they’re fucking again, right?”

 

Clarke’s eyes widen momentarily as if she’s forgotten who she’s dealing with, and then bursts out laughing again.

 

“Of course they are,” she says with an amused shake of her head. “We kind of interrupted their big O.”

 

“Please don’t,” Lexa begs with a wince, eager to stop thinking about it.

 

Clarke chuckles, having way too much fun with her misery, and then relaxes further into the couch, content with the massage Lexa is giving her.

 

Some fifteen minutes later the bathroom door finally opens and out comes Raven, cocky smile still on her face, followed by Anya who is acting as if nothing happened as they sit down on the traumatized couch.

 

Lexa is more than willing to accommodate that.

 

Clarke is clearly not.

 

“Nicely done, Rae,” she teases with a salacious wink, leaning forward for a high-five which Raven, obviously, smugly returns.

 

Lexa groans loudly, the only sound that wants to come out of her mouth today, apparently. Anya just narrows her eyes but then pretends Clarke didn’t say anything.

 

“Good to see you back, Griff. I was starting to think you had moved out without even bothering to tell me,” she jokes, though Lexa can hear the slight tinge of hurt in her words. Apparently so can Clarke.

 

Clarke smiles fondly and shakes her head. “Not getting rid of me so soon, Rae, I can’t deprive you of my sexy ass just like that.”

 

Raven laughs and Anya glowers. “Watch it,” she warns, only making the two roommates laugh even more.

 

“Don’t worry, Anya, your ass is just as sexy,” Clarke retorts with a wink, earning another high-five from Raven.

 

Anya’s cheeks darken and she huffs in annoyance, though her eye roll is secretly fond.

 

Lexa groans. Again.

 

“That’s my sister you’re talking about. No more talk of sex or of sexy body parts while I’m here, I’ve been traumatized enough,” she begs with her eyes closed. What did she ever do to deserve this torture?

 

Clarke and Raven just laugh while Anya grunts in agreement.

 

“Well, I’m starving,” Raven announces, clearly on the verge of making another lewd remark and so is Clarke, which is why both Lexa and Anya quickly swat their respective partners before they can say anything else. Great minds think alike, it would seem.

 

“Let me guess,” Clarke starts and Lexa sends her a warning look only to receive an innocent one in return. “You don’t have any food at home?”

 

“Aw, you know me so well, Clarkie,” Raven coos, her injured leg laying over Anya’s lap, who’s taken to massaging it, mirroring Lexa’s movements.

 

Clarke just rolls her eyes fondly and shakes her head. “What would you do without me, Rae?”

 

“Hey! I’ve survived two weeks without you, thank you very much!” she says indignantly.

 

Anya clears her throat pointedly and raises an expectant eyebrow.

 

Raven huffs and crosses her arms over her chest, pouting.

 

“Fine. Anya made sure I ate properly,” she mumbles under her breath and Lexa smiles fondly at the loving look on her sister’s face.

 

Anya smiles, pleased at the acknowledgment and Raven’s pout quickly turns into a happy grin.

 

“So, pizza?” she eagerly asks and they all chuckle at her excitement.

 

“For the best roommate in the world,” Clarke solemnly announces. “Pizza!”

 

Lexa’s chest feels so warm with love, even with the awkwardness of the last couple of minutes. She’s got her girlfriend, fully aware of what Lexa’s going through, she has Anya looking happier than ever, and she has her friend, looking absolutely content.

 

If nothing else, these are the moments she lives for, the moments she cherishes in her heart at the best of times and holds on to at the worst. Minus awkward sexual encounters, which she can certainly do without. But these are the people that keep her going.

 

“So what brings you two lovebirds out of your cocoon?” Anya asks while Clarke is on the phone with the delivery service.

 

Lexa rolls her eyes. “Look who’s talking,” she says pointedly and delights in Anya’s visible blush. “We just wanted to hang out with you guys. And it’s not like Clarke is living with me.” She shrugs and Anya just gives her a look.

 

Raven snorts. “Yet.”

 

Lexa’s lips involuntarily contract in a pleased smile.

 

“Ugh, gross, little Woods! Keep that lovey-dovey look out of this living room,” Raven teases her.

 

“Who’s being lovey-dovey?” Clarke asks, relocating back in her sit.

 

“Lexa, obviously!

 

“It’s always Lexa,” Anya adds, and Lexa sends her a glare but refuses to stoop down to her level. She’ll get her revenge soon.

 

“Yeah, you two are disgustingly in love, it hurts my eyes to even look in your general direction!” Raven says, making an exaggerated show of glancing their way and having to shield her eyes with her hands. “It’s like I’m being infected by nuclear love-rays or something.”

 

Clarke rolls her eyes. “Just look in the mirror first, Raven.”

 

“Whatever,” Raven says with a small smirk. “Anyway, you staying the night or what, Griff?”

 

It’s said no nonchalantly that anyone who didn’t know Raven might think she doesn’t actually care, but neither Lexa nor Clarke is fooled. They share a look and Lexa smiles encouragingly, squeezing Clarke’s leg gently in reassurance.

 

It’s the first time in two weeks that they would spend apart and, though she would like nothing more than to be with Clarke all the time, she knows that they can’t ignore their friends. And Clarke needs this, she needs to feel normal and be with her friends, laughing and joking around instead of looking at Lexa and constantly being reminded of her little situation. (Understatement of the century, probably.)

 

She knows Clarke is nervous, reluctant to leave her for fear that something will happen, and they’d spoken about it at length over the past few days. Lexa tried to reassure her that everything will be fine, that they still have time, that she can’t stop living her life because she’s afraid. And that it’s really not healthy to be so codependent. Not only is it not good for their relationship, it’s also not good for Clarke’s mental health.

 

It was a really long talk. But she thinks she might have made her case if the small nod Clarke gives her is anything to go by.

 

Clarke smiles and turns to Raven. “Yeah, you bet your ass I’m staying. And we’re having girls’ weekend, I’ll send a message to O.”

 

Raven’s smile is a sight to behold.

 

“Hells yeah!”

 

“Which means you two better enjoy your pizza before we kick you out for the rest of the day!” Clarke points to Lexa and Anya who pretend to be offended.

 

“Hey! We’re girls too!”

 

“Damn lesbian relationships,” Clarke says with an exaggerated eye roll, making them chuckle.

 

Raven swats her hand dismissively. “Whatever, you don’t count in this case. It’s best friend time, you two go have sisterly bonding time or something,” she tells them.

 

Anya raises an eyebrow and looks over at Lexa who just shrugs.

 

Sisterly bonding time it is.


End file.
